Text/Han Mei Yi
Figure/from the network
First of all, I would like to ask you a question: After getting married, who is the "family" with?
Parents, siblings, or partners?
The reason why I ask this question is because the choice is different, and the "direction" of marriage is different.
Some people feel that naturally parents, brothers and sisters and themselves are a family, after all, before marriage is so, how to get married, but become "outsiders"? It is precisely because of this idea that after marriage, they will subconsciously put the affairs of their parents, brothers and sisters in the first place, even if it is "unfavorable" to their own small family, they will not quit, if at this time, the partner comes forward to stop or protest, they will think that the partner is unreasonable, unreasonable, in the long run, there will be a gap between the husband and wife.
Of course, there are also some people who are "righteous and awe-inspiring", no longer unreserved as when they were unmarried, but treat their partners as a family, no matter what they encounter, their first reaction is to communicate and consult with their partners first, and then help their parents or brothers and sisters as much as they can without harming the "interests" of their own small family, perhaps their practices will cause parents, siblings to be dissatisfied, or even complain, but they can make their married life more and more smooth.
In fact, in the final analysis, it is not necessary to make a choice between family and partner, but if you want to avoid unnecessary contradictions and maintain the harmony of the extended family, everything should maintain a certain measure: you cannot ignore your own small family for the sake of your parents and siblings, and you cannot deliberately alienate your parents and siblings because of your partner.
Zhou Guoping once said: "The sense of proportion is a sign of mature love, which knows how to abide by the necessary distance between people." ”
As an adult, there are boundaries in doing things, you can clearly prioritize, and you can take into account the feelings of everyone around you, rather than acting exactly according to your own ideas, so that you will not hurt the hearts of those who love you.
01 After six days of hospitalization, the "family" who used to love each other had no temperature for him
Liu Yi (pseudonym), 38, stayed in the hospital for a few days because of his health, and it was during these few days that he suddenly understood something.
"It is difficult to see the hearts of the people, and the sufferings to see the truth." People who used to always feel that they were close to each other, always put first, and treated with their hearts and lungs, found out at the moment when I was difficult that they didn't actually have much deep feelings for me, or that I was good to them, and I didn't let them remember them at all. Liu Yi smiled bitterly and shook his head.
Speaking of which, Liu Yi's hospitalization is also an unintentional thing, the unit's annual staff physical examination, he originally wanted to be like before, just take a process, after all, his body has always been healthy, there is no abnormality, who knows, half of the physical examination, he was told to be hospitalized, as soon as possible to do an operation.
It really startled him.
However, despite the nervousness and uneasiness, he still calmly went through the hospitalization procedures, and later, when he arrived at the ward, he sent a photo of him wearing a hospital gown in the family group according to the panic of the heart, and sent a sentence to pay attention to health and raise the body, originally hoping to get a few words of condolences and care, who knows, in addition to his mother calling him to ask about the situation, his sister, brother-in-law, brother-in-law, brother-in-law only echoed the sentence "Hmmm, take care of your body", and there was no other word.
Thinking that everyone may have something to do at hand, it is difficult to separate the energy for a while, although Liu Yi is a little disappointed in his heart, he still secretly advises himself to look away, after all, they are all family, they have helped them so much before, sooner or later they will think of caring about it, even if they can't come to the hospital in person, at least they will call themselves.
Before mentioning it, Liu Yi felt that he really had nothing to say to his parents, eldest sister and younger brother.
Three children in the family, counting his relatively good conditions, usually whether it is his parents, or brothers and sisters encounter difficulties, as long as they are told to him, he will "stand up" without complaint, bits and pieces of small things aside, these years, from time to time to "filial piety" parents, and spend money to find a relationship to help his sister's daughter go to a good school, the sister was beaten by the brother-in-law, he went to the door to seek justice for his sister, and then successively "borrowed" money to his brother to help him buy a house, do business, and repay loans, he can pay money, and he will definitely contribute.
It is true that it is precisely because of Liu Yi's "warm heart", his relationship with his parents and brothers and sisters is very good, every time he returns to his hometown, he hears his parents and brothers sigh happily that "we are a family that loves each other", and the praise of the neighbors for "good people and good hearts", Liu Yi feels that everything he has done is worth it.
However, there is also a little bit of a deficiency.
Although he has "contributed" a lot to the original family, but for his own small family, Liu Yi is somewhat derelict in his duties, he usually not only rarely pays attention to the situation of his wife and daughter, but also never consults with his wife when things happen, always thinks that he takes good care of his parents, and his wife should take good care of the small family, after all, a woman who marries into the door is to make and manage family affairs, but not to manage men.
His wife felt that there was no sense of presence at home, was always treated as an outsider, paid a lot but had been ignored, and after many fights with him, she finally divorced after two years and left him with her daughter.
For his wife's actions, Liu Yi did not have the slightest retention, he felt that he always stopped him from getting close to his family, complained that he had done too many women to his family, was too domineering, selfish, not a virtuous wife, and left. Besides, parents, brothers and sisters are already a family, if they are not willing to give, then is there still affection to speak of? Families always have to help each other, how can they count so much?
Yes, the family is to unite as one, then, knowing that after Liu Yi lived in the hospital, his parents and siblings showed their enthusiasm like him?
Not really.
His old mother, on the day of his surgery, made a phone call, "distressed" him for a while, and then told him a few words, claiming to pick up and drop off his brother's younger son, plus there was an old father with inconvenient legs and feet, who could not go to the hospital to see him for a while, and as for his brother and sister, not a single text message was sent, not a phone call was made.
Or a nurse saw him lying alone in the hospital bed, and after a few words of concern for him, he had better ask a nurse to help.
In this way, after six days in the hospital, the family did not have any temperature for him.
02 Looking back, he couldn't help but call his ex-wife: I'm sorry, I was too unconscionable
Seeing his situation, Liu Yi felt a pang of bitterness in his heart, and he couldn't understand why he had fallen into the field of "lonely people" now.
Of course, this is not the most ironic.
In the past, when he was not divorced, although his wife always quarreled with him because of his family, when he was unwell, his wife still took care of him with hard work, even if he had a heavy cold infusion, his wife would take her daughter to guard him. At that time, he felt that it was natural for women to take care of men, and coupled with the fact that his wife always liked to pull a face and seemed reluctant, therefore, although he was a little bored with his wife's care, he pointed out a few words from time to time, but he still enjoyed it with peace of mind.
But now, after looking for a caregiver, he found out how happy it was to be taken care of by the people around him.
His nurse is not very delicate, and he usually helps him turn over more times and will be a little impatient, and he, in order to make the nurse treat himself better and help himself a little lighter, not only does not speak as arrogantly as when he was with his ex-wife, but he is also extremely flattering.
Did he dare not change caregivers? Is it because you don't want to spend more money to find a better and more patient caregiver?
Neither.
Rather, when in a difficult situation, desperately hoping for someone to accompany him, he does not dare to easily "offend" the helplessness and timidity of the only person who can help him.
Yes, he had told his wife to drink five or six, and after lying on the hospital bed, he found that he could actually not be impatient and gentle, but he gave this patience and kindness to a stranger who was not familiar with him.
After thinking about it for a long time, after constantly comparing the present with the past, Liu Yi felt more and more that he was too stupid before, and he couldn't help but call his ex-wife, this time, he was no longer as high as before, and instead apologized in a low voice:
"So, busy?" How have you and your daughter been doing lately? I just want to have a word with you... I'm sorry, Xiaoxia, I was too unconscionable before! You are the family that should be cherished the most! ”
Too late to listen to how his ex-wife would answer, he hurriedly hung up the phone in the ex-wife's doubts about "what nerves do you send".
03 Cherish the family that should be cherished, and stay away from the "family" who only know how to take but do not know how to give
Liu Yi was discharged from the hospital on the morning of the eighth day, and what was rare was that on the night he returned home, his sister and brother called him one after another.
This time, though, hearing those concerns, he no longer had the same mood he had when he was first hospitalized.
He laughed and said something like this: "I had a disease, I felt like I was reborn, and suddenly I wanted to open up a lot of things." What should be cherished as a family has not been cherished well, and I should not have been forced, but I always thought that I could rely on my own strength to keep... Up to now, I don't complain about anyone, only blame myself for understanding too late, I hope to meet another person who should be cherished in the future, then I will never be as stupid as before. ”
I don't know what kind of mood Liu Yi said these words, whether it was the pity of not having relatives around when he was bedridden, or the real conscience discovery? Of course, I don't know if he will be able to do what he said if he really had another marriage in the future, and the only thing I can be sure of is that he is right about one thing:
Cherish the "family" that should be cherished.
What is a family?
I think it's very simple, that is, there is a sense of coming and going.
You have a difficulty, I will help without saying a word, I encounter difficulties, you can support without hesitation, both sides do not care about gains and losses, interests, and really want to work together to solve the problem, not when you are useful to me, I have a deep affection for you, you are useless to me, or bring me no benefits, then I will abandon you.
There is a saying in the "Filial Piety Classic": "Those who love their relatives do not dare to be evil to others; those who respect relatives do not dare to be slower than others." ”
The gist is that those who care for their loved ones will not have a bad attitude toward others; those who respect their relatives will not be sloppy towards others.
However, there are many people on the contrary, they are pleasant to strangers and faces, but they are fierce and vicious to their relatives and lovers, and even often rely on the tolerance and tolerance of the other party, and unscrupulously take or spread wild.
Such people, whether parents, siblings, or partners, should stay away.
Because, they do not know how to love and be loved, let alone see the efforts of others, and will only act according to their own ideas.
Finally, I hope that everyone can be content with the present, can see the goodness and love of the people around them, and do not wantonly hurt them when they cherish a person.