When it comes to getting along with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it may really be a topic that cannot be talked about for three days and three nights.
From the difference in diet and living, to the family's economic expenditure, the concept of taking a baby, getting along with husband and wife... Most of the time, there is an invisible communication gap between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Looking at the various speeches on the Internet, it is simply a special session of the mother-in-law's spit conference.
I feel that my mother-in-law always wants to be the boss, and I feel that I can't get along with my mother-in-law!
Spit on the mother-in-law's selfishness.
I think my mother-in-law won't bring a baby!
In short, it feels like as soon as the mother-in-law comes, the original life order of the family is disrupted.
It is undeniable that the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are two generations, and there are indeed great differences in living habits and values, but complaining cannot solve the problem.
I know that someone shared his feelings after living with his mother and mother-in-law for a while, and seemed to find the answer from it.
(An online one about the comparison and sharing with mothers and mothers-in-law after living)
This person said that she observed: when getting along with her mother, everything listens to herself, and the family is harmonious; the mother-in-law comes and wants to become the master of the family, and the contradiction between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is about to erupt.
Through comparison, she came to a conclusion: if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law want to get along harmoniously, they must abide by the rule of who is in whose house. This conclusion seems to find the cause of the family chaos. If there is no one in a family, everyone wants to live according to their own ideas, and the result is not a mess of porridge?
So, a family must have a clear host. The owner of the family needs to make the rules and principles of the family, and everyone else must follow this rule, which is called establishing family boundaries.
Therefore, the essence of the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not so much that the values of the two generations are different, but rather that many times the boundaries of a family are broken.
Family boundaries are often invisible fences in family relationships, when people get along with each other, which allows both parties to maintain appropriate distance.
Don't underestimate this distance, in the family relationship it represents everyone's respect for each other, and it is also the bottom line for everyone to protect themselves from harm.
Judging from the voices complaining on the Internet, many mothers-in-law are worried too much, or care too much about young people, so they want to manage everything in a family from food and living to consumption expenditure.
But in fact, the mother-in-law constantly intervenes in the family affairs of the husband and wife, and many times it has long exceeded the scope of her own management. At this time, the family boundary is broken.
It reminds me of the TV series Double Sided Tape more than a decade ago.
In the TV series "Double Sided Tape", viewers can clearly see how a family can finally fall apart because of the arrival of the mother-in-law.
In the TV series, the northeast boy Yaping and the Shanghai girl Li Juan have been sweet and sweet since their marriage, but all this has begun to change because of the arrival of the mother-in-law with very traditional ideas.
First of all, after Li Juan returned from a day's work, the family changed its appearance.
The linen tablecloth on the table was replaced with plastic leather, the sofa was also cushioned with a towel quilt, and the art paintings on the walls were also blocked by the calendar, because the mother-in-law thought that the paintings were too exposed.
Then one day, Li Juan woke up to find the bedroom neatly folded clothes. She immediately reflected that while she and Yaping were sleeping, her mother-in-law entered the bedroom. And the mother-in-law is still cleaning up the condoms used by the couple in the garbage can, which makes Li Juan very devastated, and she feels that the mother-in-law has crossed the line.
In this way, the mother-in-law easily stepped into the physical space of the husband and wife family.
The mother-in-law feels that this is her son's home and her own home, but Li Juan feels in her heart that the mother-in-law is just a guest and should respect the hostess of this family.
In addition, the mother-in-law is not accustomed to the habit of Spending Money and Spending a Lot of Money. In order to avoid looking at the mother-in-law's face, Li Juan bought a 360 dress, and could only say 36 yuan, and the mother-in-law was satisfied. But since then, Li Juan can no longer buy what she wants, obviously it is her own money, but she has no freedom to consume.
Li Juan's mother-in-law has been educating Li Juan with diligence and thrift, which makes Li Juan very uncomfortable but she can't think of a good reason to resist. The world in which the crane lives has since had a dark cloud, and this dark cloud follows wherever it goes, and it shields the bright sunshine.
In this way, the mother-in-law stood on the moral high ground and constantly exerted her influence on the couple.
In fact, what Li Juan did not expect was that changing the family layout and managing family consumption was only the beginning of the mother-in-law's giving orders in this family, and slowly, the mother-in-law began to intervene in the couple of Li Juan and YaPing.
The mother-in-law believes that men are going to work outside, and the seams and repairs at home should be done by women; Li Juan initially had no intention of having children, but was reprimanded by her father-in-law for not fulfilling the obligations of women, and the mother-in-law also thought that this was her own child, and it did not matter to talk about it. The funny thing is that when eating braised pork once, the mother-in-law did not treat Li Juan as her own child, and said that she ate too much.
The couple did not quarrel less because of the mother-in-law's problem, and their feelings were getting worse and worse.
So, why did the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problem eventually evolve into a husband and wife contradiction? It is because the mother-in-law not only has to change the original way of the husband and wife in the living habits, but also constantly forces the young people to accept their own concepts, until the husband and wife's own original concepts are completely destroyed.
Later, Li Juan tried not to go home as much as possible and reduced her direct contact with her mother-in-law.
At this time, in this family, the daughter-in-law disappeared, the mother-in-law slowly replaced the daughter-in-law as the master of the family, and the original principles and operating rules of the family were completely changed.
Behind the mother-in-law's seemingly thoughtful care of the family, she is actually worried about things that she should not worry about, manage things that she should not manage, and does not give young couples their own living space, nor does she give them the respect they deserve. In this way, can the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along without family conflicts?
After saying so many details about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, many people wonder that a very key person seems to be invisible, that is, where has the husband gone?
In fact, the husband is also gone, replaced by the son of the mother-in-law.
The name of the TV series "Double Sided Tape" is the essence of the actor's behavior - he has been playing a role of flattery between his daughter-in-law and his mother-in-law, hoping to glue the two sides like "double-sided tape".
How did he bond?
At the beginning, when the mother-in-law made a major renovation of the family, Li Juan asked her husband to tell her mother-in-law, "You are the guests of the family, not here to be a maid, nor to be the master", Ya Ping felt that this was a small matter, and Li Juan should not be so careful.
Later, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law had conflicts in more and more places, on the one hand, he coaxed Lijuan with sweet words to let Lijuan understand her mother's hardships; on the other hand, he obeyed her mother's ideas and criticized her daughter-in-law to make her happy. Later, when the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law became more and more intense, he had no choice, until finally, he began to beat Li Juan and use violence to solve the problem.
In fact, Yaping has hardly resolved the contradiction between mother and daughter-in-law from beginning to end. He always let the two sides understand each other, but he never came up with a specific solution, always in the middle and in the mud.
Speaking of essence, in fact, Yaping is unwilling and will not solve the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Why?
There is a term in psychology called "self-differentiation", which refers to our cognitive and emotional separation from the collective, family, and others, the realization that we are independent of others, and the perception of our own value as individuals.
In the TV series, when Yaping eats the same breakfast every day after his mother leaves, and when he returns home without a prepared meal, he suddenly misses everything his mother has arranged.
In life, his subconscious still relies on his mother, enjoys the convenience brought by his mother to himself, in fact, he is a child who is not yet fully independent of the ability to live, eager for others to take care of him, let alone take care of his daughter-in-law.
And in the concept of consciousness, he does not have his own independent ideas. Therefore, when his mother said Thatriza, he felt that it made sense; when The Crane complained to him, he would feel sorry for his daughter-in-law.
So a lot of times, Yaping doesn't know who's right and who's wrong, which causes him to keep oscillating between his daughter-in-law and his mother. However, he never had his own judgment on the affairs between his mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, let alone thought of a way to resolve the contradictions between the two sides.
So, this has to ask, what is the meaning of a person getting married and starting a family? The meaning of starting a family is that a person is independent from two original families, forms and develops a new family, and in the process assumes responsibility for himself.
Apin's mentality of relying on his mother would cause him to never seem to grow up. So in the matter of the mother-in-law without boundaries, the son is the biggest complicity. If he is not separated from his dependence on his mother, he will never realize that he has to take responsibility for his own family.
In addition to him, there were all the relatives around him. This is because the mother-in-law often lived in a collective family environment, in their time, they ate a large pot of rice, carried out collective labor, and everything existed in the form of a group.
Fei Xiaotong pointed out in "Native China": "In The Chinese vernacular society, there is no strict group boundary between the family, and the elements in this community can expand outward according to the needs of the relatives. ”
In the past, there were often several families under a family, and the relationship between older brothers and sisters-in-law, brothers and sisters-in-law, uncles and aunts was complicated. If one family has something, other families have to ask about it to a greater or lesser extent. The advantage is that helping each other can solve the problem, but the disadvantage is also obvious, there is no privacy when you get too close to each other. Moreover, there are often entanglements of interests and entanglements with each other.
In large groups without strict boundaries, your business is my business, and the idea that relatives should care for each other is deeply rooted in their hearts. Many times, the mother-in-law can not know that her care exceeds the needs of the husband and wife.
Finally, what about the daughter-in-law? You can only passively accept the results.
As soon as the rebellion intensified, family conflicts came.
In essence, the breaking of family boundaries is a conspiracy of all.
Whether the daughter-in-law, husband is a mother-in-law or other, family members respect each other's boundaries, assume their own responsibilities, and respect the rights of others, so that they can reduce harm to each other.
Recently, I saw a reader's message on the Internet, her wife is a full-time housewife, in order to make the family understand himself and his wife better, he calculated an account for the family to express how much the wife's efforts are worth.
There has been a lot of controversy about stay-at-home wives, but it's their own choice for each family. It is very important for this reader that this person is not in the middle and thin mud, but actively maintains his own and his wife's family by clearly settling accounts.
When couples have their own decisions and ideas about family affairs, does what others say at this time still work?
Therefore, the first step in establishing family boundaries is for the son or daughter to separate from his own family and then establish a sense of shared family responsibility with his partner.
Again, what if the elders don't know they have crossed the line? Then what both husband and wife have to do is to constantly remind them and cultivate their sense of boundaries.
In the program of "Mother-in-law and Mother", Zhang Meng once said: "If the mother-in-law herself is very clearly defined and respects the space, we will instead say, my home is your home; but if you want to be the king of the cottage, we will still say, then sorry, we need a little boundary." ”
Many people feel that saying "no" to their parents will break their parents' hearts, and establishing certain boundaries will alienate them from their parents. But in fact, if we think about it, parents love to worry about their children so much that they have no interests and goals in life, and revolve around their children all their lives.
But if parents are asked to worry less about themselves, they can slowly shift their attention to their own lives. Square dancing, singing, and even taking short videos of the lives of the elderly, etc., when children help their parents integrate into their elderly life or find new hobbies, both sides can get breathing space.
Finally, there may be some people who say that elders just want to care about your life, to help you, what to do?
Wu Zhihong once mentioned a point of view - "paste logic", that is, the circle in which Chinese is located is like a huge paste, and eventually the chaos is a clump. Obviously, paste has no boundaries, many people use the "paste logic" to live, unscrupulously participate in the lives of others, do not know how to stop, and even under the guise of "for your own good", "care for you", "you have to obey and do filial piety", so that you feel a kind of moral oppression.
In fact, we can also distinguish whether such care and reconciliation is really good, and the criterion is whether the whole family is really happier. If you can manage everything for others because of "care", it is essentially a violation of the family boundaries of the husband and wife.
Therefore, to re-examine the concern of the elders, we must also re-understand filial piety. The lifestyle and life pursuits that husband and wife are accustomed to do not necessarily have to be agreed and approved by their parents, only when their families live well can their parents live well, and it is the best filial piety.
There have always been various problems to be faced and solved between husband and wife and elders, and each family has its own way of balancing.
From the perspective of family boundaries, the husband and wife's home is not the mother-in-law's home, and the mother-in-law is not obliged to pay unconditionally for the children. On this basis, the two sides can establish their own family boundaries, communicate on an equal footing, and find a suitable way to get along.
Distance produces beauty, and boundaries make family relations more harmonious.