Author: Shi Yu
Source: Psychological Selection (ID: satirxinli)
Online, a dad posted a plea for help.
Because he and his wife are busy at work, they often leave their children at home alone, afraid of any accidents, so they installed a camera at home.
Once, when I opened the camera, I saw my 11-year-old baby, and I brought the female classmates home, and the two lay on the sofa and played games together, behaving intimately.
This scene really scared him and made him embarrassed.
"I don't know how to educate, I don't want to hit his self-esteem, but I'm afraid that they will continue to develop and affect learning."
This concern has resonated with many parents.
The topic of "early love" is not unfamiliar to many parents of adolescent children.
Therefore, today I would like to talk to you about "early love".
01
Early love, is it a flood beast?
When you hear about children's early love, what will be the reaction of many parents?
Early love is not good;
Early love affects grades;
Early love will make children learn badly;
Early love is not what a good student should do.
……
They regard "early love" as a flood beast, and at the first time they think about how to "beat the Mandarin duck" and let the children get lost.
The usual means are: joint teacher supervision, cut off all contact between the two, and more seriously, either beating or scolding.
There was some news like this before.
The 14-year-old girl was found by her father and fractured because of her early love.
The same 14-year-old girl, after being known by her parents, her mother slapped her in the face without saying a word.
The behavior of these parents, as if early love is a stain on the child's life, is eager to cover it up immediately.
It is only under this extreme pressure that it often leads to many tragedies.
Under Baidu's search, there are many incidents of early love suicide.
Parents don't understand, I only prevented his early love for the sake of his child's good, why would he do this?
This is because many parents are treating their children in a "crushing" way.
If you are wrong, you will be scolded until you admit your mistake, and you will be beaten until you promise not to do it again next time.
This kind of education seems to be convenient, but "crushing" will inevitably bring confrontation.
Even children will choose to rebel at the cost of their lives.
02
The real horror is not early love, it is the ability to not love
There is a saying that parents and children seem to be facing each other, but in fact, there are thousands of gulfs between them.
Perhaps in the eyes of some parents:
"My kids are ignorant, he has no emotions, no sexual desire, no need for a boyfriend/girlfriend, no need for a crush on anyone."
But in the eyes of many children:
"I need to be loved, and I want to be loved."
This is a serious separation and misunderstanding between parents and children.
Before that, many people complained about some parents' "double standard" concept of marriage and love.
When reading, afraid of affecting grades, so strictly prohibit children from falling in love;
After graduating from college, I was afraid that my children would not be able to marry, so I frantically urged marriage.
Parents are using their own ideas to influence their children's lives, but they forget:
The power to love is never achieved overnight.
Readers have told her story before.
When I was studying, I was ordered by my parents not to fall in love, and until I graduated from college, my feelings were still blank.
Not long after work, her parents began to ask her about love and marriage, and arranged wave after wave of blind dates.
Dazed, she was hastily pushed into the palace of marriage, and then accompanied by repeated accusations and arguments between the two, the marriage made her miserable.
There is also a person who was scolded by her parents in front of her classmates because she fell in love in high school, and she has always felt that she was not loved when she grew up.
In her book Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson says:
"Can you imagine how confusing it would be for a child to be punished for what he was destined to do as a result of growing up? This can cause the child to develop a sense of guilt and shame. ”
If you make your child feel that "early love" is shameful, then the child may equate "love" with "disgraceful things" in his heart, and he may no longer identify with himself.
Therefore, as Teacher Wu Zhihong said:
Sometimes, the real horror is not early love, but the ability to love.
03
Face the child's early love: "Can't scold, to boast"
"Love" is everyone's nature and an important ability.
It's just that we may have learned a lot of knowledge and skills from childhood to adulthood, but we rarely learned about how to love.
So many times, we will be scaled in love.
So, how do you learn about the power to love?
There are probably two aspects:
On the one hand comes the influence from the relationship between the parents.
It is said that the parents' view of marriage hides the future of their children.
For "what love really looks like", children can intuitively see and feel it from their closest parents.
On the other hand, it comes from the guidance of parents to their children.
Especially when the child's love sinus first opens, it is the best time for parents to tell their children "what is love", "how to love people", and "how to respect a love".
What can we do? What to be aware of?
There are two suggestions for the following:
First, it is better to accept and identify than to humiliate and suppress
Before watching a speech by teacher Li Meijin, she contacted a girl, because she was in love with others, her mother scolded her a few words, and the girl felt that she was not interested in jumping off the building.
Teacher Li Meijin believes that in the face of children's early love, parents cannot scold.
Not only can not be scolded, but also boasted.
"My daughter is awesome, and being loved at such a young age shows that my daughter is very cute."
After the child opens the atrium, the next persuasion becomes smoother.
"Don't be so excited about this, since someone loves you, you are still very valuable, why do you want to die?" Don't die, wait for others to love, we can also love others. ”
This method is considered to be a model for educating children in early love.
In fact, it is not only in the face of children's early love, children have any problems, and parental approval is more effective than humiliation and suppression.
This is because people want to be right and accepted, which is the nature of everyone.
But if the parents use words and behaviors to tell their children, "You are wrong," then they put the child in a confrontational position.
At this time, the door of the child's heart is closed, and you say that no amount of it will work.
Therefore, if you want to be able to talk to your child well, it is important to let the door of the other person's heart open for you first.
Second, rather than hiding it, it is better to tell the child generously.
The more I don't want people to know, the more curious I am and want to know.
This law applies to anything, including "sex education" or "love education."
Many times, when we regard "sex" and "early love" as flood beasts, we are afraid that children will learn badly and take crooked roads.
Avoiding it is the best protection for children in our cognition.
But it is very sad that the proportion of underage sexual assault cases and the proportion of underage abortions are rising.
This is because when we isolate the child from "sex" and "early love", the child does not know what is right, what is wrong, what can be done and what cannot be done, and the possibility of making mistakes will be greater.
Therefore, we may as well be generous enough to let children understand.
There was a mother who talked to her daughter about early love in this way.
One day, my daughter, who had just started junior high school, said to her nervously: I received a love letter from a boy, what should I do?
The mother listened, took her daughter's hand, and said to her, "Mom is very happy, thank you for sharing this secret with me."
She then told her daughter that at this age, it was normal for men and women to have good feelings for each other, and that she should not be burdened psychologically.
Then, she shared her young love experience, telling her daughter that in the life of a person, she will meet a lot of boys who like you and you like, and know how to find their strengths and weaknesses, which advantages will make people shine, and which shortcomings are absolutely intolerable. Including in their age group, what can be done and what cannot be done.
What I think is remarkable about this mother is that she did not reprimand her children condescendingly, nor did she completely avoid talking about it, "This is not what you should do at your age." Instead, treat her as an individual.
Tell her:
Love is a beauty. Love is a responsibility. But also remember not to hurt others, and not to let yourself be hurt in love.
04
Finally, I would like to say:
Every child who reaches adolescence is a period of "self-understanding" and "identity" in development.
This means that at this stage, he is constantly alone through the experiences and experiences of life, in determining what kind of person he is.
This process can only be explored by himself, and others cannot replace it.
So I think love and respect are more important than interfering and obstructing.
Let's end with a passage that Teacher Huang Lei once said.
"If my daughter were fifteen years old and in love, I would think it would be normal. She was adolescence, the beginning of her love, and I think it was beautiful. I think it's normal and natural for a person to be fourteen or fifteen years old and have a crush on another person, and we should guide it in a healthier direction. ”