Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Two days ago, a parent left a message saying that she recently found that her child liked to "ask" for praise.
For example, if the child draws a picture and shows it to her, waiting for her to praise, if she just nods her head and does not praise, the daughter's face immediately changes, frowns and says: "Mom, why don't you praise me?" ”
Or, after eating, the daughter Xingchong brought a towel to wipe the table clean, and then asked her:
"Mom, am I great?"
Although the child usually performs well, she also feels distressed when the number of such times is more, and begins to worry about whether there is anything wrong.
After communicating with this parent, she learned that she usually did whatever the child did casually, and she habitually praised the child as "you are awesome".
The kid put up a block, "Wow, that's awesome! ”
The child casually jumped a few movements, "Baby is awesome! ”
The child swept the ground with a broom, "That's nice! Will sweep the floor. ”
......
In this way, the child becomes particularly dependent on praise.
If parents do not adjust their ways, the negative impact on their children is even greater.
Adler, the founder of individual psychology, said that human beings naturally "have a pursuit of superiority."
When a child does a good thing, even if it is small, the praise and praise of adults will make the child feel very happy.
In order to feel this happiness again, the child will do more similar good deeds, perform better, and expect greater praise from the parents.
As a result, a virtuous circle is formed.
Indeed, when the child is performing well, it is important for parents to praise the child in time.
However, sometimes, the words and methods of praise are not right, but they will adversely affect the children and need to arouse the vigilance of parents.
Why is it recommended that parents not always say "you are awesome" to their children?
Words like "you're awesome" and "really good" are very general, hollow, and perfunctory, and the child does not know where his "stick is" and why "stick"?
And the main target is the result.
First, when children get used to listening, the weight of parental praise will be reduced, and the effect of promoting children to produce good behavior is less and less obvious.
Second, in the long run, children may become dependent on external praise.
I only like to listen to words of praise, can't help criticism, can't afford to lose, and have low ability to resist setbacks.
Third, the child may do something in order to "seek recognition".
For example, serious study, do a good job of housework, but also need praise to do or do a good job, once you can't get praise, it is not good to do, causing wrong guidance to children.
More importantly, this lack of nutrition praise can not make the child know themselves more clearly, so as to continue to work hard in terms of their own excellent qualities.
I can understand that some parents want to cultivate their children's self-confidence, so they often praise their children as "great" and "powerful".
But under this kind of praise, the self-confidence built by the child is fragile, and when he does not hear praise for a long time, it is easy to self-doubt.
In order to avoid the child being "kidnapped" by praise, what is the correct way to praise the child?
1. Describe specific facts
Effective praise is to describe the facts and say the specifics so that the child can be very clear about what he is doing well.
For example, the child cleans up the room very neatly, rather than praising "you are awesome" and "well done", it should be said:
"You sweep the floor very clean, the bed and table top are very neatly kept and very comfortable to look at."
The child draws a picture and can say:
"You use color very well, the lines are smooth, the scenes in the picture, the characters, and you are also very imaginative."
The more specific the words of praise, the more convincing they are, which can promote children's self-awareness and thinking.
Know where to keep working, focus on the thing itself, and gradually build solid self-confidence.
2. Be more sure of effort and intrinsic qualities, not talent
Professor Carol Dweck, a renowned developmental psychologist at Stanford University, and her team have done a special study on the "effect of praise on children".
They found that in experimental tests, most of the children who were praised as "smart" chose simple tasks;
When encountering more difficult tasks, he is nervous, scratches his ears and cheeks, and feels frustrated when he can't do the questions.
In another group of children who were praised for their "hard work," 90 percent chose difficult tasks and were very engaged in the test and worked hard to solve the problem in various ways.
Professor Dweck's experiment was repeated many times, and she found that no matter what family background the child had, he couldn't stand the frustration of being praised as "smart" and frustrated.
Dweck said:
"When we praise our children for being smart, we are telling them not to risk making mistakes in order to stay smart."
"Praising children for their hard work will give children a sense of control." Children will think that success is in their own hands.
On the contrary, praising children for being smart is tantamount to telling them that success is not in their own hands.
In this way, when they face failure, they are often helpless. ”
This reminds us parents to try to avoid praising their children's talents, IQ, and innate conditions, such as intelligence and beauty.
This will slowly stifle the child's growth thinking, attribute their good performance to the immutable parts of talent, so it is easy to "glass heart" when encountering setbacks, denying themselves as a whole, and not knowing that they can actually change the status quo through actions.
And effective praise should be an affirmation of the child's efforts, as well as some precious inner qualities.
For example, seriousness, carefulness, persistence, willingness to endure hardships, optimistic attitude, bravery, compassion and so on.
Under such guidance, children will form a growth mindset, pay more attention to the process, believe in their own strength, continue to maintain the motivation to move forward when encountering difficulties, and actively take practical actions to change the status quo.
3. Praise is not only given when a child does a good job
Many parents usually praise their children when their children behave well and please themselves, but this is not the case.
When children make mistakes, encounter setbacks, and do things well, they can still use praise to stimulate positive behavior in children.
I remember once reading a story that happened to a French family:
The little boy broke the vase in the house and glued it up, and was found by his mother, who lied that the cat had run in and broken it.
The mother did not say anything, and called the child to the room at night, not only did not criticize him, but praised:
"You use your magical imagination to invent a cat with an open window, and in the future, you can definitely write a good detective novel." 」
Then affirm that the child said:
"You have excellent repair skills, and although you use glue, the cracks are almost perfectly bonded."
The child was ashamed and unable to speak.
After this incident, the child never lied again.
This wise mother, even if the child makes mistakes, knows how to explore the child's advantages to affirm, stimulate the child's ability to introspect, the child will have a deeper thinking about their mistakes, learn to self-discipline.
In life, parents should also understand the art of praise.
When the child makes a mistake, by discovering the positive side of the child's behavior, it can ignite the sense of value in the child's heart and use the advantages to drive the change of shortcomings.
For example, if a child paints a mess of walls, you can praise the child's creativity and imagination.
Tell your child that you can prepare a suitable paper for him and create on it later.
When the child encounters setbacks and does not perform well, it can help the child find the "well-done self", thus stimulating the child's self-confidence, and he will have more courage and motivation to make changes.
For example, if the child is careless and has a lot of wrong homework, you can say to him:
"I remember that your last language assignment was particularly careful, and the punctuation marks were carefully written and checked."
Children are lazy at home, the room is very messy, you can first help children find their own diligent side:
"You don't need me to urge you every morning, you get up quickly, you are a diligent child."
Then put forward your own expectations:
"It would be nice if the room could be tidied up."
Using this "praise method" to educate children, children are not only more willing to change, but also form an internal driving force, and consciously make continuous progress in a good direction.
- END -
Author: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs), dedicated to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts. Note: All images come from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact.
live broadcast
Your child can also become an Olympic champion,
It's just that you don't have the eyes to discover your child's talent.
At 12:30 noon, come to Dr. Guo's live broadcast room,
Let you have the eyes to discover your child's potential!