The same challenge, the same problem, the child with a growth mindset and the child with a fixed mindset are destined to get two endings.
Author | Coke Mom
Some time ago, when I sent my son to a Go lesson, I happened to meet a mother who was dragging her child to the classroom.
I saw the child crying while struggling, pulling his throat and shouting:
"I don't want to learn, I really can't learn..."
Listening to the child's words, the mother was obviously even more angry, and reprimanded the child like a machine gun:
"If you're all there, do you still have to pay to send you to class?" The person who patted your chest and said that you wanted to learn was you, and now it is you who gives up when you encounter a little difficulty.
I count 1, 2, 3 and shut me up right away! ”
The child still wanted to say something, but forced by his mother's livid face, he could only grieve his mouth.
Eventually, Ash slipped into the classroom.
I believe that for many parents, this scene is not unfamiliar:
In life, many children often complain that "it is too difficult", "I will not", "can't do it", and as soon as they encounter setbacks, they immediately want to give up.
In fact, when faced with difficulties, it is often the thinking mode that determines what kind of approach a child will take.
After 30 years of research, Stanford Psychology Professor Carol Dweck found that people's thinking patterns can be roughly divided into two types:
Fixed thinking and growth thinking.
There is a set of comparison charts on the Internet that show the main differences between the two:
1. People with fixed thinking avoid challenges, and people who grow thinking welcome challenges.
2. People who have fixed minds hate change, and people who grow thinking embrace change.
3. Fixed-minded people always focus on limitations, and growth-thinking people often look for opportunities.
4. People with fixed thinking feel incapable of changing the status quo, and growth thinking thinks that everything is possible.
5. People with fixed thinking do not accept criticism, and people who grow thinking cherish feedback and take the initiative to learn.
6. People with fixed thinking like to stay in their comfort zone, and people who think big like to explore new things.
7. Fixed-minded people think that effort is useless, and growth-minded people think that every failure is a lesson.
8. People with fixed thinking think that they don't need to learn after graduation, and people who grow thinking feel that learning is a lifelong career.
It is not difficult to see:
People with fixed thinking think that IQ is fixed, effort is useless, and they will easily give up when they encounter difficulties;
Growth-thinking people believe that their potential is unlimited, and the setbacks in front of them will eventually become a ladder of their own progress, so as to constantly challenge themselves.
So why do some children fall into fixed thinking?
Probably because of three common wrong behaviors of parents on weekdays —
Myth 1:
Parents are used to setting limits on themselves
Refuse to try something new
Behind almost every child with problems, there is a "sick" home.
Last week, my sister called me to dinner at home.
As soon as I walked in the door, she said she was going crazy by her daughter.
Through my sister's narration, I learned that after entering junior high school, my niece Youyou had a serious partial situation, and the language and English were good, but the science was a mess.
In particular, physics and chemistry, which I have not been exposed to in elementary school, according to Yo-Yo, have never understood these two subjects.
However, Yo-Yo didn't seem to be planning to catch up.
During class, I frequently wandered my mind, and when I did my homework, I secretly searched the Internet for answers.
When he was in a hurry, he slyly argued, "I just can't keep up, and I was born without a long and reasonable brain." ”
In this case, you can make your sister sad:
"Tell me, how did this kid do this?"
Even if you are good at liberal arts, the middle school entrance examination is still to test physics and chemistry! ”
However, my sister's words reminded me of something else:
On weekdays, my sister is also a person who often hangs "stupid brain" and "can't learn";
Because she can't use Excel, every time there is a need for work for many years, she asks her brother-in-law to help her do it, asking her why she doesn't learn, but her sister said with a straight face:
"Looking at those symbols makes my head grow bigger, and I can't remember it no matter how many times I teach it!"
This, in fact, is the terrible point of self-limitation.
Brain scientist Hong Lan once put forward a point of view:
The brain can be changed by language.
The child may not listen to us, but he will subtly imitate our behavior.
When parents always say "I can't do it" and "can't do it", the child will unconsciously receive this information and gradually think that he is just as bad.
Over time, the child's brain really "becomes stupid".
Myth 2:
Percussion education
Plunge your child into a strange circle of helplessness
I remember seeing such a story in the "Psychological Interview" program:
There is a girl named Fan Chengjin, who is 33 years old.
After graduating from college, I never went out to look for a job, and for ten years, I have been hiding at home and nibbling on the old age.
Facing the camera, she recalls her childhood:
When she was in junior high school, she once liked to write and draw, and she also designed her own clothing and sneakers, but her parents saw her and severely criticized her:
"What's the use, is it useful?" Read a book to go! ”
When cooking accidentally put too much water, the whole family would run over and accuse her.
Over time, she became more and more inferior.
At its worst, she couldn't even speak. But her family still couldn't help but carry out a percussive education for her:
"You're going to do something, I'll kneel down for you!"
"You've done it, the dogs have done it!"
In this way, Fan Chengjin fell into the quagmire of self-doubt and self-denial little by little.
Ultimately, choose to spend the rest of your life in self-isolation.
When a child is criticized for whatever he does, his only option is to do nothing.
Many times, adults may not realize that a blurted out criticism and depreciation affect not only the child's present, but also his entire thinking mode.
Myth 3:
Praise children when it comes to
Just say "that's smart, "You're awesome."
Some parents may say that I often praise my children, but children are still unwilling to work hard and try new things.
In fact, sometimes inappropriate praise can solidify a child's thinking.
Carol Dweck, a well-known psychologist at Stanford University, once conducted an experiment on more than 400 students at more than 20 schools in New York:
In the first round of tests, the researchers prepared some very simple puzzle pieces for the children.
After each child completes the test, the researchers publish their scores on the spot, accompanied by a word of praise.
But the difference is that the first group of children hears "You are smart and talented at puzzles", while the second group hears "You must have worked hard to perform so well." ”
In the second round of testing, children can choose the difficulty of the test:
One is more difficult but learns something new from it; the other is relatively simple and more similar to the previous round.
As a result, 90% of the children who were praised for "hard work" chose the first type, while most of the children who were praised as "smart" fell to the second type.
Subsequently, a third round of testing began.
The difficulty of this round of testing far exceeds the level of these children, and no one completes the task.
But in the face of difficulties, children who are praised for their "hard work" tend to keep trying, and in the end, their grades improve by about 30% compared to the first test;
Children who can be praised as "smart" are more likely to give up, and they are more likely to feel depressed and anxious.
Not only that, but their scores have regressed by about 20% compared to the first time.
After a series of studies, the researchers finally came to the conclusion:
Children who are praised as "smart" will attribute their failures to insufficient talent; children who are praised for "hard work" will be more focused on the process of doing things.
At the same time, the former can't stand the sense of failure of being praised for being smart and suffering setbacks.
This is a good explanation for why some children are reluctant to take the initiative to try, and once they experience setbacks, they will only be helpless.
Wrong praise not only can not enhance the child's self-confidence, but will damage the child's ability to resist pressure and hinder the child's way of thinking.
Professor Carol Dweck conducted an experiment on poor students from 13 high schools in the United States.
The results show that:
Children with a growth mindset are more willing to meet challenges and make efforts, and have good adaptability in the face of setbacks;
If you want to cultivate your child's growth mindset, parents can start from the following three aspects:
1. Parents often use positive expressions
Growth mindset is not so much taught as demonstrated.
In life, parents should try to use positive expressions:
Change "I won't" to "I can learn";
Change "I can't" to "I'll try harder";
Change "it's too hard" to "this thing is full of challenges"...
Parents often consciously describe problems in a positive light, and children learn self-confidence and courage in their ears.
2. Affirm the child's efforts and guide the child to correct attribution
Fixed-minded parents only focus on whether their children achieve the goals they expect; growth-oriented parents are more concerned about the process of their children's efforts.
Psychologist He Lingfeng once shared his story in a speech:
After seeing his daughter's 59-point test paper, he did not criticize and accuse his daughter, but told her daughter that the test was also divided into a selective test and a diagnostic test, and encouraged her:
"This time, you diagnosed a 41-point problem, which is the biggest beneficiary of this exam."
Professor He Lingfeng did this to let his daughter know that the exam was wrong, but because the mastery of knowledge was not skilled enough.
Scolding children for being "stupid" and "stupid" will make children mistakenly believe that they are not talented or capable enough, thus losing the motivation to continue to move forward.
Therefore, parents must not deny the process of their children's efforts because the results are not satisfactory.
3. Reject general, empty praise and master the correct posture of praising your child
In his book Lifelong Growth, Professor Carol Dweck mentions:
"If a child does a good job of doing something, when praising him, emphasize the process of his efforts, rather than what he was born with."
For example, praise your child's attitude, focus, persistence, creativity, strategy, etc. ”
Not only that, but parents can also try the famous "FFC model":
F (fact fact) - "After coming home today, your mother did not urge you, you took the initiative to start writing homework";
F (feeling feeling) – "It makes my mom feel very proud, and it's comforting to see my baby finally develop good habits";
C (compare) – "You've improved a lot compared to last semester"
However, it is worth noting that in the "comparison" link, parents are best not to compare their children with other people's children, but only with the children themselves.
There is a classic line in the movie "The Godfather":
"People who spend half a second to see through the essence of things, and people who spend their whole lives unable to see the essence of things, are doomed to completely different fates."
In fact, with a little attention, you will find:
Children in a class who excel academically and continue to improve are often not necessarily the smartest, nor are they necessarily the best from their families, but they must be the least likely to give up when they encounter setbacks.
Therefore, as a parent, it is more important to establish a new thinking mode for children than to force their children to learn:
No longer pursue one-time and immediate results.
Instead, turn your eyes to the process, continue to exert efforts, and temper yourself with long-term sweat and unswerving persistence.
Only in this way can children get out of the cage of thinking and rush to a broader world.