Children's desire for appreciation and praise is like a plant's desire for water and sunshine.
Parents' heartfelt praise is the necessary nourishment for them to thrive.
Author | summer
See this little video:
A mother pulled out various "pieces of paper" from her son's messy bag, and almost every book was rolled out of shape.
Mom opened the back of one of the books with disgust and found that it was written "The target is Tsinghua Peking University."
The mother turned her head to see her son sitting at the table with Erlang's legs crossed and leisurely nibbling on the pen shaft, crying and laughing, and she said with some sarcasm:
"I can't believe that you're usually so disobedient and have such a big goal."
If you can be admitted to Tsinghua Peking University, your old wife and I will run around the town naked. ”
What makes me pay special attention to is that this mother's ridicule of her son unexpectedly evoked painful memories of many netizens:
"It's really the same parents, in their eyes, your dream is a joke."
"They don't believe you can get one thing done.
Even if you really do it well, it will taunt you with doubt:
'Is this really your own test?' Didn't copy someone else's, right?
As long as your small body is concerned, long-distance running can still run first, you blind me. ’”
"My parents are like this, they don't believe me, and they often hit me with sarcasm, as if I don't deserve to have dreams, and I can't become better and better..."
Remember a saying in "The Little Prince":
"As long as you say yes, I am brave enough."
Every child is desperate for the affirmation and praise of their parents.
The affirmation and praise of parents is like a pair of magical hands of destiny, which can open a window for children and close a door for children.
Therefore, good parents must know how to "hold the scene" for their children.
The more you hit, the worse the child gets
There is a little boy named Huluwa in "Little Giant Games".
He was the first in every competition, but his parents never praised him, let alone praised him in front of everyone.
He said dismayfully on the show:
"If I'm a little bit strong, my mother says I'm far away from others."
When singer Wang Sutaki asked him:
"Do you feel wronged that you didn't get the praise you deserved?"
He immediately covered his eyes with his arms and cried.
In "When Parents Mature, Children Become Talents", it is written:
"A child's heart is immature, and he may be motivated by a word of encouragement from his parents, or he may be overwhelmed and lose confidence because of a tired look from his parents."
The people children care about most are their parents.
Every word of a parent is the strength and basis for the child to find himself and determine himself.
Many times, the parents' depreciation, blowing, and pouring cold water will not only not let the child "know the shame and then be brave", but will destroy the child's self-confidence and cut off the child's potential.
"Psychological Interview" once told the story of Fan Chengjin, a "senior nibbling old man".
When Fan Chengjin was young, her parents had high expectations of her, hoping that she could become a "sparkling piece of gold".
In order to make Fan Chengjin more motivated and more prominent, her parents often criticized her, suppressed her, and criticized her.
When she first learned to write, her father would point to the homework book and say:
"What did you write about?" Ugly to death? Quickly erased the rewrite. ”
When she was in elementary school, she was active in her thinking and liked to draw some of her own inventions on homework books, and her mother criticized her:
"Don't do the right thing, steal and slip."
Later, she liked the costume design, she showed her work to her mother, hoping to get her mother's support and praise, but her mother did not think so:
"What's this, what's the use?" Read a book to go! ”
She managed to get 80 points, and her father not only did not praise her, but also ridiculed her:
"There are so many people in your class who score more than 90 points, and there are those who score 100 points, why can't you take the test a little higher?"
She had just graduated from college and found a job that suited her, and her mother pointed at her nose and scolded her:
"The work we can do after graduating from high school, our hard work has been wasted.
You're going to do it, and I'll kneel down for you.
You can do it, the dog can do it. ”
In this way, under the repeated crackdown and criticism of his parents, Fan Chengjin became more and more inferior and more resistant to the matter of "satisfying his parents".
She chose to give up on herself completely, not looking for a job and not working, and nibbled all the way to the old for 10 years.
Faced with her parents' disappointment and dissatisfaction, she angrily accused her parents in front of the camera:
"You cut off my wings and still want me to fly?"
The reason why I have become like this is because of you. ”
As the "Law of Attraction" in psychology puts it:
What you think, what you pay attention to, what you worry about, what comes.
Parents always can't see the advantages of their children, always remind their children of their shortcomings, and only let children despise themselves, deny themselves, give up on themselves, and become worse and worse.
Children's confidence and self-worth come from the affirmation, encouragement and praise of their parents.
The more parents will "hold the scene", the more confident and excellent the child will be.
The more you hit, the farther the child is from you
Do you know why some children don't kiss their parents?
Two important reasons are the neglect and blowing of parents.
Ni Hongjie, who became popular because of "Love Myth", has a very stiff relationship with her parents.
She said in an interview:
She was beautiful since she was a child, but her parents never praised her for being beautiful.
She filmed an advertisement for Tingmei and became "China's first beautiful breast model", and her parents felt very humiliated.
She starred in "Zhu Wushuang" in "The Legend of Wulin", and her parents didn't say anything as if they didn't have this.
Once, when she saw her father watching TV, she tentatively said to her father that the station seemed to be broadcasting my "Double Thorns", and her father only responded with a very cold "Oh".
The indifference of her parents has greatly hit Ni Hongjie, and has also created a gap between Ni Hongjie and her parents that can never be crossed.
A while ago, Ni Hongjie shared a small matter in an interview.
That day, she came home from work to play the piano, and when she came home, her father was just burying his head in dinner, but his father did not ask Ni Hongjie a word from beginning to end, "Are you hungry?"
Ni Hongjie was deeply embarrassed, and did not stay for a few minutes before she slipped away under the pretext of "there are staff waiting downstairs".
On the elevator, Ni Hongjie's tears could no longer be contained.
There is a concept of "chronic empathy failure" in psychology, which refers to the long-term indifference of parents to their children's emotions during their children's growth.
No matter what the child wants, the parents are in a state of "no response" and "pouring cold water", which will make the child feel deeply abandoned and feel that "the parents do not love themselves".
Children can't feel the love of their parents, and they will be farther and farther away from their parents in disappointment and discouragement again and again.
Dzerzhinsky said:
"The child loves the person who loves him the most... Only love can cultivate him, and when a child sees and feels the love of his parents for him, he will try to obey and not provoke his parents to be angry. ”
Every child craves the love and attention of their parents.
Only when children feel the love of their parents can children believe that they are loved and learn to love their parents.
A long time ago, I watched a video of a college student escorting Tsinghua University.
He says in the video:
"I grew up in a happy family, and my parents mainly encouraged me in my education.
My grades weren't ideal at first, and I could even describe them as bad.
But my parents always saw a little bit of small progress and kept cheering me on, encouraging, and supporting me.
It was their unconditional love for me, continuous attention and trust that gave me infinite warmth and motivation and sent me to Tsinghua University.
I want to say to my parents:
'Thank you, I love you. ’”
What children want most in their hearts is the understanding, appreciation and encouragement of their parents.
A "will-play" parent can not only meet the psychological needs of children, make children more motivated to continue to work hard, but also make the parent-child relationship more satisfactory.
No matter how good the education
It is also no match for parents who will be on the scene
I've seen a video like this.
Music maestro Zander instructs a 10-year-old Asian girl to play the violin.
The little girl played the piano smoothly, but she looked nervous.
Her eyes were fixed on her fingers, and she never saw a smile on her face.
The master asked the little girl, "Can you smile?" ”
The girl smiled awkwardly.
The master asked again, "Can you jump?" ”
The girl jumped unnaturally.
Helplessly, the master only seemed to be a "big child", personally taking the little girl to jump on the stage.
And constantly encourage the little girl to relax, praise the little girl for being great, let the little girl imagine that she is skating gracefully on the ice...
With the patience and kind encouragement of the master, the little girl finally showed a sincere smile and confidently played a song full of feelings.
At the end of the tutoring, the master asked the little girl's mother:
"Do you think your child is pretty?"
Mom shook her head.
The master asked again, "Do you think she pulls well?" ”
Mom shook her head again.
The master looked at the girl's mother very seriously and said a meaningful word to the girl's mother:
"The child's playing is no problem, but it's hard for her to squeeze out a smile.
You have to know that one important thing is that your worries are spreading through your child.
If you are always worried that your child will not do well, she will really become a worrying person.
The real transformation of today's lesson is not in the children, but in you..."
The master's words not only taught the little girl's mother a lesson, but also taught all her parents a lesson:
No matter how good the education is, it can't beat a parent who will be on the scene.
Xia Qizun also once said:
"Education cannot be without emotion, and without love is like a pond without water.
Without water there is no pond, and without love there is no education. ”
There is no greater education in the world than the education of love.
Parents always habitually deny their children, will not make their children strong, but will only let their hearts dry, withered, and bleak.
Children need encouragement and praise, just as plants need water.
Only when parents believe in their children from the bottom of their hearts, see their children, and give their children sincere encouragement and praise, can they nourish their children's hearts and give them the confidence and courage to do the things in front of them and face greater challenges.
Academician Zhong Nanshan, when he was young, his grades were very poor, and he still loved to skip school.
Once in an exam, he scored a high score for the first time.
Instead of questioning him and mocking him, his mother praised him from the bottom of her heart and with pleasure:
"Nanshan, you can still do it!"
A word of praise filled Zhong Nanshan's heart with energy, and he began to make up his mind to study seriously, until he became today's "Peerless Guoshi" Zhong Nanshan.
So you see, what kind of person parents expect their children to be, what kind of people the children will become.
As the lyrics go:
"You have inspired me, and I can stand proudly on the top of the mountains.
You have inspired me, and I dare to brave the danger of sea storms.
I'm getting stronger only because I'm on your shoulder.
You inspired me, and I surpassed my former self. ”
Parents learn to "hold the scene" for their children, so that children can "live up to expectations".
The Awakening of Parents says:
"Every child has the potential to become an excellent person, but the different education methods of parents give children a different life."
Being a parent who will be a favorite is the blessing of your child's life.
Because those children who are ridiculed, ridiculed, and poured cold water by their parents are often inferior, uneasy, and cowardly.
And those children who are praised and encouraged by their parents will never lack the courage to move forward and the courage to move forward.
May we all be a clapper who applauds our children.
May our children thrive in the light of love and appreciation.