Whether you should praise your child for being smart or hardworking, the answer may be different from what you think

Author | Qianhe

Source | Mom Hug Group (ID: mmbaotuan)

01

Picking up my children from school yesterday, I heard a very interesting conversation at the school gate.

A teenage boy and his mother walked and looked at the scroll in their hands.

"This time I still missed several questions, why can't your English score come up?" The mother said to the child with some helplessness.

I saw that the little boy's lips were tightly closed, and he looked down at his toes, looking overwhelmed.

"It's okay, we will be able to do well in the next exam, the teachers have said, you are a smart child, as long as you work hard, you will definitely be able to learn English well."

An old man next to him, who did not know whether it was grandma or grandma, pulled the child over and said.

"Mom, how many times have I told you, don't always say that he is smart and clever, you hurt him like this."

"I said he was smart and how it hurt him, did I say he was stupid, and that's what the teacher said?" The old man retorted.

"Teachers always praise him for being smart, and say that you are smart but not hard enough, these are all wrong methods of education."

"What? The teacher is also wrong, and the teacher wants to tell you that your child is very hard but not smart to see that you are not angry and vomiting blood. The old man's words made the child's mother dumbfounded.

I wanted to laugh a little bit as I listened to it.

"Don't praise children for being smart", "Praising children for being smart is not as good as praising children's efforts", similar educational views are you often seen?

"You're smart but not hard enough", "You're smart but not serious enough" are you also hearing big things like that?

As a generation that is accustomed to using "smart" to praise children, I can't help but think:

Is cleverness really the "poison" of praising children?

02

Praise the child's intelligence and praise the child's effort

What's the difference?

Why don't you praise children for being "smart", I believe many people have seen such a famous experiment.

Carol Dweck, a professor of behavioral psychology at Stanford University, once tested some students on puzzles and praised them in different ways.

It turned out that children who were praised for their intelligence had different performances than those who were praised for their efforts:

Children who are praised for their efforts are more willing to accept challenges when they see more difficult puzzles and find ways to complete tasks;

Children who are exaggerated and smart are more likely to give up trying and are reluctant to overcome difficulties.

Professor Dweck thus proposed the concepts of fixed thinking and growth thinking, and he believed that different ways of praising inspired two different mental models.

What is the difference between praising children's efforts and praising children's intelligence, we can see from this experiment:

Praising children's efforts will give children a sense of success or failure that they can control by themselves, so that they have the courage to accept challenges and make unremitting efforts in the face of setbacks.

Praising children for their intelligence will make children feel that success is more important than talent, making them despise the meaning of hard work, lazy to try in the face of difficulties, helpless.

But from another aspect, in fact, when a person hears two different evaluations of effort and intelligence, we will have another feeling.

Strange flower said that in the fifth season, there was such a debate: "TA really hard" is not a good sentence?

When we first hear this sentence, the first feeling must be good.

Because we have been educated since childhood is to work hard to succeed, to pay to have a return, if the effort is not good, then what is good?

But the result of the debate tournament surprised everyone: the square actually lost.

Most people think that praising other people's efforts is not a good sentence.

Because when we praise the efforts of others, there is probably such a subtext behind it:

"He's still not talented enough to make up for it with hard work," or "He works hard, but the results are still unsatisfactory." ”

And when we praise others for their intelligence, they may also feel this way:

"I'm naturally good, I'm talented in a way." ；

Or "I'm better at something than others, and it's easy to succeed if I try to do it." ”

In fact, it does not make sense to simply judge whether a person's efforts are good or smart.

Especially for children's education, simply praising the child's efforts does not necessarily make him develop a growth mindset, and the occasional word of wisdom is not so terrible.

03

Praising a child's efforts is not necessarily all right

It's not so scary to praise children for being smart

As a well-behaved girl in the eyes of teachers and parents, the most praised praise I heard when I grew up was being down-to-earth and hardworking.

When I was a child, I also achieved excellent academic results because of my hard work.

But for a while, I hated my parents and teachers for saying that I was a "hard-working" kid.

Because as I grew older, when I encountered a bottleneck that I could not break through no matter how hard I tried, when I saw some of my classmates around me effortlessly achieving results, the word "hard work" brought me deep inferiority.

I wonder if I don't have a high IQ enough? Why do people rarely say I'm smart?

I was afraid that I was not talented, whether I could only use hard work as a fig leaf for myself.

Even later I slowly learned that hard work was really my greatest asset, and at that time, I just learned the wrong way, and immediately after the change, I made great progress.

But I really hope that someone can be able to praise my talent instead of hard work at that time, so that I can see a glimmer of confidence in the dark.

When I was in a relationship with my husband, I talked to him about these feelings.

Contrary to me, he was a kid who had been praised as "smart" since childhood.

When he took the college entrance examination, he did very well in science, especially physics, and he told me a very interesting story when he talked about this.

When he was in junior high school, once the radio at home broke down, when he had just begun to learn the knowledge of circuits in physics, he took the radio apart with curiosity and fiddled with it, and he did not expect that when he installed it again, the radio would be better.

The mother-in-law was particularly surprised, and praised him for his intelligence, saying that he was talented in physics.

As a result, he said a lot, and he originally felt that he had inexplicably fixed the radio, but he also felt that he was really powerful.

Since then, he has developed a keen interest in learning physics, opening the door to a new world in the study of this subject.

I once saw a discussion on zhihu about praising children's intelligence and hard work.

Netizen @ Wen Forget said:

"I was a kid who was told from an early age that I was 'smart and not working hard enough.'

I think it gives me affirmation that I still have room to improve and that I can do better.

If I were to say that I was "hard and not smart enough", I would translate it as "you will do it no matter how hard you try", thus losing motivation. ”

I believe that many children who are praised for their intelligence have felt the same way.

In fact, sometimes, the praise of talent will also bring the power of self-confidence to the child, "smart and not hard enough" the phrase is used in the right place, but also can stimulate the child's potential, let him harvest growth.

04

Whether to praise the child for being smart or hardworking

It's up to the child himself

My friend Momoko is an elementary school teacher, and I often discuss some children's education with her.

Once when we were both talking about how to praise children, I asked her if she had said to her students, "You're smart but not hard enough."

She said:

"Of course! In fact, how to praise or encourage children to achieve the best results needs to consider the specific situation and the child's personal situation, rather than simply analyzing what language to use. ”

Deeply.

Whether you should praise the child's intelligence or hard work, you may wish to choose according to the child's specific situation:

1. Praise what kind of child to work hard about

When the child has put in a lot of energy, overcome a lot of difficulties, and has a hard time accomplishing a thing, please praise his efforts.

"I see you practicing hard every day to make this performance so perfect."

"You must have spent a lot of time memorizing those words, so not a single mistake came up."

Often praising the child sincerely and specifically not only helps the child summarize the reasons for success, but also allows him to experience the truth that hard work will be rewarded in a subtle way.

Please don't say "You're so smart" to him at this time.

Because improper evaluation will make him feel perfunctory or weak-minded, in the long run, it will make the child think that his parents value his talent more, and even think that intelligence is superior to hard work.

2. Be smart about what kind of child

When a child does something easily, praise his cleverness.

Because helping children understand their talents and find themselves good at the direction is the most basic meaning of education;

When your child tries hard but still fails, praise his cleverness.

Because your will definitely dispel his confusion and doubts, even a lie will give people positive hints and make him rekindle the courage to struggle.

When your child fails without trying his best to do something, don't praise him for being smart.

Words such as "you are very smart is careless" and "you will do it is not careful", which not only makes children unable to see their own problems, but also provides a false demonstration for them to make excuses for failure.

3. Praise both the child's intelligence and the child's efforts

In fact, in the process of children's growth, praising children's "smart" or "hard work" is not contradictory and antagonistic.

We don't need to choose between "encouraging our children to work hard" or "praising their talents," because we can praise both our children's intelligence and their efforts.

Frequently praising children's efforts helps children develop a character that is not afraid of difficulties and is willing to challenge;

Occasionally praising children for their intelligence will also allow them to see their talents and have a source of self-confidence.

"You're smart and you're trying so hard." Isn't such a compliment the best encouragement?

For different children, whether it is exaggerating effort or exaggerating intelligence, it can produce good or bad results.

In the grand and far-reaching topic of education, it is the best way to teach according to people and talents.

Click "watching", may every parent have the wisdom of praising their children, and may every child be both smart and hardworking.

Pay attention to the video number of old Xue's whole brain early education

This article comes from the mother hugging group (ID: mmbaotuan), the hard work and happiness of mothers, we all understand; the growth exchange platform for mothers, welcome to pay attention.