This is the 2290th article in modern parent education
This article comes from the public account: Qian Zhiliang Studio
ID: qzlgzs
The success of children is inseparable from the cultivation of independence.
A person's independence must not only have the ability to live independently, but also require independent thinking, which is manifested in children as active thinking, actively facing and solving practical problems in life.
Rome was not built in a day, and the independence of children does not suddenly increase with age, requiring parents to guide step by step.
In today's article, we will explore how to cultivate children's independent surnames from three aspects: life, psychology and learning.
1
Cultivate independence in life
Always say, "Come and try it."
I remembered a friend after the 80s who said: "When we were young, we were not able to watch our parents busy and sit there without moving. ”
But around us, many children watch their parents busy, sit on the sofa and watch TV, adults mop the floor, he can not lift his feet, there are not a few children like this.
Not long ago, a parent talked about his son's boarding problem, and his child boarded in the county school from the beginning of high school.
They were a very small county town, and the children's ability to live was much stronger than that of the children in the big cities.
Only his own son is mediocre in this regard, the dormitory of six people, only he can not wash clothes, can not make mattresses, plug quilt covers.
Mom went to school every week, took home the dirty clothes he had accumulated for a week, and cleaned up his bed.
When talking about this matter, the mother did not express concern about the child's ability to live, but simply said "he will not" to rationalize everything.
As adults, it is too easy for us to "underestimate" children, in our eyes, children are always fragile, in need of help, even if some children reach the age of eighteen, we still regard him as children.
We rarely give our children too many opportunities to learn how to live their lives.
Is it that children don't do it? It is adults who are not at ease to let children do it.
The adult's uneasiness has led the child to dare not try, and after a long time, he has also labeled himself as "I will not".
Therefore, if we want our children to live independently, we parents need to often say to our children: "You come and try it!" ”
The floor sweep is not clean, sweep a few times to become skilled; washing dishes is slow, try more times the efficiency is high; will not wash clothes, learn from your mother a few times will be...
In the beginning, children always do not do well, but growth is constant trial and error, they are learning from the consequences of not doing well.
The child's ability to live depends entirely on the parents' vision to let go at an early stage.
Many parents often ask: "When is it best to cultivate children's independence in life?" ”
There is no standard answer to this question, but one thing is certain: as long as the child is willing to try, we will support it.
2
Cultivate psychological independence
Please often say: "You can decide/choose this matter"
One of the characteristics of children who are not independent is that they have no opinion.
Taiwanese education scholar Li Chongjian once mentioned in a TED speech that as a teacher, when children need to "choose", they most often say these two sentences:
"I don't know what I want?" Or "I don't know what to choose?" ”
He brought up a story like this:
A mother asked her daughter what she wanted to eat at noon, and the daughter subconsciously replied: "I don't know, whatever." ”
Mom said, "Don't be unaware, I'll take you to eat when you say it, you can do anything." ”
When the daughter heard it, she came to the spirit: "Is it really possible to do anything?" ”
Mom said, "It's all right." ”
My daughter said, "I want to eat salted crispy chicken."
Mom shook her head: "Mom has told you many times, salt crispy chicken is very oily, unhealthy, change one." ”
The daughter thought for a moment and said, "Then I want to eat pudding." ”
Mom was on fire: "Eat pudding at noon?" Didn't you tell you to have dinner at noon! ”
From this little story, we can find:
Parents consciously let their children make choices, and then subconsciously deny his decisions.
The reason why the child has no opinion is that the adult constantly denies him.
We deny the child's feelings and thoughts, criticize their thinking and choices, and gradually, the child loses confidence in his own choices and decisions, and many things are undecided.
Zhou Guoping said: "In order for a child to become an assertive person in the future, she must be encouraged not to blindly follow her parents now." ”
To cultivate children's psychological independence, children should experience their own choices and decisions in life from an early age.
When he puts forward ideas, we should not always have negative and negative feedback in our feedback, give him more positive responses, if the child is too young, we can give the child a limited choice, choose one or more, let the child have a sense of control over his life.
Don't be afraid that your child's choices are wrong and imperfect, and the detours in life are minimal in childhood.
Often say to the child: "This matter, you can decide / choose by yourself" is a kind of trust, in the trust of parents, the child will also believe in their own feelings, and slowly form their own judgment and understanding of things.
3
Cultivate academic independence
Please always say: "I see your effort/progress"
Children procrastinate and rub in learning, and rely too much on the supervision of their parents, which is a common headache for parents now.
In fact, the child does not take the initiative to learn, not completely love to procrastinate, but the child's learning confidence is destroyed.
I have seen some parents who criticize, accuse, and be impatient when tutoring their children's homework: "How do you write this word", "You have said it hundreds of times and you have done it wrong", "Your answers have been written outside the horizontal line...."
When learning, the child faces too much guidance and negative energy, and it is difficult for him to look at the homework positively.
In the end, children not only lose interest in learning, but also lose their sense of responsibility, relying too much on their parents' urging over and over again.
On the child's learning path, we must not only see the child's helplessness from the homework book and provide specific help, but also see the child's progress bit by bit, give him encouragement, and let the child regain the confidence to learn.
Among them, the most important thing for parents is to learn to "endure", to bear not to blame the child, to bear to tell the child the answer immediately, and to endure the heart of the big package.
Confidence is the beginning of a child's independence and initiative, and when he has a sense of competence in one thing, he will not always think of escaping.
The famous Russian educator Makarenko said:
Calm, conscientious, and truth-seeking guidance is the external manifestation of family education, not arbitrariness, anger, shouting, accusation, and pleading. ”
A small step forward in a child, encouraged at the right time, can cultivate a child's growth mindset and understand the true meaning of hard work for learning.
I believe that parents can have a peaceful mind and have confidence in their children, and they can help their children face problems in learning independently.
This article is reproduced in Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlzgs), written by | Qian Zhiliang, a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. Focus on special education, family education, early childhood education. He is the author of "Early Knowledge of Admission", "Early Education of Science", "140 Chinese Characters learned in a hurry", etc.