The best way to deal with children's friction is not to urge at all, but to cultivate these "three senses"

If you want to choose the things that cause parents the most headache, they will unconsciously rank in the top three.

Coming home from school without doing homework, grinding and rubbing, and letting parents urge over and over again; I don't know how to brush my teeth and wash before going to bed, but I always turn a deaf ear when I remind me repeatedly; In class, you do not pay attention to the lecture, but speak secretly, and it is useless to reprimand ...

Look at the "children of other people", although they are the same age, they arrange their lives and studies in an orderly manner, and their parents are even more angry and anxious, not knowing what they are doing wrong.

In fact, if you want to cultivate a conscious child, what parents should do is not to urge, criticize, and reprimand, but to pay attention to the cultivation of children's "three senses".

01. Increase your child's "sense of love"

The so-called sense of love, as the name implies, is to let children feel the care and love of others.

Eric Fromm wrote in The Art of Love that unconditional love is everyone's deepest desire.

In the famous "Constant Monkey Experiment", newborn monkeys are placed in a cage with two "mothers" - a wire mother with a milk bottle on her chest and a fabric mother with nothing. As a result, the child prefers not to drink milk and to stay with the fabric mother. This shows how important warm, soft love is to children.

However, parents need to pay attention to the fact that the most critical word in "care" is the word "sense", that is, children must be able to feel the love from their parents.

Too many parents do a lot for their children, take care of their children every day, and provide the best for their children by cutting back on food and clothing, but their children do not feel love.

Tian Yulan in the TV series "Xiaoshede" did her best to let her son receive the best education in order for her children to have a living, so she did not hesitate to run around and bow her head to ask for someone.

But in the heart of his son Ziyou, his mother "loves me not at all, but me with a full score." Mother's love became a heavy pressure, Ziyou not only had no joy in childhood, but finally had mental problems.

Therefore, we must let the child feel that no matter his grades, whether he performs well or badly in school, whether he does good or bad things, parents always love him as a person, not what he does.

The love of parents is not conditional.

If trees do not draw nutrients from the soil, they will wither and wither. In the process of children's growth, the family is the soil, "sense of love" is psychological nutrition, only by letting children feel full of love, can they have the confidence and motivation to continue to grow and move forward boldly.

02. Cultivate your child's "sense of competence"

After talking about "caring feeling", let's now look at "sense of ability". Many parents believe that "sense of ability" is to make their children capable, so they spend a lot of time, energy and money to force their children to improve their abilities.

In fact, the real "sense of ability" is whether the child subjectively thinks that he or she is capable. Even if a child is not capable enough at the moment, but sunny and confident, willing to try and challenge everything, and not discouraged by failure, then the child has a strong "sense of ability" and will take the initiative to work hard for his future without the supervision of others.

There is a "Pygmalion effect" in psychology, emphasizing that people will unconsciously accept the influences and hints of people they like, rely on, trust, and admire. Parents are the most important people in a child's life, and parents' evaluation and attitude towards their children are crucial to their children's development.

The movie "Call Me Number One" is based on a true story. The owner announced that Ryder had congenital Tourette's disease, which caused him to twist his neck uncontrollably and make strange noises. As a result, classmates laughed at him for bullying, teachers criticized and punished him, and even his father was disappointed in him.

Fortunately, his mother always believed that her son was a good child and had enough talent and ability to achieve his dreams. It is precisely because of his mother's encouragement and trust that although he has encountered countless setbacks and blows, he has never been discouraged or flinched, and finally dreamed of becoming a teacher and harvested sweet love.

This is the biggest meaning of "sense of ability", which can promote children to take the initiative to accept challenges and constantly upgrade themselves in independent monster fighting.

03. Give children a sense of autonomy

Adler, a famous educator, believes that the goal of education is "self-reliance", and only when children can make independent choices and independently judge their own value, can he give birth to spontaneous motivation.

Netizens Xiaoice told their stories online. Since she was a child, she has been particularly strictly controlled by her family, from who she makes friends with, to what volunteers to fill in in college, and what work to do after graduation, she must listen to her parents' arrangement.

Although many people envy her because she went to a good university, had a good job, and made a good boyfriend. But she was inexplicably depressed and didn't know what she really wanted. Although the job is not bad, but I want to change, but I don't know what to change. The boyfriend is good in all aspects, but he feels that he does not love him, but he does not know what true love is.

This is the typical "hollow heart disease", which is rooted in the lack of "sense of autonomy" in the process of growing up. From childhood to adulthood, her inner thoughts and needs were not taken seriously, and when she grew up, she did not know what she really wanted. If you don't even have a goal in life, how can you have the motivation to move forward consciously, and you are bound to become hesitant and dazed in internal friction.

There are thousands of kinds of love in the world, only the love of parents points to separation. If parents want to cultivate an independent and self-conscious child, they must learn to let go and give their children enough "sense of autonomy".

epilogue

If a tree wants to grow into a big tree, the key is to have a deep root system; If a house is to be built as a high-rise building, the foundation must be solid. In the same way, if a child wants to achieve something and want to have the motivation to travel for a lifetime, his internal needs must be fully met.

"Sense of care" gives children the confidence to move forward boldly, "sense of ability" gives them the confidence to fight, and "sense of autonomy" gives them the goal of sailing away. Only by giving children these three senses can we cultivate conscious children.

As educator Edward Desi said, "When a person feels capable of accomplishing something, and the willingness to do it comes from the heart and is supported, he is more willing to act." ”