This is the 2295th article of modern parenting
This article comes from the public account: Qian Zhiliang Studio
ID: qzlgzs
A friend talked about an interesting story with his high school son:
Influenced by his classmates last semester, his son began to learn to smoke, and a group of children often avoided the teacher to go to the toilet to smoke collectively.
The paper wrapper can't hold the fire. Finally, one day, he was found by the class teacher and called the parents to the school.
That night, the friend said something harsh about his son, repeatedly stressed to the child how bad it is to smoke, and asked the child to promise himself that he would never touch the cigarette again.
Unexpectedly, the childish calm came to a sentence: "You yourself smoke every day!" Why can't I? What you can't do, why do you ask me! ”
The friend froze, and at that moment he could not say anything else to persuade his son. After a long time, the friend said to the child, "Okay! I don't smoke anymore! I can do it, and so can you! ”
For this sentence, the friend spent several months quit smoking addiction for many years. Even his son felt incredible: "Daddy, you are too fierce!" ”
The friend was very proud, but since then, the child has really never touched a cigarette again.
In family education, we always put words and deeds on our lips, but in practical operation, we find that in educating children, many times words are useless, the key lies in teaching by example.
It is more important to grow up with children than to preach bitterly.
1
Many years ago, there was a particularly classic public service advertisement:
A mother was telling a story to her son, and after telling it, the mother went to wash the feet of the child's grandmother. When she returned to the room, she found that her son was missing, and when she looked back, she was holding a basin full of water and saying in a childish voice, "Mother washed her feet."
In contrast, there is another story:
There are three generations in a family. One day, the father said to his son, "Your grandfather is old and infirm, and it is useless to live in the world. ”
In the middle of the night, the father and son carried the old man to the creek with a basket, and when they were about to throw it down, the son said, "Daddy, we just need to throw people away, so why lose this basket?" ”
The father said angrily, "No one wants it, so what do you want this broken basket for?" ”
The son said, "If we throw this basket, what will my son and I use to carry you here?" ”
The father listened to his son's words and woke up like a dream.
In the past, when I read these small stories, I felt most deeply that people should be filial piety. Looking back now, we can see how much the words and deeds of parents affect their children.
Throughout the formative years of children, what they do best is observation. Observe the way adults behave in the world, the attitude towards people and things, the tone of speech... And internalize what you observe into your own behavior.
Almost all the good and bad things in children can be found in the parents.
A fan friend once left a message:
The child's summer vacation homework is small, I set a reading plan for her, but after reading for a few days, the child is not happy, so I showed the child his daily reading plan and told her: My mother is also reading every day and is also learning.
I didn't expect this sentence to be quite useful, the child's resistance psychology is much lighter, and even "compared" with me: "Mom, how many books have you read?" I read three! ”
You see, in front of children, doing is always more important than saying.
Good parents almost always strive to live like their children admire and identify with them.
2
There was an old friend who had always regarded his mother as a mentor in his life.
His mother had never read, could not read, and suffered countless hardships in her youth.
However, in that era of material scarcity, the days were tight, but the mother could live a tasteful life: she could take inconspicuous ingredients and make food that the family liked; she could take a few pieces of coarse cloth and make clothes for the family; she could take the wood and bamboo she had picked up and make simple toys for the children...
His mother never complained about life, but told him personally:
There is no obstacle in life that cannot be crossed.
Your attitude towards life determines what kind of life you live.
Later, when his mother passed away, his old friend often thought of his mother. In many difficult moments in life, as long as he remembers the way his mother treats life, he can miraculously persevere.
Parents for children, the methods and skills of education are only the tip of the iceberg, and the way parents face life is the nourishment for children's growth.
Parents' attitude towards life, whether it is positive or negative, whether it is hard work or slackness, whether it is full of love or full of complaints, all deeply affect the growth of children.
3
There is a problem on Zhihu: Parents require children to be motivated, so is it wrong for children to ask their parents to be motivated?
Absolutely.
It's just that we parents often pin all our family hopes on our children, and our requirements for ourselves are very low.
Cai Kangyong has a passage in "Strange Story":
My life is rotten, but what right do I have to pass the buck to the next generation?
Children have their own life path to go, parents can do very little, instead of pinning all their hopes on children, it is better to put energy back on themselves, and strive to live their own every day, rather than simply pushing the responsibility to the next generation.
A long time ago, I saw a hot search on Weibo, a 55-year-old mother accompanied her daughter to graduate school, but she was admitted to a graduate school at a university first.
My mother, who only had a high school education, later passed correspondence and self-examination and obtained a university undergraduate diploma. Now, after three years of hard work, I have become a master's degree graduate.
She has proved with her own practice that learning is never time and age limit, and has become the best role model for children.
I think of a saying that is widely circulated on the Internet: the king of educating children is to persistently cultivate yourself.
Indeed it is. Educating children is never the effort of children alone, but the growth of parents and children for two generations.
I saw a survey of U.S.-China and Japanese children on the Internet, and the theme was: Who is the idol of the child?
Japanese and American children write either fathers or mothers, while Chinese children mostly write their favorite stars and singers.
This is a very ironic thing.
Many parents in China are committed to being their children's cash machines, nannies, coaches... Only to forget to be an idol and role model for children.
In fact, education is without him, but only as an example.
Parents are a mirror of the child, you change, the child can really change.
This article is reproduced in Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlzgs), written by | Qian Zhiliang, a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. Focus on special education, family education, early childhood education. He is the author of "Early Knowledge of Admission", "Early Education of Science", "140 Chinese Characters learned in a hurry", etc.