Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
We all hope to cultivate a high emotional intelligence child, good at controlling and regulating their emotions, not throwing tantrums, mental health optimism; understanding the feelings of others, strong language expression ability, wherever welcome.
However, children with high emotional intelligence are never self-taught, and are closely related to their parents' personalities and education styles.
The famous psychologist Daniel Gorman wrote in his book Emotional Intelligence:
"Family life is our first school to learn about emotions."
In real life, many parents are using "low emotional intelligence education" to make their children worse and worse.
01
"Low EQ Education" Performance 1:
Yelling and emotional communication
After becoming a parent, yelling and throwing tantrums at children is already a common scene.
When tutoring homework, the child's reaction is too slow, always making mistakes, and parents lose patience: "How is it so stupid!" How many times have you taught it? ”
When the child sprinkles water everywhere and causes trouble for himself: "I know that I am in trouble all day long!" Exhaust me and you'll stop!" ”
When the child disobeys or disobeys: "If you disobey again, I will throw you out!" ”
When the child's exam was broken and his performance was not good: "Too undisputed, is it not shameful to lose such a point in the exam?" “
Have you ever found that we always discipline our children in a way that vents our emotions, and replace communication with critical yelling.
Humiliation, threats, orders, these words with fierce emotions, may be able to make children obedient in a short period of time, but in the long run, it will not solve the fundamental problem, and the consequences are endless.
Parents' bad emotions are the "horror films" in the eyes of children, from which they feel their parents' denial and dissatisfaction with themselves, and their hearts are full of fear and uneasiness, which will also affect the parent-child relationship in the long run.
Parents speak with emotions, which will attract their children's attention to emotions, covering up the content that really needs children to learn, and the educational effect is greatly reduced.
In this mode of communication, children will also learn from each other, become emotional, and lose their temper, which is not conducive to the development of emotional intelligence.
The famous Russian educator Makarenko said:
"Calm, conscientious, and truth-seeking guidance is the external manifestation of family education, not arbitrariness, anger, shouting, accusation, and pleading."
The growth of children is a process from ignorance to maturity, from not being proficient, requiring continuous learning and practice, and it is normal to make mistakes and perform poorly in the middle.
If parents see these "bad moments" as their children learning and improving, rather than deliberately causing trouble for themselves, they will not be so easy to get angry and have more tolerance and patience with their children.
I once watched a video:
A little girl of six or seven years old, with a glass of Coke, came to her father. Probably because the ground was too slippery, the girl accidentally fell, coke spilled all over the ground, and the clothes were dirty.
The girl didn't cry or complain about the slippery ground, just sighed "Oh! Oh, my God! "Just climbed up.
The father on the side was not surprised, nor scolded, and calmly asked his daughter:
"What should I do first after wrestling?"
The girl answered in a loud voice:
"Change clothes, change pants, wash your hands, mop the floor first, then drink Coke, and blow your hair."
This is the power of gentleness, there is no anger and reprimand, some are the trust and inspiration of parents to their children, such communication can help parents to enter the child's heart, and let the child grow better.
Talk to the child well, patiently guide the child, instead of emotional tantrums, you teach the child the truth and method, he will absorb better.
Talk to your child well, and your child will be good at communicating, forming a gentle and friendly personality, and harvesting good interpersonal relationships.
02
"Low EQ Education" Performance II:
Neglect of children's feelings and emotions, lack of emotional interaction
Many parents raise their children, focusing on meeting their children's material needs, taking care of him to eat and wear, and letting him receive a good education, but they lack attention to their children's feelings and emotions, let alone emotional communication.
Common manifestations are:
Do not consider the child's feelings, chatter and reason, randomly criticize and scold the child;
Ignoring and denying the child's emotions: "It's really useless! What's there to cry about this little thing? "You put your face on it again, do I owe you?"
Do not know how to think about the reasons behind the child's behavior, only for the superficial phenomenon to discipline the child;
Replace the child with his own feelings and thoughts: the child says that he is not cold, but also let him add clothes; the child does not want to eat apples, but must force the child to eat...
The result is that the parents' education is ineffective for the child, the child is disobedient, rebellious, refuses to communicate with the parents, the parent-child relationship is estranged, and even goes to opposition.
Moreover, due to the lack of emotional education, children have insufficient cognition of emotions, do not know how to deal with emotions, and are prone to psychological problems.
In the book "The Awakening of Parents 2", it is written:
"As we embark on the journey of parenting, we need to understand the importance of connecting with our children's feelings.
This means that we need to respect their emotions, consider their needs, and create a free space for them to express their true feelings, avoiding dictatorship and control.
The first thing to understand is that emotions affect all of a person's behavior.
As we have already seen, behavior is an outward expression of emotion. Therefore, if we want to see changes in our children's behavior, we need to understand their emotions first. ”
Parents always feel that the child's feelings are not important, what do children know?
In fact, it is not, what seems insignificant to adults is a big thing for children. Children's feelings and emotions affect their behavior and mental health.
Parents respect and understand their children's feelings and emotions, and allow children to express and vent their emotions, which will make children feel that they are accepted and seen, and that they are full of security and self-worth.
Parents usually talk about emotions with their children, guide children to vent and express emotions correctly, and children will have a deeper understanding of emotions and learn to actively adjust so that negative emotions will not affect their physical and mental health.
Therefore, in the process of daily child-rearing, parents should pay more attention to their children's feelings and emotions, deal with emotions first, and then deal with problems.
Pay attention to children's feelings, parents will consider the impact of their words and deeds on their children before speaking and doing things, so as to avoid the harm of simple and rough education to children.
Accepting a child's emotions does not mean condoning a child's behavior. Instead, let the child understand: I see and understand your feelings, but inappropriate behavior must be regulated.
Like what:
"I know, you're angry not to let you watch cartoons, aren't you?" But we said well, we can only watch one episode a day, and we must abide by the agreement. If you want to cry, I'll always be with you. ”
This kind of education is to pass on love and rules to children at the same time.
When parents respect and understand their children's feelings and emotions, and communicate emotionally with their children, it will greatly close the parent-child relationship, promote mutual understanding and trust, and is more conducive to children's conscious improvement of behavior.
03
"Low EQ Education" performance three:
Poor emotional management skills, irritability, and negativity
I once saw a news story: a young couple had an argument at the airport and threw their 2-year-old child in the terminal building. Dad flew away, Mom drove away. When the police found the child, the child's face was crying.
From a very young age, a child can sensitively capture the emotions of his parents, affecting his cognition, thinking patterns and mental health.
Parents exposing too many negative emotions in front of their children will cause children to be sensitive, inferior, do not know how to deal with emotions, affect interpersonal relationships, and their self-consciousness and concentration will also become worse.
If the parents are irritable, often lose their temper, and quarrel between husband and wife continuously, the child will feel nervous, the pressure level will rise, the insecurity will be insecure, and the probability will become a hot-tempered person.
Parents are pessimistic and negative, anxious and restless, often complaining, and children are prone to low mood, negative thinking, loss of hope for life, and timid and cowardly personality.
Educating children is inseparable from the growth of parents themselves, and can first start from managing emotions.
Many parents are prone to lose patience and irritability when facing their children, precisely because there are too many emotions accumulated in their hearts and they are not dealt with correctly in time.
Only when the parents' inner emotions are calm, can they catch the child's emotions.
This is a long-term practice that requires parents to learn, reflect, and have inner dialogues, from the experience of the original family to learning to perceive emotions, think about the source of emotions, and solve practical problems.
As Cai Kangyong said:
"High emotional intelligence does not mean not losing temper, but to lose your temper reasonably, so that your emotions can be expressed smoothly, and you can be comfortable with yourself, so that you and the world can be happy."
In the mood swings, learn to use the appropriate way to relieve, and improve their language skills, to set a good example for children.
It is true that parents will inevitably have times when their emotions are out of control in front of their children, and do not blame themselves too much, communicate with their children in time, comfort their children, and try to minimize the harm to their children.
For example, the mother has not been happy at work recently, seeing the mess at home, can't help but send a fire, complain a few words, if you did not control the emotions at that time, you can wait for yourself to calm down, and communicate with the child well:
"Mom has been working a little stressfully lately, in a bad mood, just couldn't help but lose her temper, I hope it doesn't affect you."
Such sincere communication will not only bring the parent-child relationship closer, but also let the child understand that it is not their fault that the parents' emotions are out of control, and everyone is responsible for their emotions.
Pay attention to the above three points, be more tolerant and patient, and talk well with your child; learn to respect and understand your child's feelings and emotions; manage your emotions well, you can also become a parent with high emotional intelligence and cultivate your child to be more excellent.
At the end of the article, click "In the watch", and encourage you!
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This article | edited