Li Meijin: Raising boys, standing up before the age of 12, showing weakness after the age of 12

Educating children requires a kind of strength.

Parents need to adapt to the feelings and rhythms of their children's growth and discipline them at the right time.

Author | Maple

Wang Lin, a family education consultant, shared a case.

The 13-year-old boy, mischievous and disobedient, is a headache.

Father Mr. Li believes that educating boys cannot be soft-hearted, so he scolds his son every time.

On this day, when his son was writing homework, he secretly went online to play games, and after Mr. Li found out, he directly smashed his mobile phone and slapped his son.

Unexpectedly, this time, the son actually raised his hand to "salute" him.

Mr. Li was shocked.

He didn't understand why the neighbor's 10-year-old boy, when his father drank loudly, immediately knew that he had corrected his mistake.

And he beat and scolded, but the son became more and more rebellious.

Wang Lin hit the nail on the head and pointed out: It's late.

When his son was young, Mr. Li was busy with work and neglected discipline.

Now that his son has entered adolescence and has a strong sense of self-esteem, he still thinks of using authority to suppress, which is often counterproductive.

Remembering Professor Li Meijin's advice to parents:

Children should be disciplined as early as possible, this is Liwei. After the age of 12, the way of communication is changed to show weakness.

Boys are wild in nature, not strictly controlled, and it is easy to breed all kinds of vices.

Blindly strict management can easily cause them to resist.

Therefore, the best parenting must be divided into age groups and educational means.

Discipline your children as soon as possible

There is an 8-year-old boy in "Super Parent" who has a very bad temper, yells at every turn, and likes to hit people.

But his mother indulged him in every way.

Gradually, the son did not pay attention to his mother more and more.

When he was in a bad mood, he took pleasure in beating his mother.

As soon as his mother said anything about him, he became angry and grabbed, pinched, hammered, kicked, beaten, and even hit her with a stick.

The mother's neck, back, and hands were full of children's scratches, and she cried in pain, but there was still no word of reproach.

It is always a step by step, begging for mercy one after another.

Mom said: "Before I cried, he would feel sorry for me, now I cry, he is also indifferent." ”

"I love him very much, I just don't know why, he just likes to hit me."

Studies have shown that the effects of testosterone within the receptor, when many boys are young, tend to exhibit destructive and aggressive behavior.

Parents do not teach or not, let it develop, and it is only a matter of time before children climb on their parents' heads to make a blessing.

Professor Qian Wenzhong of Fudan University once warned parents: "After all, children are not adults, they must be disciplined and disciplined." ”

In the field of education, children aged 3-12 are called the "cement period", which is the period when children are most malleable, and it is also a key period for character formation and habit formation.

If you want to raise a well-bred boy who knows the rules, parents must strictly discipline before the age of 12, so that the boy has a sense of awe and stops behaving.

1. The child plays tricks and says "no"

Many studies have shown that many of the conditions that children put forward to their parents after the age of 3 are "tentative".

That is, the conditions he put forward are sometimes not what he really wants, but just to test the bottom line of his parents.

At this time, parents must learn to firmly refuse unreasonable demands, even if he is throwing and crying.

Without compromise and accommodation, children can know the proportions of doing things and will no longer rely on emotional expression to solve problems.

2. Children have no rules and say "no"

Many parents are accustomed to their children, regard unruliness as lively and cute, and unreasonable as independent.

But I don't know that if you rob other people's toys from a 3-year-old person, he will become more and more unscrupulous at the age of 5.

You are used to 7-year-old swearing and cursing, and 9-year-old him will only become more and more invisible.

After that, 11, 14, 18...

He will only become more and more unscrupulous and disregard the rules.

Parents can indulge him, but others will not be allowed to him, and society will not get used to him.

Let children know that awe and abide by the rules is the best protection for children.

3. Children have bad habits and say "no"

Mr. Ye Shengtao, an educator, said: The essence of education is to cultivate habits.

Children are not used to it, and they must not get used to it.

For example: selfish laziness, love to play games, addicted to mobile phones, procrastination...

These bad habits must be nipped in the bud while the child is still young.

Quitting bad habits early can lead to good habits.

After the age of 12, parents should show more weakness

After boys enter puberty, many mothers have a personal experience:

The previous method of education did not work.

They are like a "bomb that can detonate at any moment", bumping into their parents without saying a word, yelling, and even running away from home.

This is because, at this stage, parents are no longer gods in the child's world, but the authority that needs to be overthrown when the child moves towards independence.

All their tossing, rebellion, and irritability are actually trying to defeat their parents and fight for their autonomy.

At this time, if parents do not change their strategy and want to compete with boys, it is often themselves who lose.

I once saw a netizen's sharing.

A 15-year-old boy in the rebellious period of adolescence.

Not only did he dye his flowery green hair and hit studs in his ears, but he often skipped class to play in Internet cafes.

For this reason, the father did not beat him less, and the father and son were very stiff for a while.

One night, while his parents were asleep, he sneaked out of the house and went to an Internet café with a few classmates.

It wasn't until 5 a.m. that he got up to buy a drink when he suddenly saw his father hovering in front of the Internet café.

At that time, his father did not scold him or make a sharp accusation, but took him to breakfast and stuffed him with some money.

Only then did he know that after his father got up at night and found that he was not at home, he immediately went out to look for an Internet café one Internet café after another.

At 3 a.m., my father saw him in this Internet café, and wanted to rush directly to take him away, but he was afraid of doing so, and he couldn't get off the stage in front of his friends, so he chose to guard the door.

My father said: "I know, it was me and my mother who were sorry for you and didn't accompany you well in order to earn money, but you are still young, and the people in places like Internet cafes are complicated, and I am really worried about your safety." ”

He was so touched that he not only stopped skipping classes, quit gaming, but also worked hard, and finally got admitted to an undergraduate university.

The boy said: "My father has lowered his stature so much, it will be too boring for me to compete with him." ”

Boys who accompany adolescence are more powerful than tough coercion.

Of course, showing weakness is not weakness and bottomlessness, but an education method premised on respect, which is a kind of nurturing wisdom that overcomes rigidity with softness.

1. Replace the tone of the command with an inquiry

No one likes to be coerced, especially adolescent boys.

Give the choice back to the child and put forward the opinion in a consultative tone.

Children who feel respected will naturally slowly put away the thorns on their bodies and slowly lean towards you.

2. Replace parents with friends

Put down the parents' shelf, less high-flying preaching, and more "I understand you" empathy.

Only when the parent-child relationship is built on equality can children be willing to open their hearts, communicate with you, and be close.

3. Replace strong education with letting go

Give the child full trust, do not be the child's supervisor, but be the child's helper.

Let the child, as an independent individual, learn to be self-responsible, so that he can grow up as soon as possible.

The best education:

Give him needles as a child, give him wings when he grows up

In pedagogy, there is a "law of funnels", which says:

When the child is young, parents strictly control the child, which can lay a good foundation for the child's life and let the child form good behavior habits.

And as the child grows up, parents learn to let go, so that the child can learn to bear it himself, and eventually become a person with independent thinking and personality.

This kind of "first tighten and then loose" education can make children's life path broader and broader.

Parenting expert Jin Yunrong, the education of her son is like this.

When my son was young, he knew how to "prick him": teach him to abide by the rules, develop a good character and good habits.

Once, when his son was throwing greens on the table, the old public horse took him out for 20 minutes to "discipline" him before returning to the table.

When the son is older, he gives wings: the parents take the initiative to show weakness and withdraw, guiding the son to growth.

My son came back from vacation when he was 15 years old and said to her: I have kissed 6 girls.

Teacher Jin was so frightened that he almost fell off the stool.

But she did not criticize, did not preach, but chose "parent-child dialogue" to make her thoughts and worries clear to her son.

The son also told her: "Don't worry, I know, I'm not a fool, the teacher said, we are still young, we can't be responsible." ”

Many people question Teacher Jin's discipline style, how can he be so permissive?

Teacher Jin said: "We chose a way to make ourselves lonely, but let go of our children to grow up to love him, and he, because his heart is full of the love and trust of his parents, spread his wings and became such an excellent young man today." ”

In fact, children who have been strictly disciplined since childhood, when they grow up, they can use the good character they developed at a young age to restrain themselves, and it is worth parents to "let go".

Her son, who went to England alone to study at the age of 10;

In the third year of junior high school, he began to use his spare time to work, and when he graduated from high school, he used his part-time work savings to realize his dream of traveling to Europe;

In college, he worked his way from waiter to chief bartender;

As a graduate student, he became one of the British Prime Minister's press observers;

At the age of 25, he has already founded two companies.

The strict control of boys as children has achieved the wings they fly when they grow up.

Therefore, take care of the child as soon as possible, and let go if you love the child.

There is a saying that makes a lot of sense:

Educating children requires a kind of strength, to conform to the child's feelings and rhythm, the wrong direction and way of education, the child will knock you away.

Visionary parents know how to manage when it is time to be strict and lay a good foundation for their children's lives.

Be willing to let go when it's time to let go, so that children can learn to spread their wings and fly high.

Give it a thumbs up and encourage parents.