Media: "Partner" magazine, February 2022, Issue 513, P54 "Marriage Clinic"
Experts in this issue: Xu Wenjiao, psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor, sand game consultant.
Ms. Fang Consulting:
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and my son is 6 years old. Since our children started kindergarten, we have often argued about how to discipline our children. The husband wants the child to be independent and optimistic, strong and brave, does not like the child to cry, is more strict with the child, and reprimands the child at every turn.
I think he treats the child very badly, doesn't care too much about the child's feelings, and is always so strong and rough. I couldn't accept it, and my children couldn't accept it, always hiding from their father.
Now, the atmosphere in our family is very depressing, I dare not tell my husband about the bad things about the child, what should I do?
Guangzhou heard that psychological counselor Xu Wenjiao answered
In terms of raising children, even if this moment is the same at this point, that moment may be inconsistent at that point, and it is normal to have differences and differences.
The more we accept this difference and conflict, the more we can respond reasonably and avoid triggering salvation – transforming and attacking our partner.
Every parent is autonomous and creative when it comes to raising their children. The more you believe that the other person is a good parent, the more it stimulates their autonomy and creativity as parents; The more you let go and let the other person play their role as a parent, the better you can be a good parent. In the end, it is not only the husband and wife themselves, but also the children.
What is the "Parental Function"? That is, in a healthy marriage, parents play their part and play their role as responsible fathers and responsible mothers.
Responsible fathers need to:
1. Provision function: can earn money to support the family while also having time to accompany his wife and children;
2. Protective function: it can protect wives and children from natural and man-made disasters;
3. Discipline function: be able to set family rules and maintain family structure;
4. Preaching function: can transmit the meaning and value of children's lives;
5. Victory function: The father must be stronger than other men, that is, the father must be a powerful man.
Compared with the mother and the father, the mother is better at emotional empathy and support, so the understanding and expression of the child's emotional part requires the participation of the mother.
Responsible mothers need to:
1. Careful care allows children to gain a sense of security and existence.
2. Positive emotional response. Children's emotions are seen and understood, and help children learn to understand and adjust their emotions;
3. Mirror function. The mother plays the role of a mirror for the child's self-identity, and responds to the child in a timely and appropriate manner, so that the child can recognize himself more clearly and form a good self-identity; If the mother's response is negative, distorted, or confused, it will affect the development of the child's self-perception level.
4. Good coordination ability in family relationships. The mother's ability to deal with family relationships affects the formation of children's internal relationship patterns.
Of course, with the development of the times and the differences in the personalities of husband and wife, the phenomenon of strong women and weak men, strong men and weak women, and strong men and women may exist, and the combination of husband and wife alliances has become diversified, and the functions of father and mother will also undergo some changes.
As long as both parties can accept this model, cooperate well, respect rather than deny, support rather than fight, and create a stable and flexible husband and wife alliance, children can grow up physically and mentally.
Ms. Fang may wish to clarify their respective roles and functions according to their and her husband's personality characteristics, educational concepts and expectations for children.
Second, strengthen the alliance between husband and wife.
The relationship between husband and wife comes first, and positive interpretation of each other's education. When one party has a conflict with the child, the other party needs to play a role of balance and control to avoid the emotional intensification of both parties to the conflict, but balance is not equal to peace.
For example, if a father criticizes his son too angrily and violently, the mother can gently intervene and say to the son, "Look, you made daddy angry." Okay, dad dissipates first. Mom said two words to you. ”
Then, pull the child aside or other room and understand and reassure the child "It's sad to be criticized by daddy, right?" Mom understands. But Dad scolded you just now because you really did something wrong, Dad wants you to be brave and take on it and actively correct it, right? When Dad subsides, let's go talk to Dad and apologize again. Dad will forgive you. ”
By the way, help your child calm down a bit. In the dead of night, the mother calmly communicates and negotiates with the husband about his emotional control or misuse of words, so as to avoid making the husband feel accused or the wife is overly spoiling and protecting her son.
In addition, according to the development needs of children at different stages, timely adjustment of parenting methods.
After the age of 3, promote the closeness and identification of children with their fathers and avoid excessive intimacy with their mothers, which is more helpful for boys' personality and psychosexual development.
Xu Wenjiao
・Listen about it Counseling Center - Senior Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation
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