Media: "Partner" magazine, November 2021, No. 510 "Marriage Clinic"
Experts in this issue: Senior psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor - Tan Suyi
Ms. Fang Consulting:
My husband and I got married after two years of love, and I didn't expect that after just over a year, the marital status made us very uncomfortable. In the beginning, we were still very sweet, but within half a year there were many conflicts, and the two sides often quarreled over some trivial things.
Neither of us had left our parents to live alone before, and we were both used to having family members to take care of daily chores. Therefore, after marriage, we all expect each other to take care of themselves as meticulously as they did when they were in love. Unexpectedly, such illusions were soon shattered.
We are all busy with work, and we all hope to feel warm and relaxed when we come home from work. But in fact, the atmosphere at home is very tense.
For example, after entering the door, as soon as I lay on the sofa and looked at my mobile phone, my husband would complain that I did not cook or do housework; And when I see my husband immersed in the game, I also complain that he never cares about the family... Every time you can't help but open your mouth, it will lead to a bad "war".
Sometimes think about it calmly, don't know why our relationship is the way it is, and resolve to calm down and communicate well the next time you encounter a problem.
But whenever those moments come, we lose control of our emotions, we don't feel that we are at fault, and we hope that the other party can let us. Can we live such a day full of contradictions? How to adjust it?
Guangzhou heard that Senior Counselor Tan Suyi, senior counselor of the Psychological Counseling Center, explained:
When you enjoy the romantic comfort of love and the freshness and sweetness of the early stage of marriage, the trivial matters of life and family responsibilities need to be faced and dealt with by husband and wife, but the change in role from being taken care of to caregiver has created an adaptation barrier for both of you.
◎ On the surface, it seems that two adults who have become independent families are still dependent on children who need to be cared for.
Therefore, couples increasingly see each other more and more in common life, and the gap with the ideal partner image begins to widen, especially when they find that their needs are always not met, which will produce dissatisfaction, disappointment and anger towards their partner.
These negative emotions often unconsciously lead the discussion of the incident to the accusation and attack of the other party, so that the difference of opinion becomes an emotional outburst rather than the resolution of the incident.
◎ In intimate relationships, we present our truest and most desired inner needs and expect to be seen and satisfied, which is understandable, because this is the safest, most stable, and close relationship in our hearts.
However, when one party wants to be loved and is dissatisfied and complains when he can't, does the other party's response be to accept it gladly, self-reflect, or experience denial and be exposed? Especially when each other in the relationship "wooes" in this way, not only does not receive love, but the relationship is more and more damaged.
So, how do you get satisfied? At the same time, do you also need to think about what makes you stubbornly get satisfaction from others? Is it that you are not strong enough, not enough ability, and cannot take better care of yourself? Or do you just want to take and enjoy but are not willing to bear and give? Or is it something else?
◎ When husband and wife can clearly sort out their true thoughts and accept the true state of themselves and each other, they can express and present themselves in a healthier and more mature way, so that their partners are willing to see, value and satisfy you.
At the same time, you need to grow up in such a positive interaction, become an independent head of the family, and thus realize the transformation of life roles.
For example, when you come home from work and want to play with your phone for a while and your husband is complaining, you first jump out of the emotions he accuses and think about the reason behind your husband's emotions - maybe he thinks it's time for dinner and misunderstands that I don't plan to cook.
Therefore, you can express peacefully with him: "Honey, I just came back from work, a little tired, want to sit for a while and then cook, you are also tired, accompany me to rest for a while?" ”
When the other person is clear about your thoughts, understands your feelings, and is willing to meet each other's needs, the quarrel will not occur.
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Psychosexual counselor
· Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation