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Sholokhov's The Quiet Don: "Don't spit into the well, maybe you'll come and drink the water from the well." ”
Spitting into the well and then having to drink water from the well is at best physically uncomfortable. And the exit hurts people, and then has to ask for peace, admit mistakes, apologize, will be uncomfortable, will be embarrassed, will be ashamed, will be cowardly.
The latter situation is very common in reality: if there is a conflict between parents and children, the children only need to go back to eat silently and even if they are reconciled, or if the parents directly call you to eat, even if they are reconciled, they will not feel uncomfortable; and if it is other relationships, there will be psychological obstacles, after all, people are face-loving animals, not like puppies wagging their tails.
Many times, we need to overcome this psychological obstacle. If you are the first to hurt people, if you are creating a contradiction, the bell must also be tied to the bell, and you must take the initiative to seek peace.
In fact, this kind of problem is not so complicated, as long as it does not cause irreparable mistakes, cheekily admit mistakes and apologize. As long as the other party is not an unreasonable person, seeing that your posture is lowered, it will be reconciled with you as before, and your relationship will even become better than before.
The following reader's experience from marriage to divorce to remarriage, which covers the above kind of questions, let's listen to her story together.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
Any marriage, whether it is good or bad, as long as you experience it with your heart, you can feel a lot from it.
In my opinion, marriage is not as complicated as others say. As long as every character in the marriage has a good heart and a good management, they will be happy.
Although my marriage has experienced divorce, it is not that there is a problem with the marriage itself, nor is there a problem with the role involved in the marriage, but that there is a problem with the management method and mentality.
To be honest, who doesn't want to do it once and for all? Who doesn't want to just try to enjoy? But this is not realistic for many people. Since this unrealistic road is not feasible, we should find a more realistic way.
The process of groping is the process of each character running into each other. In this process, the most taboo is the impetuousness of the heart.
I was very impetuous at that time, and I felt that there were endless things to do every day, in addition to our small family, but also to help my in-laws to do things. Even when my mother-in-law was sick and hospitalized, I had to take care of it.
I was so tired and disappointed in my beautiful expectations of marriage that my thoughts became more and more extreme, feeling that I was not marrying someone, but helping the poor, serving my in-laws like a nanny.
After this thought took over my mind, I felt like I was in a trance, and my temper became very grumpy. Finally, one day, my husband annoyed me because he said a wrong sentence, and I threw a tantrum at him and threatened to divorce: "I am married, not a poverty alleviation, and I don't want to be a nanny to serve my in-laws!" ”
His mood that day was not good, he was scolded by the boss in the company during the day, and when he returned home, he was scolded by me, and the result was not stretched, and the broken can was broken and said to me: "Then you roll!" Divorce is divorce! ”
In that state of "needle tip to Mai Mang", we do not give in to each other and have been arguing. I didn't sleep at night, and he couldn't live in peace, so I went to register for divorce early the next morning, and agreed to shoot and scatter when the cooling off period expired, and then we went back to our respective homes.
I didn't go back to my mother's house because I was afraid my parents would persuade me not to divorce. I went to my friends, didn't mention the divorce to them, just played with them, and felt that the sisters were talking and laughing together, which was what life should be, and every day was like a vacation.
For the first five days, I didn't waver and still decided to divorce. But from the sixth day, I was shaken. Not because I felt lonely after my girlfriends came home, but because I calmed down, relaxed, no longer impetuous, and was able to look at problems objectively.
Looking back on my life after I got married, I found that my in-laws were not bad for me, and the things I helped them to do were all small things that raised their hands, the only big thing was to take care of my mother-in-law, I think this is nothing, I as a daughter-in-law, I should take care of her when she is sick.
Thinking about this, I began to regret it, I began to feel guilty, and I felt too impulsive. It's not that there's something wrong with the marriage, it's not that my in-laws are not good for me, it's that I'm too tired and too much of a heart, and what I should do is give myself a vacation like now, instead of exporting hurt people and then divorcing.
I just relaxed my mind, and then I started to scratch my heart again, and I felt that it was difficult for me to ride a tiger. I have registered for divorce, and I have said so many ugly things before, if I suddenly say that I don't want to divorce, will my husband agree? Can I pull my face down?
Seeing that the day of the end of the cooling-off period was getting closer and closer, I decided to go home and show my husband what I thought. But then I thought that this was not appropriate, or it was better to go to my mother-in-law for consultation first.
I bought a gift to visit my mother-in-law, explained the situation to her, and asked her if she could help persuade my husband.
She cheerfully agreed: "You can rest assured! As long as I'm here, he doesn't dare divorce you! ”
Without further ado, she immediately called my husband over, directly pointed out that she would not let us divorce, and said a lot of good things for me: "Our family is too busy to have a chance to stop and communicate well." In the future, it is necessary to adjust and be busy, but the feelings of communication cannot be ignored. She turned to me alone and said, "If you feel tired and bored one day, you can tell me, you can also give yourself a vacation, take a good rest, people are most likely to think wildly when they are not resting well." Don't be embarrassed, there is nothing to be embarrassed about between the family. ”
After that, we made adjustments according to the requirements of our mother-in-law, and there was no longer the same problem as before. Feel it with your heart, feel that this kind of marriage is particularly good, feel that I am very happy. I don't know what other people's marriages are, but after all these things, I don't think marriage seems to be that complicated.
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
Marriage is simple, complex is people.
If a person's mind is not right, he will always think of others very badly, he will not be able to get along with anyone, and he will not be happy to marry anyone.
And if a person has a good heart and meets good people, as long as he manages the law, he will be happy.
This is the case with the woman's marriage, and looking at the people she has told, we cannot see who is wrong, nor can we see any irreconcilable problems.
In this case, the emphasis is on business. The way and mindset of running a marriage is important, including the state of each character.
As she herself analyzed, she was purely tired during that time, or she had not adapted to those things for the first time, which was inconsistent with her own playful expectations, so she would think wrong and do impulsive things.
I had a similar experience, when I was in elementary school, one year during the summer vacation, my dad had a small operation, and the rest of the family was too busy, so he asked me to stay in the hospital to take care of my dad. There are not many things to worry about, nothing more than buying breakfast and dinner, going out to the street to buy it, and other things to fan my dad when he feels hot. At that age, I was more playful, and when I thought that other friends were playing, I couldn't sit still and had to gamble to go home. After my mom scolded me, she let me go, and then I went to play. Playing is playing, but I have worries, feel guilty, and feel as if I am too ignorant, so I take the initiative to go back to take care of my father.
As a person, you should have such an awareness, realize that you are wrong, realize that you have done something wrong because of impulse, you should admit your mistake, you should make amends, otherwise even if others do not hold you responsible, you yourself will have a disturbed conscience.
Marriage problems and other problems in life have similarities, and it is not difficult for people who can feel life with their hearts to learn the skills of running marriage. The most important thing is to have good intentions and not to be impetuous, so that the problem is just a problem, and it is not so difficult to solve.