About the author: Xu Chuan, senior marriage emotional counselor and family psychotherapist
Question: Hello Teacher Xu Chuan, I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years, I love him very much, in this relationship I almost lost myself because I loved him, but he did not give me the response I wanted, on the contrary, he did not seem to cherish me.
Whatever I say and do will first consider his feelings; and as long as he is angry, he will say something hurtful and say something; every time I make a fuss, he will make a cold war with me, and as long as I don't bow my head and admit my mistakes, he will never pay attention to me.
Up to now, I really feel that this relationship makes me physically and mentally exhausted, but I just love him very much and can't accept the breakup, what do you say I should do?
Teacher Xu Chuan answered:
Hello sister, after reading your message, I understand your feelings at this time, but what I want to say to you is: in love, only you will be loved if you love yourself.
There will indeed be such a type of girl in love, they are very similar to you, because they love their partners too much, they are particularly afraid of not doing a little thing well, so they will lose him, so no matter when and what happens, they will do their best to present their best side, like a peacock opening the screen, and even at the expense of wronging themselves, just to please the other half.
They always put their partner's emotions and feelings in the first place, and lose themselves in their feelings.
When angry, the first thing to think about is that my accusations and criticisms will sting and hurt each other, because I know how uncomfortable this feeling is, so no matter how wronged, they will still consider the language over and over again, suppress anger, and slowly quarrel;
When expressing ideas, you will also worry about offending the other party, so you will consider and reconsider what you say, and many times you are forced to choose to compromise, such as returning home is very tired, and you find that your boyfriend wants to eat the food you made, and you will not be able to refuse;
Overly concerned about the feelings of others, in the eyes of your partner, you will be a gentle, easy person to get along with, can help you keep the relationship, but maintaining the relationship in this way is not equal, when you are negative, wronged, sad, he will never return you a little sympathy.
In addition, people who do not love themselves have another characteristic: they dare not ask for it with their other half.
They have a very low evaluation of themselves in their feelings, resulting in the fear of asking for it, and even the first reaction of the other party to send you a gift is to return what to the other party, and they are afraid of others.
This can lead to a serious problem: you rarely express your true thoughts, your partner thinks that you can satisfy you with a little thing, and thinks that you need to accommodate his ideas more in your relationship, forming a fixed pattern of getting along.
But you have a feeling of dissatisfaction in your heart, every time you accommodate you will accumulate a point of dissatisfaction, obviously have your own ideas, have their own needs, but always want the other half to guess.
These repressed inner feelings will consume the love between you in the feelings, you feel that he does not care enough about you, he feels that your emotions are repetitive and moody, he thinks it is difficult to get along with you, you will be more and more tired, feel that in the feelings are overdrawn, love is consumed a little bit.
In feelings, self-love is the premise of being loved.
This "self-love" is not simply willing to spend money for yourself, go home on time, and do not casually follow the shallow layers of the opposite sex, but also know how to love yourself in your feelings, love each other more, use the right way to manage feelings, and know how to solve problems between two people.
Many feelings can not go on in the end, because of the lack of this "ability to love", even if you change a pool, you still can't learn to swim.
Only by learning to truly love oneself and love others will it be stable to be loved.
If other girls encounter similar emotional confusion and don't know how to solve it, you can tell me about your situation and I'll help you.