Netizen question: Hello Teacher Xu Chuan, my situation is like this, because my parents are very strict, until I opened my first relationship at the age of 24, he is a sunny and cheerful boy, just been together for two months, I really feel very happy.
Probably because of my lack of love since childhood, I have extremely high expectations for feelings, and I always hope that this first love can be cultivated to a positive result, so I am good to him, all kinds of dependence on him, I have reached the point of losing myself, and at the beginning we got along really well.
But after a long time, he said that I was very stressed by this look, and he couldn't breathe, hoping to give each other some space, and then deliberately alienated me.
Once I found out that he had not replied to me, but was sending a circle of friends, which made me both angry and disappointed. I was worried that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave me, so I cried and pestered in all kinds, and now they are quite exhausted from each other, and they feel that they can't go anymore. Teacher Xu Chuan, what do you say I should do?
Teacher Xu Chuan answered:
Hello sister, after reading your message, I understand your mood very much. In intimate relationships, the reason why you have this kind of flattery, anxiety, and suffering from gains and losses is directly related to your original family.
In early childhood, you did not get enough love from your parents, or the love your parents gave you made you feel insecure, and after entering an intimate relationship, you will desperately desire to be loved and regard the "being loved" in your feelings as redemption.
Because of the desire to be loved, they will put all their emotions on their lovers, and they are extremely afraid of losing their other half, which is what we often call "love brains".
People who are in love with a brain usually have the following 3 behaviors.
1, involuntarily please the other half.
Because you are very afraid of your partner leaving, when you have a conflict with your partner, you will always let go of your principles and run to please him.
After the Cold War, you will ask for peace, when you clash you will admit your mistakes, when you quarrel you will panic, you will gradually become more and more humble, more and more in the relationship without your own position, when the other half sees that you are always in favor, you will always wait for you to admit your mistakes, you will feel that you are less and less valued by your partner.
You will form a "demand-obey" mode of getting along, always the partner asks, you choose to obey him, your feelings are maintained by your humble flattery, when one day he is tired of your flattery, or your flattery always does not get the other party's love, your feelings will go wrong.
2, the heart is empty, there is always a strong sense of anxiety.
There are also people who are in love with brains, and they will be very anxious. Because of the fear of losing your partner, when he is cold to you or your partner does not respond, your inner anxiety will be aroused, thinking that this is a signal that he is leaving you.
At this time, you will lose your temper, chase the other party to respond to you, and make demands on the other party, and this gesture will often bring pressure to the partner, the partner will feel that he obviously loves you, but you are always dissatisfied with him, and often angry, you are easy to break out of conflict.
3, suffering from gain and loss, extremely sensitive.
When he is good to you, you feel that this good is not stable enough, and you will want him to be better to you; when he is not good to you, you will feel that he is leaving you, and your heart will be very panicked.
Therefore, whether the other party is good for you or bad for you, because of your love brain, you can't accept it calmly, and you can't enjoy the feelings well, because you are too afraid of losing.
Therefore, your heart will become more and more sensitive, and you want to go down with the other party, but the relationship will become more and more unstable, and you will not be able to manage a stable relationship.
You think that you are very affectionate and attached to feelings, but you are easy to ignore: you actually lack too much in the subject of loving and being loved.
We love a person, the heart is very determined, not afraid of loss, when you are always afraid of the other party to leave, you can not love a person well, the panic in the heart will make you do inappropriate behavior again and again, and eventually lead to emotional crisis.