Netizen question: Hello Teacher Xu Chuan, last Wednesday night, my boyfriend who has been with me for more than two years suddenly broke up with me.
The reason why it is sudden, because before this, our relationship has been good, occasionally a little contradiction, but also basically resolved on the same day, together for more than two years, there has never been a big quarrel.
If I had to say what was wrong, he did talk to me once a few months ago, saying that I was a little too clingy, and sometimes I felt breathless with me, and listening to him say that, I was still very sad at the time, I cried a nose, and then it was gone. I still like to stick to him, and he's still very good to me.
In addition, we really don't have any conflict and contradiction, these days I called him a lot, hoping that he can explain to me, but he did not answer one, I ran to his house to find him, he did not even open the door, I feel that he is iron-hearted to share with me. What do you say I should do?
Teacher Xu Chuan answered:
What I want to say to you, sister, is that your boyfriend's departure seems to be sudden and unprovoked, but in fact, almost all the separations are premeditated.
If the other person suddenly proposes to break up, you are caught off guard, feel that the previous two people have a particularly good relationship, and do not understand why he left. I want to tell you that this is most likely your one-sided delusion.
The biggest possibility is that he has already accumulated long-term dissatisfaction in the relationship that you didn't notice.
That is, in this relationship, your needs are in a state of satisfaction and stability, so you have always been very happy, and the other party is not this feeling, he has always felt that the needs are not met, until one day, he explicitly speaks out the dissatisfaction and solves the problem in the form of a breakup.
In this type of emotional crisis, there are three possibilities.
1. The other party does not express the behavior pattern of the demand.
That is, in the relationship, he has always suppressed his own needs, never expressed his needs, and rarely showed dissatisfaction with you, so you did not realize it.
In such a situation, what needs to be done is to build a communication environment that makes the other party feel safe and comfortable, listen to the other party's feelings, and let him speak his true thoughts freely. First figure out the real motives for him to break up, and then we can solve it in a targeted manner.
This kind of person, usually it is difficult to express his thoughts truthfully, there may be a strong father or mother, he will be strongly rejected by the mother or father when he expresses it from childhood, so there is no behavior mode of expressing needs, so we must first probe and hear the true voice of his heart, guide him to say his true feelings in his heart, and there is room for emotional problems to be solved.
2) You don't have the awareness to pay attention to the needs of the other person.
You may have said it many times, and you don't think it matters, and there hasn't been a heated conflict over it.
For example, every time he talks to you, you blame the other person instead of thinking about your own problems. When he faces accusations, he will be silent and choose to suppress the needs of his heart. Feelings have returned to calm and calm, but the real problems have been suppressed, accumulated, and finally completely exploded.
3. A trigger event has appeared.
For example, the other party has a new opposite sex around him, and a mental or physical derailment has occurred, which has stimulated his long-suppressed dissatisfaction. And this behavior means that your feelings are also facing great challenges.
When encountering a situation where the partner mentions separation, first look at which one it is, different types of solutions are different, find the real problem, and then have the opportunity to solve the emotional crisis.
If other girls are experiencing similar confusion in their relationships, you can tell me about your situation and I'll help you.