Question: Hello Teacher Xu Chuan, I have been with my boyfriend for more than two years, and I am quite satisfied with him in all aspects, but the only thing that makes me feel tired is that as long as we quarrel, he will be cold and violent to me.
Ignore me, I took the initiative to call him and he didn't answer, he didn't reply to the message, he didn't see him when he went to look for him...
A lot of times I don't really know, whether to continue the relationship or not. But when there is no quarrel, he can treat me well, after all, they have been together for more than two years, really broke up, and I was reluctant to do so.
Teacher Xu Chuan, in the face of his "cold violence" problem, what do you say I should do?
Teacher Xu Chuan answered:
Hello sister, after reading your message, I understand your mood at this time. So why do two people who are clearly in love with each other use cold violence to hurt people when they have an awkward fight?
From a psycho-emotional professional point of view, in the process of emotional development, once the expectations are not met, there will be two wrong behaviors:
1. Attract attention. For example, tantrums, quarrels, acts, etc., these behaviors are to attract the attention of the partner, eager to let the other half pay attention to themselves;
2. Power struggle. Both men and women will begin to blame each other, trying to win the dominance of the relationship, trying to dominate the other to obey themselves. You want to make the other person compromise, use power to suppress the other person, and make the partner listen to him.
These two behaviors are difficult to work, but they stimulate frequent quarrels, feelings are getting weaker, and disappointment accumulates more and more, at this time, it will trigger two kinds of psychology that leads to cold violence.
The first psychology of cold violence is: the psychology of revenge.
Many people want to punish each other after their expectations are not met, and make themselves feel comfortable by making their partners miserable.
The reason why I am cold and violent is also to hurt the other party with an indifferent attitude, to retaliate against the other half, and to feel that "I am very painful, I will also make you miserable."
Revenge psychology is common and almost everyone has it. Especially when the relationship reaches the point of rupture, they will want to punish each other to obtain psychological balance.
The second psychology of cold violence is self-imposed exile.
That is, to use indifference to carry out inner defense, thinking that there is no disappointment without expectation. At this stage, they have been completely disappointed in their feelings and have no illusions about their other half, so they freeze their hearts.
Their cold violence is actually that they have given up the relationship and are numb to hurt.
These two psychologies will lead to two people being cold and violent for a long time, hurting each other, not admitting defeat to each other, and spending until they are exhausted, and finally one of them cheats or proposes to break up.
In fact, it is not that you do not love, but you love each other very much, but the way of love is not right.
You want him to accommodate you, he wants you to accommodate him, you both want to be loved by each other. But the way you take is to lose your temper, to do, to quarrel, to fight for power, these wrong ways make you not feel the love of the other party, and the feelings are consumed step by step.
Therefore, because you don't know how to manage love, you can't let each other meet your expectations, which leads to the feelings to this step. What you need to do at this moment is to adjust the way you love, realize your own problems, and improve your ability to love.
What seems to be a crisis caused by cold violence is actually a problem caused by a lack of ability to love. Because of the lack of ability to love others, the wrong way is taken in the relationship, and the mode of getting along and the mode of communication that is constructed are very negative, so that the relationship has gradually reached the point of rupture.
Only by correcting the way of love and improving the ability to love can we fundamentally solve the emotional crisis we encounter. If other girls have similar emotional confusion, you can tell me the details and I will help you.