Question: Hello Teacher Xu Chuan, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, it may be that I took the initiative to pursue him first, in the later relationship, I have always been the party who pays more.
The rented house, 20 minutes walk from his unit, 20 minutes from my unit, the subway is an hour and a half; when he was engaged, he said that his parents did not have any savings, and I did not want 1 point of the change fee (our family xing this); usually cooking and cleaning up the house These jobs are basically my sole responsibility; occasionally raise the bar and mix my mouth, and I bow my head first...
I really think that in order to maintain this relationship, I have accommodated him enough, but what about him? Never think about me, as if what I do, compromise what should be, many times I feel tired, but do not know how to adjust, you say what should I do?
Teacher Xu Chuan answered:
Hello sister, after reading your message, I understand your mood very much, what I want to say to you is that some feelings feel very tired and can't go on, one reason is that one party has been accommodating the other.
There is a conventional misunderstanding: we may feel that we must know how to accommodate each other, and when we encounter contradictions, we must give up one step, and our feelings can go on. But in fact, intimacy is not so simple, accommodation is not necessarily a good thing.
In feelings, accommodation is divided into 4 types.
1, I know "I am accommodating you."
When you have obvious, accommodating feelings of the other party, your feelings are easy to go wrong, because when you always feel that you are accommodating and compromising, then your accommodation will be transformed into a negative emotion: grievance.
You will feel that this relationship has always been your own giving, and the other half has paid very little, and your heart will be dissatisfied, especially eager for the other party to give you a response. And once your partner doesn't meet your inner expectations, you feel intense "anger."
2) "Why can't you accommodate me?" ”
When it comes to accommodation, many people's first reaction is: Why can't you accommodate me? Why do you always ask me to accommodate you?
If you think you're right about this idea, you have to admit it: there's nothing wrong with that.
You will fall into the cycle of "power struggle", you want him to obey you, to prove that he loves you, he wants you to obey him, to prove that you love him, you calculate each other, you can't feel each other's love, and the result is that each other is not willing to give.
3) Your partner takes it for granted that you accommodate him.
The formation of the mode of getting along often lies in the posture of two people getting along with each other. When you always get along with your partner in an accommodating posture, and when you encounter conflicts, you will always compromise, your relationship will be centered on him, and he will gradually ignore your ideas.
Because you rarely emphasize his importance to you, he can rarely realize that you need to be accommodated and loved, and he thinks that your accommodation to him is taken for granted, and he will "forget" to love you.
4. Establish a mechanism for resolving contradictions and jointly accommodate them.
There is a kind of accommodation, is a two-way accommodation: there are problems directly expressed, often to the partner to say their feelings, there is love in each other's hearts, but also established a contradiction resolution mechanism, not cold war, rare quarrels, contradictions can be dealt with in time, not at the expense of grievances of a person.
This kind of accommodation is a healthy accommodation, and the premise of its establishment is that two people know love, love, and have the wisdom of managing feelings.
Many times, we all understand the reason, we know that we have to accommodate each other, but we can't always do it when operating, but because we follow a certain truth, we will make the feelings have more serious problems.
It is not that the truth is wrong, but the ability to love requires self-improvement. When you don't have the ability to love, even if you know the truth, it will be counterproductive to the feelings.
It's like knowing that you have to accommodate each other, but you fall into the first three points because of this, and you don't know how to love, you can never "accommodate each other".
If other girls have similar emotional confusion, you can tell me about your situation and I will help you.