Recently, I received a question from a background netizen:
Hello Teacher Xu Chuan! I think there's a bit of a problem with my boyfriend, which is that no matter what I say, he doesn't bother to get involved.
For example, I complained to him that I had worked overtime again today, and he didn't respond; I asked him how you were in the company today, and he said that impatiently; I happily bought a dress to wear for him to see, and he didn't look at it and said "good"...
There are many similar situations, I always want to nag him about everything, but he always rejects me thousands of miles away, I asked him: Do you not love me and do not want to be with me? He would say no and accuse me of being cranky. But I just think this state of getting along is particularly twisted.
Can you help me analyze what he thinks?
Teacher Xu Chuan answered:
Hello sister, very seriously read your message, very understanding of your current feelings, intimate relationship, two-way sharing desire, is the highest level of romance. And the strong desire to share in one direction will actually slowly kill feelings.
Because, when you have a strong desire to express yourself unilaterally and the other person is not so positive, you will urgently need the other party's response. When you get along with him, you will have a strong sense of need.
Probably, from good morning to good night, you keep sending messages to each other every day, sending dozens of messages each time, seeing that I wore a skirt today, ate a fat-loss meal at noon, my colleague began to be a demon again, what to eat at night, you think I didn't have it today... The other party just replied to you a few words, I was busy, eating noodles, saying at night...
Once he does not respond or the attitude of response is a little cold, you will feel that the desire to share is not responded to, you will be disappointed in him, feel that he does not love you enough, suffer from loss or lose, and ask him with harsh accusations why he does not reply to the message, whether he does not love enough. It hurts feelings.
In fact, the essential problem of the failure of one-way sharing is that the emotional connection between two people needs to be moderate and needs to be responded to and then shared.
If you ask for too close emotional distance, although you feel very good, but the partner will feel suffocated, he will feel that there is no space for himself, very much want to alienate you, and keep a certain distance from you;
If he doesn't respond to you and you keep sharing and venting all your negative emotions to him, it's not romantic for him, it's a psychological burden that makes him feel like you've been asking for emotions from him, and he'll feel tired and want to run away.
Unilaterally and strongly share the output, and the other party does not respond, it is necessary to stop in moderation, you need to consider whether it is the wrong way to share, or whether the other party is in a depressed period, what makes him close the door to sharing desire. Otherwise, it will become a "one chase and one escape" mode of getting along.
In this mode, you will be very tired, he feels that you are always trying to control him, and you feel that his indifference is hurtful, thinking that he does not love you. He will constantly try to escape, and you will always try to catch up with him, confirm love to him, and when one party is tired or the other is tired, the relationship will break.
In this type of relationship, your anxiety has been dominating you to get too close to each other and not be able to accept the distance between two people. This anxiety causes you to develop controlling behaviors and always lose your temper and destroy feelings.
If you want to have a good relationship, you need to adjust your expectations for love, alleviate your inner anxiety, and love someone with a more peaceful attitude. When you know how to manage your emotions, alleviate your anxiety, and take a gentle posture to get along with your partner, you can make each other comfortable in the relationship, and your partner will settle down in your feelings and no longer want to break free.
If other girls have encountered similar confusion in their relationships, you can tell me the situation specifically, and I will help you analyze it.