About the author: Xu Chuan, senior marriage emotional counselor and family psychotherapist.
Netizen question: Hello Teacher Xu Chuan, my boyfriend and I are each other's first love, and we have been together for nearly 4 years. We have fond memories and love each other, but many times we have unprovoked arguments, cold wars, and even breakups.
Although it will also be reconciled, this state of love and killing really makes me wonder how to be good. In the future, I will get married and have children, and it will definitely not work like this, what do you say I should do?
Teacher Xu Chuan answered:
Hello sister, I can understand your mood at this time. The most abusive state in a relationship is to love and kill each other.
Obviously you love him very much, he also loves you very much, you are all devoted with sincerity, but in the daily relationship, often hurt each other, can't help but quarrel, cold war, and then experience reconciliation - quarrel - separation - reconciliation, live very sadistically, separate and like each other too much, do not separate and can not find a comfortable way to get along.
In fact, there are two main reasons for this kind of love and killing feelings:
1, shallow: the standard of love is different, always try to change each other. Some people must hear each other say "I love you" every day to feel love; some people regard their partner's obedience and accommodation to themselves as a manifestation of love; when we feel that the standards of love are inconsistent, we want to ask the other party to meet according to our own hopes, but another person may not be able to match you in this part.
2, deep: the invisible password in the original family, that is, the invisible influence of the original family.
For example, people who lack love in the original family will have a poor sense of security when they grow up, clingy, and eager to be completely spoiled by the other party, so as to make up for the lack of inner love and gain a sense of security, and the other party will feel extremely tired in this process, and the contradiction will arise in this way.
So, how to solve the sadistic love of love and killing?
I give you 4 tips.
First, find the source of your own needs, judge their rationality, and carry out cognitive correction.
Some needs are reasonable, and some needs are unreasonable. But whether it's reasonable or not, you need to see: Why do I have this need? When you find the source of your needs, you will have the opportunity to correct yourself and grow.
If you have not been aware of the impact of your original family and past experiences on yourself, you will always be trapped, only to blame your partner again and again, and will not doubt the rationality of your needs.
Second, see your partner's needs and gain a deep understanding of your partner's behavior patterns.
When we consider our own needs, we often only stare at the partner's behavior to see if the partner meets their own needs, while ignoring what his needs are, the partner will feel ignored.
Therefore, if you want to live emotionally, you need to deeply understand your partner's needs, see and meet their partners' needs. Only when your partner feels loved and needs are met will they be truly willing to love you.
Third, adopt the right communication style to guide your partner to meet your own needs.
The reason why you quarrel and have a cold war with your partner is because you feel that your partner should meet your needs, and he has not done it. It is precisely because you have the belief that "he should xxx" in your heart that you will feel that he is wrong and angry emotions will arise in your heart.
But in fact, it is not that he should do something, but that you should guide him to do something. And, when you feel like he should do something, the anger in your heart will make you accuse, criticize, complain, and instead push your partner farther and farther away.
Don't pin your hopes on each other, but learn to express your own needs and guide the other party to meet your own needs through skills. When you have this ability, you will save more than 90% of your emotional troubles and will greatly reduce the frequency of your quarrels.
Fourth, seek professional counseling help.
Whether it is the influence of the original family, or the adjustment of the pattern in the relationship between husband and wife, or the discovery and satisfaction of the needs of the partner, it is difficult for you to do it yourself, and you need a lot of psychological professional knowledge and experience to support.
Therefore, if you encounter these problems, self-help is certainly OK, but the timeliness is relatively slow, it is difficult to be very accurately aware of the impact of your original family on yourself, and the beautification of yourself will also lead to you not seeing the needs of your partner, the best way is to seek professional counseling help, can help you see your situation more clearly.
If you need professional help, you can tell me your specific situation and I will help you deal with it.