Author: Warm-blooded animal (ID: staywarmblood)
Recently watched Roland Miller's Intimate Relationship.
The introduction says that it is the science of intimate relationships, suitable for readers who want to love sweetly and live happily.
After taking a seat, I opened the book.
Halfway through reading, I found that it did answer a lot of my confusion.
In the past, in the scattered experiences of others, I usually only received short and one-sided inspiration.
In the face of constant new problems, I feel that I need a rigorous and credible methodology like this.
If you're also looking forward to an ongoing and fulfilling intimate relationship, then I recommend you check out this book as well.
In addition, I have summarized a few specific ways to maintain intimate relationships from the book, which I hope will inspire you.
The book mentions that a psychologist did a survey and found that:
Those who are satisfied with their flaws see their partners' flaws as localized, limited flaws that are far less important and influential than their strengths and strengths.
They idealize their partners and rate them more positively than others, even more positively than their partners judge themselves.
That said, regularly praising the other person will make the relationship more lasting.
Boasting about people sounds simple, but it is not easy to really insist on doing it.
Because when a relationship is stable, people will easily "become lazy" and feel that reducing input costs does not seem to have any loss.
But in fact, being too lazy to actively respond to the other party is a dangerous signal.
Once the other party perceives this slackness, they often unconsciously retract and take a few more steps back, and there is a gap between them.
And those who can always take the initiative to praise each other with an appreciative eye often have unexpected gains.
I think of the documentary I watched before, "Honey, Don't Cross that River", in which the old couple in their nineties is like this.
Grandpa just casually hummed a few songs, and Grandma would tell him lovingly, "You sing so well."
Sometimes, Grandpa cooked a very ordinary pot of white rice, and Grandma would praise him for being great.
Every praise Grandpa received became the motivation for him to give all his love for Grandma.
When he heard Grandma casually say that he wanted to eat persimmon cakes, he would immediately go to buy them; when he heard Grandma say that her knees hurt, he would go over and help her blow it.
In this way, they are always extremely satisfied, because they are convinced that every love they send will never fail.
Such a mode of getting along will form a particularly lasting virtuous circle.
Sometimes, it is not only children who need praise, but also adults, even if they are exaggerated because of inconspicuous things, they will also be excited.
For example, "You look good today", "The new hairstyle is good for you", "You were beautiful at that moment"...
Being loved by a partner we think is a good fit will also make us realize that we are great people too.
At the same time, when we believe that we are fine with someone, we will also trust the relationship without any doubt.
Trying to apply the exaggerated pattern of getting along with children to intimate relationships is the first step I plan to practice next.
Imagine that if your partner replies to you more and more untimely, you are describing the facts by saying "You have been replying to messages more and more frequently" and "you often don't reply to my messages, you don't love me anymore" is making comments.
The difference between the two is that the latter is easy to make the other party lose the motivation to take the initiative to express itself, deepening the misunderstanding.
And if we simply describe the facts, it is equivalent to creating a space for the other party to open up for answers, and he will be more willing to speak from the heart.
In addition, when communicating, there are some small details to pay attention to.
For example, describe specific behaviors and avoid absolutized words such as "always" and "never";
Use first-person expressions to illustrate your feelings, for example, "I'm angry now" instead of "You've got me";
The combination of the two points is a universal formula - XYZ statement:
When you do X (behavioral description) in a Y-context, I feel Z (first-person statement).
For example, "How come you're late again and always don't take me to heart" if you replace it with "You made me wait for a long time, I feel angry." "It will be easier to get the other person's understanding and apologies."
We often say that a person is very double-standard, that he is talking about the same thing, that he treats himself and asks others to use different standards.
Be more tolerant of yourself and be stricter with others.
The reason behind this is that people are accustomed to attributing their own misconduct to external causes and other people's misconduct to internal causes.
For example, the same is lying on the couch as soon as I get home, and I don't want to do anything.
If it were ourselves, we would say that we need a good rest when we are tired at work;
And if we are bystanders, when we see our partner like this, we will feel that the other party is too lazy.
Many times, it is difficult for us to realize such differences in thinking, and we always feel that the other party will see things like ourselves.
But in reality, even the closest partners have a hard time really understanding the reasons for all our actions.
So the next time we encounter disagreements, if we can put ourselves into each other's roles and think about how we would explain ourselves in that situation, there will be fewer contradictions and conflicts that we may not understand.
It is often seen that people say that planning too far away from a relationship is often difficult to go to the end.
Just like before doing a thing, the plan is very thorough and perfect, but when you really do it, all kinds of dissatisfaction, the result is abandoned.
The same is true of intimacy.
Someone did a study that tracked 82 newlyweds for 4 years and found that the happiest couples were the ones who had the most realistic view of married life in the first place.
Couples who hold unrealistic positive expectations tend to be very disappointed once the honeymoon period is over.
Because when the relationship enters a new stage, there will always be a lot of unpredictable troubles and deviations.
For example, before living together, we fantasize that many beautiful things will happen:
Two people eat three meals for four seasons, and then have a cute cat.
But the reality may be that we argue endlessly about who washes the dishes and who cleans up the cat hair.
Therefore, if we have always had the unrealistic expectation of intimacy, the end will most likely be unhappy.
As we learn more about each other, so will our perspectives on many issues in intimate relationships.
Similar to human tastes, our ability to accept and adapt will also change.
So, before the relationship moves forward, remember to leave a certain amount of room for the unknown future.
We have to imagine not only beautiful things, but also the parts that are not romantic, and be prepared to meet the trouble together.
Maintaining reasonable expectations of intimacy on the basis of adapting to reality will make it easier to feel happy.
Reading this, you will find that these methods and suggestions for teaching us to maintain intimate relationships are not profound and unique truths.
You may even think that I already knew this, but I still didn't get high-quality intimacy.
Yes, these methods sound simple, but to some extent, it is precisely because we feel that they are too simple, so we underestimate their help in solving the problem, and therefore rarely actually practice them.
In my opinion, an intimate relationship does not need so many complex criteria to tell us what is love and what is not love,
What we need to know more is what we can do to maintain and improve a relationship.
When we agree with this, choose a scientific method, find a breakthrough, and practice, I believe that we will be able to gain something.
- END -
*Article Source: Warm-Blooded Animal (ID: staywarmblood).
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