How to promote gender relations? Please put away these 10 tips

Many people do not know how to advance their relationship when they meet the opposite sex they like: they act too obviously for fear of scaring each other, and they are silent and afraid of being treated as friends. In this season of spring, we offer you a very suitable practical manual - like a person, how to chase?

Many people's pursuit of love is results-oriented, that is, by making the other party happy and determining the relationship between the other party. They ignore the significance of pursuing this process in advancing the relationship between the sexes: we need to improve ourselves and learn the ability to love ourselves and love others; we need to know each other and know what is attracted to us? Trust and intimacy need to be built. In the end, the determination of the relationship between lovers is a matter of course. Otherwise, even if the relationship is determined, it is not enough for us to leave a very special place in each other's heart, and enter a relationship because of the wrong illusions about each other, and then the relationship breaks down because of the disillusionment.

Like how a person chases, we summarized 10 practical tips to share with you -

1. Be humble and courteous, self-respecting and self-loving

If one does not strive to develop one's whole personality and thus attain a creative tendency, then every attempt to love will fail; if there is no ability to love others, if one cannot truly love others humbly, courageously, sincerely, and disciplinedly, then one will never be satisfied in one's own love life. - Fromm, The Art of Love

First of all, we must love ourselves, and secondly, we must have the ability to love others. Self-love means that even if someone I like attacks my "self" and wants to manipulate me and force me to do something I don't like, I can't. Rejection is not a routine, it is to protect one's own interests. Anything that requires you to sacrifice yourself in exchange for the other person's happiness and satisfaction will not make you happy. Only people who are very immature in mind need the other party to accommodate ta all the time and like ta. From this accommodation, ta needs to gain a sense of power and gain the recognition of the opposite sex. And the person who will really love you, hope that you have a happy life, be your true self, and do not have to give up your self-esteem. Only if both parties understand "equality and respect" will be a good start. It is precisely because of inferiority that self-confidence is gained by belittling others, believing that all mistakes are the problems of the other party, and always blaming and educating each other. People with low self-esteem do not even look up to themselves, they do not even love themselves, and how do they know how to love others. A boy who loves himself will not use his hands and feet to equate love with simple sex, because the premise of self-esteem is to know how to respect others.

Not knowing how to chase him shows that you haven't established a complete "self" yet. The right thing to do is to release likes and loves with self-respect and self-love, and if you get a response, it's happiness; if you don't respond, it's okay. On the one hand, two people are not familiar with each other, the other party does not understand themselves is normal, after a period of time do not understand that it is also no fate; on the one hand, they are not RMB, it is impossible for everyone to like, there will always be people who know how to appreciate themselves, there is no need to insist on the love that can not be obtained. Focus on the growth of the self and don't try to transform the other person. Often a pair of partners with good feelings, when a person gives up changing each other, the other party will be more and more affected, unconsciously the two become more and more similar.

2. Be sincere, show love generously, and have something to say

Only by paying sincerity can we get sincerity. Psychology has a principle called the principle of reciprocity, which is that we will like people who like us. When we do not hide our good feelings for each other, it is easier for the other party to have a good feeling for us. When a person is chased, his heart is secretly happy. Because being liked by others is originally a relatively happy thing. Therefore, when approaching each other, there is no need to hide the good feelings and interest in the other party, do not have to guess each other' hearts, and do not deliberately test each other.

Sincerity is the act of the brave. The essence of love is to give a person the right to hurt himself. Only those of us who have ourselves in our hearts can hurt ourselves. If you don't love you alone, nothing he does will affect you. In real life, it is more likely that the person you like, he does not like you, you pour out your heart and lungs for a person, but he is just cheating on your feelings. Your true heart cannot be exchanged for another true heart, your deep affection is only to be disappointed, and the person you love deeply is only painful. But the ability to love a lover grows in constant injury. Even if you know that you will be hurt, you must be sincere. Don't stop believing in love because you've been hurt; don't dare to love anymore because you've been hurt. After being hurt, you will know how to recognize people and know who is really suitable for you. Let go of the past, get serious about the present, love as much as you like someone for the first time, just look forward to it, just as you will definitely be together. One day, you will meet someone who knows how to love you well and cherish you well.

Be sincere, reflected in the behavior that you will take the initiative to learn, know this person, understand what the other party is attracted to, care and respect him.

Attraction between the sexes is divided into three categories: sexual attraction (appearance), interest attraction (talent), and personality attraction (personality, character). The most important thing is the mutual attraction of personality. In Yun Bo's "Yi Dao Tang Anthology", there is the "Book of Collecting Luans with Ji Ren" Yun: "Ten years ago, the color of Mu Jun; ten years later, the talent of loving Jun." After years, I feel the love of the king; I talk overnight, and I value the virtue of the king. Sexual attraction stems from animal instincts. Most love at first sight is the mutual attraction of sex between the sexes, that is, the passion in the three elements of love. But such a foundation is far from solid enough. Because passion is motivated, sexual attraction can only be short-term behavior. Only the attraction of personality and the fusion of their respective souls can bring about intimate relationships, so that the feelings between the opposite sex become long and precious.

Psychologists believe that one of the reasons for the strong attraction between lovers is actually the pursuit of a complete self. Psychology master Yang Ge believes that everyone has a "dominant" and "implicit" personality. That is to say, a very lively person actually has a very depressed side, while another very quiet person is likely to become restless in another strange environment. In terms of psychological theory, the shadow personality of the "analytical" person is the "sensory type", because the "analytical" person focuses on logical thinking and objective judgment, but when he emphasizes and expresses "rationality", he unconsciously suppresses the delicate and amorous "perceptual" part of his personality to the depths of the subconscious and becomes a hidden "shadow personality". Therefore, when a person meets a person of the opposite sex who has his own "shadow personality", the "shadow personality" sees the sun, is inspired, and thus becomes extremely happy, and the shackled mind is freely released. So some people say that the objects of love are usually complementary personalities, which is the reason. This process of heterosexual attraction, "shadow personality" and "dominant personality" integration and complementarity, will gradually develop a more complete, more mature personality, this process is also called the "complete self" of the pursuit of psychologists.

Fromm's The Art of Love states: "Love is a positive concern for life and for the growth of what we love." "What she likes, what she hates, what character she needs, what she grows, her difficulties, her glory, her sadness.

Human nature is self-interested. People only care about themselves. Caring for others is actually against human nature. But if one loves another person, he will at a certain time violate the self-interested nature of others and show concern and respect for the other party. Respect is to strive to enable the other person to grow and develop themselves, rather than to let the other person give up on themselves. For example, support his career, studies, and life decisions.

Sincerity also means that you will have something to say. Two people get along, and there are many darknesses and doubts in their hearts. "Aren't you happy that I did this?" "Will you deceive me?" "Your words today make me quite sad, are you serious?" ”。 Many misunderstandings arose during this period. If you have doubts, don't tempt, don't assume, don't routine, just ask. This way of communication is the only way to eliminate misunderstandings, and it is also a sincere way. He can see this sincerity. Even if you are questioning and denying him, he understands that if you say the truth in your heart, he will appreciate your truth. He will also be sincere with you and be honest with you. If he doesn't do this, then you can let go of this love. But please don't ask "How much sexual history do you have?" "When was the first time you had sex?" "How many times have you been in love?" This is grossly disrespectful to people. If the biggest doubts you have about a woman in your heart are these questions, it shows that you are simply treating women as your own private goods and tools, rather than as individuals.

3, let the other party feel needed

The Franklin effect tells us that the other person will like you more when they help you than when they help you. While we take the initiative to pay, we may wish to ask for help from him in a timely manner, so that the other party feels needed, and perhaps he can win his favor. In addition, occasional weakness can have a similar effect. Especially if you are a relatively strong person in front of outsiders, then in the face of this ta you like, you may wish to let go of your own strength, take the initiative to seek help or rely on each other, may be able to close the psychological distance between you and establish a deeper relationship.

4. Express appreciation in a timely manner

Roland Miller mentioned in "Intimacy" that people prefer people who are more likely to accept themselves. Expressing appreciation and gratitude often can make the other person feel that you seem to like him. If you want each other to relax in the relationship, be the one who expresses love and appreciation first. When he or she does something that is good for the relationship, such as taking care of you when she is sick, helping you to do something, appreciating his efforts, telling him that you appreciate his approach and understand him. This will make the other person love you more and let the relationship enter a positive cycle.

5. Preserve some uncertainty and provide tension for the relationship

In the process of pursuit, because they do not know each other very well, there is a sense of distance, there is a natural uncertainty in the relationship, neither knowing how the relationship will develop, nor determining the other party's intentions. This uncertainty can make both parties more attractive to each other.dà each other.

Humans are born with a fascination with the unknown. Allowing uncertainty in the pursuit process will not only not hurt each other, but also arouse each other's curiosity to explore the unknown, thus giving the relationship a tension full of mystery. What you need to do to maintain uncertainty is to avoid making the other person feel that they must be in the relationship. Common behaviors such as: people you like always send messages in seconds, even if you have other things to do; buy gifts or offer courtesy to each other too often; and put a lot of energy into the other person.

Retaining some uncertainty is not equal to routine the other party, some people who are good at emotional routines will use and expand this uncertainty to manipulate each other, first to win sympathy, through sweet words to make you accustomed to the existence of TA, and then verbal blows, hot and cold make you feel insecure, let you give up self-esteem, and agree to each other's excessive requirements. The core difference between sincerity and routine is whether it is respectful and responsible, whether it is a stable and long-term relationship, or whether it wants to maintain an ambiguous relationship that is uncertain, or maintain a short-term relationship.

6. Brief and appropriate physical contact

Psychologists have found that even brief and appropriate physical contact between unfamiliar people can increase people's goodwill, trust, and attraction (Burgoon et al., 1992). However, everyone has a different scale for how intimate physical contact can be, and physical contact beyond this scale may make the other party resentful and counterproductive.

"Appropriate" physical contact means that these physical contacts are appropriate to the situation in which they are related at the time and are relatively natural. For example, shoulders or thighs that touch each other when sitting side by side; get the other person's attention by patting each other's hand or shoulder when chatting with each other; and gently holding or holding the person's shoulder when crossing the street.

7. Appropriate self-exposure builds trust and intimacy

People are multi-faceted, with a good side and a dark side. It's human nature. An unfamiliar person, you can only see the bright and dazzling side of ta. Only when trust is established can you see the other person as they really are. Seeing a person's beauty shows that you have the eyes to find beauty. Seeing a person's ugliness shows that you deserve to be trusted by the other person. Trust is very difficult to build. There are only a few people who can be trusted in a lifetime. With the trust of a partner, that will lead to great happiness. This means that you don't have to rely on guessing and temptation to get by. He won't guess and test you either. In reality, many people who have been married for many years do not have trust. There is also a stubborn voice in the subconscious: he will definitely not accept my shortcomings! He will only like my good side! The imperfect self, the completely true self, is not worthy of love, so habitually disguised.

Our mutual understanding is often accompanied by mutual self-exposure—that is, people spontaneously and consciously present their true selves to others. However, appropriate self-exposure builds trust, while inappropriate self-exposure may dissuade the other person directly at the stage of mutual understanding.

There are two practical principles of moderate self-exposure: interaction and gradualness. Interaction refers to the fact that effective self-exposure should be a back-and-forth, a willingness to express oneself and an active listening voice to the other person. For example, when talking about areas that the other party is interested in but are not familiar with, you can politely ask the other party: "I don't know much about this part, but I am willing to listen to you." Can you tell me more? The principle of gradualism is to let self-exposure gradually deepen from the three levels of facts, thoughts, and feelings. Listen to what the other person means; then empathize with why the other person says it; then affirm the other person's point of view on the basis of respect (tacitly acknowledging that he is not hostile); and then talk about your own opinions and feelings.

8. Participate in each other's social circles

The more the social circle overlap of the two people in the relationship, the more serious the two people are about the relationship. The presence of mutual friends can make intimate relationships stronger and, in the presence of friends, gain a stronger identity of "we". Introducing each other to your friends can often help us move from the ambiguous stage. Whether the other party is willing to let you enter his social circle is also an important reference for whether a relationship is worth maintaining for a long time.

9. Continuous sense of participation

Mutual understanding is a dynamic process that needs to be maintained continuously in the process of emotional development, sharing daily life and achievements and setbacks encountered, making learning or growth plans together, cultivating a similar rhythm of life, and habitually using "we" instead of "me and you". A constant sense of engagement can make each other more intimate and accustomed to having each other in life. However, if the interaction between the two parties is mainly online, the intimacy generated is more like an illusion than a real participation in each other's life. Therefore, in order to continue to create a sense of participation, offline meetings are indispensable.