The Truth About Love: Understanding intimacy in a scientific way is the shortcut to happiness

Love is a subjective emotion affected by many factors. Different people's attitudes towards love, as well as their feelings and perceptions, are also different.

It's hard to say how to look at love right, but it's true that many times we lose touch with happiness because we fall into the misunderstanding of intimacy.

"The Truth of Love" is a book written by Teacher Zhang Xiaowen dedicated to the interpretation of the psychology of intimacy, it is based on the theory and research data in Roland Miller's "Intimacy" and made a localized interpretation, the book does not have too deep and difficult to understand the technical terms, aimed at us in plain language to make us more scientific understanding of intimacy, more scientific view of love.

I think many people, when faced with love and marriage, have longed to find a shortcut to happiness. In my opinion, understanding intimacy in a scientific way, avoiding too many detours, falling into too many misunderstandings, this is the most effective shortcut.

Next, let's take a look at what kind of "truth" "The Truth of Love" tells us.

Why do we fall in love with someone?

If I ask you why you're in love, you're sure to tell me because one is too lonely, because love is too good, and so on. But if I were to ask you why you fell in love with that particular person, I don't think many people would be able to answer.

The essence of love is mutual attraction, but why that person is attracted to you and you are attracted to that person, this is very worth exploring.

First, the essence of attraction is "similar attraction."

Psychology believes that everyone is narcissistic, but the degree of narcissism is different. So if we find that a person has some traits similar to our own, we will be easily attracted to that person.

You may think that there are many lovers or couples in life, who are completely different types of each other, but they also love to death and live. Yes, that's because the other person has what he subconsciously wants to be.

Second, relationships are about "rewards and rewards."

The most fundamental reason why we want to make friends, fall in love, and be a couple with a person is because we can get a certain reward from such a relationship.

For example, you like beautiful people because they make you pleasing to the eye; you like hard-working and simple people because such people can make your life more comfortable; even if you are a masochist, you get some kind of happiness from it.

When we understand why we are in love with someone, you also know how to make the person you love love love you more - just do what they like.

What is the difference between men's and women's views on mate selection?

The love that arises from mutual attraction is only the first step in an intimate relationship. Whether you can enter marriage and have happiness, there are many variables in this, and it will also be affected by many factors.

If nothing else, just talking about marriage can lead to many lovers parting ways. Houses, cars, bride price these talk is not appropriate, men feel that women are snobbish, women feel that men are realistic, the sweetness of love is gone, both sides feel that they saw the wrong person at the beginning, or the other party changed so quickly.

But this is not the case, it is only due to the different views of men and women on mate selection.

What kind of mate selection do men have?

There is a joke on the Internet that men's love is very single-minded, no matter how old they are, they will like to be young and beautiful.

What makes us sad is that when you read the book The Truth About Love, you will find that it is not just a joke. This is actually a fact.

The reason why men always like young and beautiful women is because:

"1.20 to 24 years old is the period when women's fertility is strongest.

2. Beautiful women are more likely to have beautiful children who are more competitive and better offspring.

3. A good figure in the eyes of men is the "waist-to-hip ratio" is appropriate, such women are more likely to give birth to healthy babies. ”

In the final analysis, a man's view of mate selection is based on the purpose of reproduction, of course, this is not a conscious act, but an evolutionary instinct.

What is a woman's view of mate selection?

When a woman wants to marry a man, she often pays more attention to the man's economic conditions, work ability, whether there is a house or a car, etc. These material aspects are actually the same reason as men who like young and beautiful women.

Teacher Zhang Xiaowen explained it like this:

"Women have always been a vulnerable group in society, women have a lot of personal investment in raising children, and they need abundant resources and shelter to provide a material foundation and stable home for themselves and their children."

It is also an instinct to reproduce. Because women need more time and energy to conceive and take care of their children after marriage, they need more material guarantees to enhance their sense of security.

In the final analysis, in the matter of mate selection, the purpose of men and women is the same, but because of the differences in physiology and parental input of different genders, the mate selection views of men and women are different, so to speak, is it easy to understand the inconsistency between the two parties in the process of talking about marriage?

How to maintain the happiness and longevity of marriage?

After entering the marriage, the next goal is naturally to maintain the long-term stability of the marriage and create happiness as much as possible, which is what we usually call "running a marriage".

"The Truth of Love" explains to us several theories and laws, which are very suitable for us to learn from and apply in the process of running a marriage.

The key to making love profitable: the reward outweighs the cost.

As we already know, we like a person because we can get some kind of reward with him. But the maintenance of any relationship should be "back and forth", you get some kind of reward, you have to give a certain amount of feedback, and this kind of feedback, in fact, is the "price" of you to maintain this relationship.

When you are in a marriage, the reward is greater than the price, your feelings about the marriage are happy, and such a marriage is easier to maintain for a long time.

According to this law, you should understand that in the process of running a marriage, you should give the other party a certain reward in a timely manner, and as for what these rewards are, it must be treated specifically according to the needs of the other party.

Self-service bias: We always attribute our success to ourselves and try to make excuses for failure.

When our marriages are going well and we feel happy with each other, we often think that this is our own credit, because of our own investment, dedication and compromise to run such a stable marriage.

And once the husband and wife have differences and contradictions, we will feel that it is the other party's problem, the other party does not understand you at all, you cannot reason with him, or he has become different from before.

In fact, no marriage can have a problem one-sided. Firmly remember this "self-service bias theory", learn to find the reason from yourself first, and know how to reflect on yourself, which is the long-term way of marriage.

The more self-disclosure between spouses, the happier the marriage.

Self-disclosure is a psychological concept that refers to the expression of feelings, thoughts, and opinions to others.

Obviously, no matter how tacit the couple is, it is impossible to know what is happening to the other party and what the other party is thinking at all times, so we can only communicate and communicate with each other as much as possible to have as few misunderstandings and contradictions as possible, so as to better understand and understand each other.

Unfortunately, at this point, men generally seem to be inferior to women, many husbands like to hide their emotions and negative encounters, and in the end they feel that wives are inconsiderate of themselves, so men should pay special attention to this aspect.

epilogue:

Everyone wants to have a happy love and marriage, but we must understand that all happiness will not fall from the sky, and we must rely on ourselves to grasp and strive.

In the process of grasping and striving, some people stumbled for a long time and still failed to succeed, but some people, holding only one person's hand, can be happy to the white head. It's not that they have any shortcuts, it's just that they found the right people and used the right methods.

You can also understand that finding the right person and using the right method is the shortcut to happiness. And I'm telling you, to do that, you have to learn to understand intimacy in a scientific way.

About the author: Meet and miss, a woman who likes to read and write, focusing on the creation of articles in the emotional field and the analysis and answer of emotional questions, I hope that my words can accompany you warmly forward.