1, online dating a beautiful woman, invite her to the bar to drink, the beauty gracefully said "I only drink 93 years of Raficin!" I nodded hard and beauty smacked a bite, "That's it."

1, online dating a beautiful woman, invite her to the bar to drink, the beauty gracefully said "I only drink 93 years of Raficin!" I ordered a cup hard, and the beauty smacked a mouthful, "That's the taste!" After a total of three drinks, checkout, a total of 86 yuan, I whispered to the waiter "How can it be so cheap?" The waiter whispered, "Sir, we don't have Rafite here, it's all ordinary dry red, and I'm afraid you're too expensive...

2, one night I drunk taxi back to the public security department, the fare of 18 yuan, to the driver 50 yuan, the driver saw me drunk, just look for me 2 yuan, I was drunk to see the driver, the driver asked me: how much did you give me? I said 100 yuan, and the driver immediately said: Obviously it is 50 yuan. I looked at him again, and he looked for 30 bucks. I was still drunk and misty looking at him, and after an hour the driver cried, I thought that I had time anyway, just when the car woke up drunk, the provincial home wife did not open the door and was scolded!

3 Went on a blind date today, and heard that the other party is highly educated, young and beautiful. I was so happy last night that I could even wake up laughing in my dreams, and when I met today, the girl was pretty. But as soon as I spoke, I was disgusted by saying what this demand was asking for. The girl went on to say how much she earned, how big the house was or whatever. I really can't stand it and say directly: Why don't you go to heaven? The girl smiled and said: I go to heaven every day, and I won't rest today. I was dumbfounded: Huh? Girl: I'm a flight attendant!

4 The mother-in-law went on a foreign trip, leaving the father-in-law alone at home.

A few days later, I watched the old man send a circle of friends: one person bought three people's dishes, can I finish eating?

As soon as I saw that this was a hint to us, I took my wife with me in the evening.

When he arrived, Dad nibbled on the chicken leg and opened the door: What's the matter?

I glanced around the room and saw his two old buddies drinking and guessing boxing.

5 Last night, my husband and I went to bed after taking a bath, and when we slept in a confused way, I suddenly felt that someone had locked my neck, and it felt like a hug, and I struggled to the death, and finally woke my husband up. My husband let go of me and said that he dreamed of fighting with thieves, and I was sweating at that time, and I could still be in danger of my life this year!

6 The turtle that my mother-in-law has been raising for 50 years actually lays eggs, and I did not hesitate to steam it for my 5-year-old daughter to eat. After steaming, the daughter leaned back against her back and tasted it with a serious face. Her husband asked her if it was delicious? The daughter nodded and said: Delicious. I swallowed and asked: What does it taste like? She said solemnly: Male egg flavor... My husband looked grumpy: But I still don't know what it tastes like!

7 Later, his wife came to me, and it turned out that she had looked at the WeChat of my mobile phone and returned the money to me. A few years ago, the first time I went to my wife's house, her family came to a lot of relatives, noon dinner, after eating I just stood up to prepare the separation table, the result is not how to stand steady, the foot slipped to the table, all the faces buckled into the plate containing braised meat, it is really embarrassing... When my wife brought a towel to wipe her face, I listened to my mother-in-law say: Xiao Sun loves to eat braised pork made by my aunt, next time I will make it for you to eat, like you even want to nibble on the plate is a little bad!

8 Last night I went to eat barbecue, and when I finished eating and left, I felt stuffed with my teeth and felt all kinds of discomfort. There happened to be a small black car next to it, so I walked over to the mirror of the car and opened my mouth to take a picture. I didn't expect that there was really a piece of meat stuck between my teeth, and I looked at the car window closed, thinking that there was no one, so I grinned and looked in the mirror with my hand. At this time, there was a burst of children's cries in the car, followed by a sentence: Son don't cry, that's a person...

9 I went on a business trip with the hostess, and when I came back, the lady was pregnant, and she fired me, and I was furious, so I found the boss. The hostess said. Do you know why you were expelled, I said I don't know, didn't I buy milk powder for the child? The hostess said no, why do others send you a happy one next time? After saying that, he threw the beer lid on my head. Heck, now people know what kind of force this is. There was no way but to look for a job. Find a factory, the security guard will not let in, there is no way but to say to the security guard: I came to find the daughter-in-law, the security guard said: Who is your daughter-in-law, say the name I am sure, just next to the list of excellent employees in the factory, I casually read a xxx. Then the security guard took the baton and began to beat me: She is my daughter-in-law, what is your relationship with my daughter-in-law. Then I was kicked out.

10 As the only boy in the health school, once during physical education class, the sun was too big, causing heat stroke to fall to the ground, and the girls in the class saw me and ran to me to treat me. At this time, some students said: Let's stop arguing, line up. Everyone began to line up in an orderly manner, and after the first female classmate kissed me on the mouth, she was pulled away by the second female classmate and said: This method is wrong, I will show you.

Then, kissing me again, pressing again. As a result, the girls in the back queue saw it and said impatiently: It's time to go to the next one, otherwise he will wake up. After changing a few more female classmates, I finally woke up and said to the first girl in the line: Classmates I am already fine, don't bother you. At this time, the female classmate slapped me a few times and knocked me unconscious: No, you are not good. Heck, I'm too hard.

11 When a scientist goes to the market to buy two experimental subjects, he stops at a stall selling monkeys. The scientist pointed to a monkey and asked: How much does this monkey cost? The vendor said: Five thousand dollars, please do not question the price, this is a monkey who can only write program code. The scientist pointed to another and asked: What about this? Vendor Answer: Ten thousand pieces because it is a website engineer! The scientist asked the third monkey. The vendor said: This only sells for 100,000 yuan, and his skill is... Honestly I don't know what it's going to be, but those two guys just called it the boss!

12 On the bus back to my hometown, there was a young woman holding a child in the car, and it was very dangerous to look at it shakily in the car. The brother sitting next to the young woman ignored it and played with his mobile phone indifferently. I looked at it for a while, but I couldn't help it, and went up to grab his collar and scolded: Do you understand what it means to give up the seat to a passenger holding a child? The brother was obviously impressed by my arrogance and trembled with excitement to give way. The young woman saw the smiling face and thanked me directly, I smiled and responded, sitting on the seat and saying to her: Come, I will help you hold the child!

#Funny# #搞笑段子 #