This is the truth behind children's boredom.
Source: Yin Jianli Parents Academy
Parents 985 master's degree, attend a school with a 70% rate, continuous tutoring resources from an early age, learning questions must be answered...
Children who grow up in such an environment, not to say that they are stable in Tsinghua Peking University, should be no problem.
However, the child has become a "scum" who is tired of school.
Don't say one, three books can't pass the exam, and it's good to be able to mix until you graduate from high school.
Even if he doesn't study well, he is still a bar spirit, he raises the bar with his parents every day, and his father is angry twice and has a heart attack, and the quick-acting heart-saving pill has become a standing medicine.
As soon as the video of the mother complaining about the scum son came out, it was immediately on the hot search.
According to the mother, there are no expectations for her son now, as long as he is safe, healthy and happy.
I have to say that her words stabbed many people's pain points.
Someone expressed understanding of the mother: "It turns out that the children of the 985 master are also like this, it is not easy!" ”
Some people also empathize with children: "In the third year of high school adolescence, my mother compared her 985 master's identity with her scum son, and publicly expressed her disappointment, and the child was hurt!" ”
It is precisely because of the different views that everyone has mixed opinions about her behavior.
As an old mother, I first expressed my attitude: emotionally, I can understand the mother's feelings of loss.
But I think there are better solutions to the problem.
It's easy to endorse or condemn a person, but at the same time we can overlook what should be of the utmost concern:
Why is this kind of thing so common? Why do we resonate so strongly? What are the psychological reasons for children's boredom with school?
1
The child's learning becomes the switch of the parent's health
What stings this mother is that the child has not inherited his "bully gene"?
At first glance, it seems to be.
Both husband and wife are 985 masters, with the ability to enter Beijing, to provide superior learning conditions for the children, the result of the son can not go to three books.
The mother, in desperation, accepted the reality that the child is not a bully.
But after watching the video several times, you can see that what hurts her the most is not that the child has no learning talent, but that "his father has been doing homework every day since the first grade of primary school, and the quick-acting heart-saving pill has become a common medicine", and the child is still the "scum" in her mouth.
We are all familiar with this scene.
In Yueyang, Hunan Province, a father tutored his daughter to recognize the "Yuanjiao Points" and taught many times, but the daughter could not tell the difference.
As a result, he was emotionally excited, and as soon as his voice let go, his chin suddenly dislocated and his mouth could not be closed.
You can only go to the hospital for a reset, and the mouth cannot have too much movement for several months.
As for the daughter, it won't or won't.
A father in Shanghai tutored his child to write homework at home, because the child's homework was done in a mess, he was very angry, but he was reluctant to beat the child, and he could only hammer the wall with his hand.
One used too much force, misaligned the two metacarpal hammers, and directly did surgery to hit the steel plate.
The only reward for paying such a "tragic" price is probably: tutoring the homework again, not hammering the wall with injured hands.
A mother in Xiangyang, Hubei Province, tutored her son to do math problems, and as a result, her son was stuck on a problem, and she patiently repeated it several times, but her son still couldn't do it.
She wanted to hit the child in a huff, but before she could do anything, her heart was uncomfortable.
Later, she went to the hospital for examination and learned that she had caused a heart attack due to being too emotional.
The doctor said that it was better to come in time, otherwise there might be sudden cardiac death.
The child will not know, when the mother almost put her life into it.
The above is not the most serious.
A father in Yuanjiang, Hunan Province, has a history of hypertension for more than ten years, he did not suppress the fire when he was tutoring his children at home, he lost his temper, and then he had symptoms of persistent headaches, and he did not recognize some common words in his mobile phone.
After visiting the hospital, he was diagnosed with acute hematoma of the left occipital lobe and multiple lacunar cerebral infarction.
This kind of disease requires hospitalization for treatment, but this father always worries about his child's learning problems during hospitalization, so he often loses sleep and has a depressed mood.
After a psychological diagnosis, he suffered from post-stroke depression.
This father wants to save his life, can only accept the current situation of his child's learning, and he cannot be too anxious.
Later, with the cooperation of professional medical staff, relatives and himself, the condition slowly improved.
I think that after watching these news, a considerable number of parents are heartbroken.
How can other people's children take the initiative to learn without supervision, their own children have to urge, stare, and even have their own heart attack, people still do not care.
Wait a minute!
Learning is obviously the child's own business, and it is normal for parents to worry, but when did it become a switch for parents' health? Children study well, hello I am good everyone, children can not open the trick, any disease can be found.
How can two seemingly unrelated things have a causal relationship?
Next, let's talk about this. You may be uncomfortable, but it's good for you and your child to watch.
2
Parents sacrifice their health
What do you want in exchange?
In fact, according to the logic of parents, this matter is not difficult to explain.
Children learn to either procrastinate, or absent-minded, or do not understand how to speak, seeing that he is not online, he can't help but soar blood pressure and beat faster.
Afterwards, I also regretted that I should not treat the child like that, but the next time I saw him still as he was, I couldn't help but get angry again, and after a long time, I couldn't worry about my health
These words are full of helplessness and heartache, but behind this, the core of the parents' expression is:
Why can't you focus a little bit? Why can't I just talk about it once and understand it? I'm sick for you, why can't you get angry a little bit?
That is to say, parents are using their own emotions and health as chips to demand that their children be obedient and meet their expectations.
Although parents spend a lot of energy on their children's learning, their real thoughts, emotions, and abilities are ignored.
To put it mildly, this is a kind of control of the parents over the child, taking advantage of the child's guilt.
We often say that the love of parents for their children is the purest. In fact, the love of children for their parents is far greater than the love of parents for their children, and their love for their parents is natural, spontaneous, and full of gratitude.
When parents show: Because you are not good, I suffer.
It will stimulate a child's guilt: it is my fault that my parents are so good and I am so bad.
In order to alleviate guilt, the child will use the psychological defense mechanism of "compensation" or "denial".
That is to say, either obey the wishes of your parents, just like ZiYou in "Little Shed", how your mother asks for it, you do it yourself.
Either he doesn't agree with his parents' behavior, like Yang Yang in "Little Joy", whatever his father wants him to do, he just won't do.
Obviously, no matter which way the child chooses, it is not out of his own true will.
It is precisely because of this that on the issue of learning, children feel more: parents love me conditionally, and they love me who learns well.
If learning is given such a meaning, learning becomes a painful thing for children.
Guilt and pain cannot become the inner motivation of the child, and may be able to harvest a child who is "studying hard" for a short time, but this is an illusion, and its hurt lies in the heart and its harm is far away.
Teacher Yin Jianli said: "Education is a matter of 'settling accounts after autumn', and the poppies planted will not produce cherries. ”
The child's "regurgitation" will come sooner or later.
Boredom is only their fastest and most direct resistance.
3
Good expectations, how to get good results?
Why?
Before answering this question, let's first look at a statistic made by Professor Xu Kaiwen, Doctor of Clinical Psychology, Deputy Director of the Mental Health Education and Counseling Center of Peking University, and General Supervisor:
Peking University freshmen in the first year, including undergraduate and graduate students.
Among them, 30.4% of the students hate learning, or think that learning is meaningless, please note that this is the winner of the college entrance examination battlefield, thousands of troops and horses.
Another 40.4% of students believe that there is no point in living a life, and that I am now living only according to the logic of others, the most extreme of which is to give up on myself.
(Professor Kevin Tsui)
A graduate supervisor told a true story to Professor Kevin Xu.
One of his students doing research is always problematic, very pediatric problems. The mentor talked to him and asked him why these problems were happening, what to do?
This student was the first to come in in the written test, and he said, "Teacher, then I will repeat the mistake I made a hundred times." ”
A graduate student who made a mistake in scientific research would correct the mistake by "copying it 100 times" has to be said to be a bit bizarre.
But it seems to be a necessity.
When a child is controlled by his parents, driven by anxiety, pressure, and fear to learn, to compete, and to excel, he will not cherish his own value from the heart, and he will not be self-disciplined and positive.
Think about it, if a person does not know what he is, what his dreams are, what his freedom is, can you expect him to develop himself according to his talents and abilities, and a steady stream of vigorous driving force will emerge in his heart?
Obviously, no.
Now, let's go back to the problem of school weariness.
Are children tired of learning?
No, he is tired of demanding himself by his parents' standards, tired of meeting his parents' expectations in order to get love, and tired of being so miserable that his parents don't know it.
Their inner boredom with learning actually reflects the anger of not being seen by their parents, and subconsciously wants to regain their parents' unconditional love and understanding by giving up learning.
You see, from this point of view, school aversion is not a problem of whether the child learns at all, but a problem with the relationship between parents and children.
Understanding this, the child has the possibility of change.
4
So, how do you translate this into concrete life and bring about practical change?
The autologous psychologist Kohut proposed: "Affection without temptation, determination without hostility." ”
"Affection without temptation" is, to put it bluntly, unconditional love.
If parents let their children feel that they can only get love if they meet their expectations, then that love becomes a temptation. No matter what children do, their first thoughts are always: whether their parents allow it, whether they like it or not, whether they are happy or not.
With this kind of thinking, the child has no way to develop according to his own wishes, and does not have the opportunity to see his own value.
After that innate potential and vitality are imprisoned, the child will not really love learning, or even anything in the world.
On the contrary, if parents let their children feel that all their emotions, feelings, and thoughts are unconditionally accepted by their parents, they will exude a sense of determination to cherish themselves from the inside out.
When the vigorous vitality can flow freely, children will have the motivation to study hard.
And "resoluteness without hostility" means that parents must give up control of their children.
Many parents expect their children to have excellent abilities, a good future, and will do their best to provide a better education for their children, but often consciously or unconsciously in different ways to control their children's future.
For example, "I am a master's degree graduate, you better be too", "I have paid so much for you, you must give me a fight", "I don't care about you, what do you love to do"...
As a result, the controlled child loses the opportunity to grow up on his own and cannot become an independent, complete, and powerful person.
Fromm said, "Of all loving relationships, freedom is the most important. ”
Allow the child to do things according to his own wishes, allow him to do not do well enough without blame, so that the child's potential and motivation will not be destroyed.
As teacher Yin Jianli said in "The Most Beautiful Education is the Simplest":
"If a child has a good relationship with his parents, he will not 'go bad' and will not commit suicide.
Because on the one hand, parents are the best psychological support for children, on the other hand, parents' attitudes towards children profoundly affect children's attitudes towards the world.
A parent is the whole world of the child, and if the child is disappointed in his parents, he is disappointed in the whole world. ”
Let go of anxiety, let go of control, quietly be his booster and umbrella as your child grows, and listen to the most beautiful music of life.