Parental divorce is never the "root cause" of hurting children. What hurts children the most is the rupture of the parent-child relationship after divorce.
Author | Summer article source | Boy Pie Original a year ago, a colleague divorced. Before the divorce, every time I saw her son, I was bouncing around, with a naïve face and a lot of words. Recently, when I saw her son again, I found that he had lost a smile on his face and had become reticent. Colleagues can't help but feel that the impact of parents' divorce on their children is really too great. Yes, the broken marriage is the fault of both parents, and the child becomes the bearer of the mistake. The recent hit "Little Minjia" also verifies this.
01
Parents divorced
The most hurt is always the child
Xiao Min, played by Zhou Xun, divorced when his son was 6 years old. After the divorce, Xiaomin went to Beijing alone. His son, Kim Ka-joon, has been living with his grandmother. In the past 10 years, Xiao Min not only rarely went home to see Jin Jiajun, but also had very little communication with Jin Jiajun. Although Dad and Kim Jiajun live in the same city, they do not do business all day, idle, not only never managed Kim Jiajun, but also often accused their mother in front of Kim Jiajun.
After dad failed to invest, he even hid Jin Jiajun's ID card and asked him to give up his studies first and work to pay off his debts.
In such an environment, even if Jin Jiajun has a tall and handsome appearance and sprints to Tsinghua, he still becomes sensitive, inferior, and painful, living like a "pain literary male protagonist". Psychology says:
"The generation of emotions is based on needs, and the need to be satisfied will produce positive emotional experiences, and vice versa will produce negative emotional experiences."
Dad should have been Kim Jia-joon's reliance, but instead became a drag on him. His mother, who was supposed to satisfy Kim's desire for love, became an untouchable pain for him. Therefore, when parents divorce, the one who hurts the most must be the child. Remember the singer Wang Jie, known as the "Melancholy Prince"? At the age of 12, Wang Jie's parents divorced. In order not to be affected by their respective lives, the parents sent Wang Jie to boarding school. Since then, my parents have never seen Wang Jie again. Every holiday, the parents of other students would bring good food and drink to the school to visit their children, only Wang Jie hid alone like an orphan.
A strong sense of loneliness, grievance and abandonment made Wang Jie become more and more silent and gloomy. After becoming famous, Wang Jie once said sadly in the show:
"My mom and I are terrible, terrible mother-son relationships.
My dad and I are strangers, and we will feel very embarrassed when we meet on the set.
However, whenever I see a family reunion, I am very envious.
Because it was something I longed for as a child, but I never had an experience. ”
There is a saying that children who are nourished by love can be as bright as light. The love of parents is the source of confidence and happiness for children. Only children who have been well loved by their parents can emit the light and energy of love.
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Let the child hurt the essence
It is the rupture of the parent-child relationship after divorce
In this drama, Chen Zhuo, played by Huang Lei, is also divorced. But Chen Zhuo's daughter, Chen Jiajia, has the opposite personality to Jin Jiajun. A dialogue between them in the play is even more vividly reflected in the different personalities of the two people. Chen Jiajia asked Jin Jiajun very easily and naturally at the dinner table: "When did your parents divorce?" Kim Replied slightly embarrassed, "When you were 6 years old." Chen Jiajia joked: "The same is the fallen man of Tianya, when my parents divorced, I was only 7 years old, and I was a year later than you." ”
Jin Jiajun was a little silent, and Chen Jiajia continued to ask, "When your parents divorced, who did you talk to?" Don't say it, I'll guess. Surely not with your mom, but with your dad? It seems that it is not, you should be with your grandmother or grandmother! Kim Wase-joon remained silent. Chen Jiajia asked him to guess who he was with, and he said coldly: "I don't want to guess, I don't bother to guess." Chen Jiajia ignored Jin Jiajun's coldness and asked herself: "I was with my mother at the beginning, but I was annoyed with my mother, so I followed my father, so I followed both of them." ”
Kim commented on only one word: "cow." Chen Jiajia asked Jin Jiajun anxiously, "Who are you talking to?" Jin Jiajun replied in a somewhat indifferent tone, "I don't follow anyone, I wander." ”
In the face of their parents' divorce, one of them can "laugh and talk about the past", but the other can only "swallow the pain into the stomach". One seems to have "never been hurt", and the other seems to "never get over this hurdle". Remember what Michael Horton, an expert on children's issues, once said:
"Although children are born with different temperaments and genes, the family environment can help shape and consolidate the way children behave."
That is to say: in addition to the difference in temperament, the reason why the personalities of the two children are very different is also the difference in the family environment. Although Chen Jiajia also grew up in a divorced family, she never lacked the love of her parents. Her mother is a rich mrs. Kuo, who not only responds to Chen Jiajia's needs, but also tries to please Chen Jiajia. Good-looking clothes, favorite bags, limited edition trend toys, as long as it is Chen Jiajia likes, the mother must be generous.
Chen Jiajia failed the college entrance examination, and her mother tried to plan the future for Chen Jiajia. Chen Jiajia took the interview exam, and her mother was pregnant, so she had to insist on waiting for Chen Jiajia to come out at the door.
Her mother's love not only gave Chen Jiajia great satisfaction in material terms, but also made Chen Jiajia always believe that "even if her mother remarries, her mother still loves me." Compared with mom's thick lines, dad's love for Chen Jiajia is more delicate and inclusive. As long as chen jiajia can be happy, whether Chen Jiajia wants to live in her mother's house or wants to spend her birthday with her mother, her father fully respects Chen Jiajia's wishes. Dad is not only a "caring nanny" who takes care of Chen Jiajia's life, but also a "friend" who talks nothing with Chen Jiajia, and even more a "bodyguard" who bravely comes forward when he sees Chen Jiajia being bullied.
Maslow once said:
"For children, the need for security, belonging and love is all obtained from their parents and loved ones."
The love of her parents for Chen Jiajia has given Chen Jiajia enough security and sense of belonging. This is why, despite her parents' divorce, Chen Jiajia can still grow into a happy, sunny, healthy child. Therefore, the essence of letting children get hurt is not the disintegration of the parents' marriage, but the broken parent-child relationship. I remember that Teacher Zhang Jin once said that there are five states of parent-child relationship: rupture, acceptance, liking, worship, and belief. Among them, "rupture" is the saddest parent-child relationship. Parents are the only ones that children cannot choose. Parents' love for their children is the nourishment to ensure the healthy growth of children. The formation of each child's personality is closely related to the way their parents treat them. Only children who are fed by love can be cheerful and confident, full of security, and have happiness.
03
Regardless of the relationship between husband and wife
Please don't hurt your child
Some time ago, I saw a very sad news.
At the end of October in Tianjin, the night temperature was almost 0 degrees.
A homeless little boy, sleeping on the roof of a car on the side of the road. Enthusiastic people in the community wanted to send the little boy to the welfare agency, and after understanding it, they learned that the little boy had a family. The little boy's parents divorced, and the little boy came home and his mother did not open the door. The little boy had nowhere to go and had to live on the streets.
Netizens have condemned: "Parents' fault, why let the children pay?" Yes, parental divorce is already an unfortunate thing for children. It is more unfortunate to let the child become the bearer of the parents' mistakes than to be unhappy. None of us can be sure that we will always be happy, but we can certainly do it: no matter what the relationship between husband and wife, we must be the best parents for our children. Even if we encounter difficulties, remember these three sentences: 1. Don't let the grudges of the previous generation become the invisible shadows of the next generation. In "Little Joy", Qiao Yingzi's parents had a very bad relationship after divorce. Qiao Yingzi's mother, Song Qian, is not only hostile to her father and does not let her father see her daughter, but also often forces Qiao Yingzi to take sides. Qiao Yingzi, who loves her mother and father, does not know how to choose, and she is physically and mentally exhausted in the "battle" between her parents.
The psychiatrist says:
"Divorce is not the biggest problem, the relationship between parents is bad.
The denial of either parent to the other is, in the child's view, a denial of oneself. ”
Deeply. Parental divorce is an option. But children have no choice, they only have only one parent. If parents wrap their grudges against their exs with the relationship between themselves and their children, let the child become a tool for the two to blackmail each other, or use the child as a garbage can for their own emotions, or try to denigrate each other in front of the child, this will make the child's heart full of trepidation, uneasiness, confusion and doubts about themselves. So even if the husband and wife no longer love each other, it is still the common responsibility of parents to protect the child's soul from harm. 2. Even more terrible than a parent's divorce is endless quarrels. A four-year-old child once compared a heart with his two hands, and then said to his parents who always quarreled: "My left hand represents my mother, my right hand represents my father, and this heart represents me." You are always quarreling, and this heart is broken. "Parents quarrel endlessly, children are miserable. They will always pay great attention to the emotional interaction between their parents and judge whether their home environment is safe. Parents avoid quarrels in front of their children and learn to communicate with love, so that children can be nourished by love in the family. 3. A healthy parental relationship is better than a good parental relationship. The poet Philip Larkin said:
"They hurt you, your father and your mother, although they didn't mean it, but they did hurt you."
The happiness disguised by parents is like a tightrope that will break at any time, not only trembling themselves, but also letting the child bear great pressure in this tense, dangerous, and fragile relationship. Children want real happiness, not superficial happiness in disguise. Instead of letting the child worry about the family atmosphere and live like a year, it is better to let the child continue to be loved in a healthy and reliable parental relationship. The quality of parents is not whether they are single parents, but whether the role of parents is good or not. A high-quality single-parent family is far better than a bad two-parent family.
04
Written at the end of the article
Keigo Higashino once said:
"Many children with parental perfection end up living an unfortunate life.
Whether a child is happy or not does not depend on whether the parents are both. ”
Indeed it is. The integrity of the family is not the standard for measuring whether the child can grow up healthily. Whether you can create a sustainable, loving family environment for your child is the key to your child's physical and mental health. As long as the parent-child relationship is not broken with the rupture of the husband and wife relationship, the child is not hurt in the smoke of the parents, as long as the love and attention that the child needs is given, our children can grow to the sun.