Ph.D. in Psychology, Peking University: Truly confident children are never "boasted"

Author: The main creative group · Little Tomato

A few days ago, I happened to see a story told by Li Songwei, a doctor of psychology at Peking University.

He has a 9-year-old daughter. When he sent his daughter to learn to swim, he found that her daughter was very afraid of water and could not learn how to learn.

The more the coach told her not to be afraid, the more counterproductive.

He was distressed: how could he make his daughter confident and overcome her fear of water?

He recalls that at first, his daughter was not so afraid of swimming, but after several choking and correction by the coach, she became more and more afraid.

"If I say to my daughter 'Come on, you can' or 'Come on, you're great,' she may suppress her fears for a while;

But soon when she saw that others were swimming better than her, and her gestures were wrong, she would only be more anxious and fall into the cycle of constantly choking water..."

Therefore, Li Songwei did not encourage or praise her daughter, but quietly told her a secret:

"Everyone has to be afraid 100 times to learn to swim, you are afraid a dozen times now, and you can learn it if you are afraid more than 80 times."

As a result, her daughter quickly overcame her fears, learned to swim, and was comfortable in the water like a little dolphin.

Why is it so amazing?

The reason is that after the daughter's fear is accepted, it is reconstructed, and when she knows that "fear" is a normal thing, the reaction is different.

As parents, we all hope to raise a child who is sunny, confident and not afraid of setbacks.

However, if you want to cultivate a confident child, you cannot blindly rely on praise or encouragement.

Try these 4 communication skills to help your child regain confidence.

Empathetic communication

Once in the park, I saw a group of children playing football next to a mother and son watching.

The little boy obviously wanted to play with them, and the boy's mother offered to let him join them.

But the little boy was embarrassed to step forward, and the mother was very impatient: "Manly husband, what is there to be shy!" ”

Finally, the little boy's face turned red and he cried out loudly.

There is a word in psychology is "common feelings", that is, I see where it is difficult for you, what your behavior habits and study habits are, and I help you solve problems.

A shy and introverted child, you say, "Kid, go dating", he has a hard time doing it.

Only by squatting down, understanding him, and knowing where the child is difficult can parents help him take that important step.

I remember one time, my son was working on a math problem and he didn't come up with it for 2 hours, and he sighed there.

When I heard it, I immediately walked over.

After I understood the situation, I first expressed understanding: "Let my mother see your problem, don't say it, this problem is really difficult for third-grade children." ”

Then empathize: "In fact, my mother was very bad at mathematics when she was a child, and even the chicken and rabbit learned it in the same cage for half a month, and you are much better than me." No hurry, let's take our time. ”

After the son listened, his self-esteem was greatly comforted, but he took the initiative to continue learning and must overcome this difficult problem.

In fact, the focus of empathic communication is: understand the child's difficulties, help him build steps, and then help him do it.

When you stand in the child's perspective to experience his feelings, the child can naturally feel your care and understanding;

Not only will the parent-child relationship be more harmonious, but the child will also make great strides in trust and understanding.

Empowering communication

Many children, once frustrated, their confidence is greatly reduced, and it is easy to be slumped.

The focus of empowering communication is to help children improve their self-efficacy and make them convinced that "I can do it", thereby generating confidence and courage in the face of difficulties.

First, we must teach children to face failure squarely and correctly attribute success or failure.

Just like the dialogue between teacher Li Songwei and her daughter, it not only catches the child's fear, but also allows her to look at failure with a normal heart, so as to plant the seed of "I can" in the child's heart.

My son has always been good at math and can score above 95 every time.

As a result, at one point, he only scored 84 points, and the whole person was sullen.

I took the paper to help him analyze: "This time the questions are obviously more difficult than the previous ones, and there are many question types that you have not touched, and it is normal if you can't do it, not a problem of your ability." ”

After listening, a smile reappeared on his son's face and he regained his former confidence.

The second is to give children specific, sincere and high-quality encouragement.

Encouraging your child regularly does make your child more confident.

But relying only on simple encouragement such as "I believe you can" and "you can do it" is difficult to give children the belief that "I can do it", and it will also increase the pressure on children.

What children really need is concrete, sincere affirmation, also known as "high-quality encouragement."

Gu Ailing's mother never asked her daughter to strive for the first, but told her daughter that she only needed to challenge herself.

At the age of 13, Gu Ailing participated in the professional open for the first time, fell hard and was frustrated.

But my mother gently patted her back and said, "You are 13 years old compared to so many adults, I am proud of you." ”

So, she can withstand hard workouts and injuries, get up again and again, and keep getting good results.

Empowering communication will allow children to learn to affirm themselves and build a stable sense of self-confidence and self-efficacy.

Guided communication

Last summer, I took my kids to an outdoor summer camp.

There, I was particularly impressed with an 8- or 9-year-old boy.

Other children are still twisting and grabbing the hands of adults, and he has quickly mingled with his friends.

When he encountered problems during mountain climbing and hiking, he was calmer than adults, quickly analyzed the situation, and found a solution;

Later, I observed the boy's chat patterns with his parents and found that they rarely asked the child to follow their ideas, but mostly in a guiding tone:

"You're going to try this?"

"You'll plan tomorrow's trip later, right?"

In fact, if you want to raise a confident and capable child, parents may wish to change the tone of commands and requirements, and make good use of guided communication.

For example, children are often asked these 3 questions in life:

1. "What can you do about this?" ”

Allow children to have a variety of ideas, whether they are naïve or mature, you can discuss them with your child, and do not rush to criticize.

2. "What choice would you make?" ”

After the reasonable guidance of parents, the child will understand certain consequences and make corresponding choices, parents should respect the child's choice and let him judge the reasonableness of his choice according to the consequences.

3. "How do you want me to help you?" ”

When the child asks his parents for help, parents show support, if the child wants to rely on his own ability to solve, parents must also agree, which will help improve their ability to solve problems.

The more respect for the child and the right to choose, he can get more opportunities for self-development and become more independent and confident.

Slack communication

I have seen many parents who have high hopes for their children since they were young, and what they often say in their mouths is:

"You want to get ahead and win glory for our family."

Or "You need to come on!" Mom believes you can! ”

He thinks he is encouraging his child, but he pierces his child's heart all over his body.

Because for children, the encouragement blurted out by their parents is actually giving them too high expectations, "kidnapping" them to keep moving forward.

The word relaxation has been particularly popular recently, and everyone may have heard it.

Relaxed communication is to use words to convey love, trust, and acceptance to children, so that children's hearts are full of security and hope for the future.

Xiao He, a senior in Hunan high school, once had an unsatisfactory test score, worried that he would not be able to pass a book, and his mood was very low after returning home.

After her mother found out, she did not encourage her like ordinary parents: "Come on, mom believes that you will definitely be able to get a book!" ”

Instead, he comforted her warmly:

"It doesn't matter if you can't take one book, you can also take the last two, as long as you are healthy and happy."

After listening to his mother's words, Xiao He's nose soured, and tears flowed out.

Not only did she release the anxiety and uneasiness in her heart, but she was also determined to regain her strength and prepare for the next exam.

In fact, instead of blindly encouraging children, we need to do a good job of children's love gas stations.

For example, it can be said like this:

"It's okay, everyone has a bad time, don't take it to heart."

"Honey, you're already great, and you're doing a great job!"

In this way, with tolerance and affirmation, the child is injected with courage and strength to overcome all difficulties, nourishes the child's heart, and builds a long causeway of self-confidence for him.

Child psychologist Adele Farber said:

"Never underestimate the impact your words have on a child's life."

Children can draw strength from their parents' words and face the storms of the future with full confidence and a sense of security.

Language is the best tool for spiritual communication, as long as it is used rationally and affects the heartstrings, it can play a concerto of the mind.

Parents know how to speak well in order to raise confident, sunny and sound children.