Author/Sister Sangsang
Source/Waist Line (yaoxian6)
As the vice president of Xin Shixiang, the originator of cyber marketing, Quan Xixi understands traffic.
She planned a dialogue between Peking University women's dormitory and feminist scholar Chizuko Ueno, the label of Peking University elite + marriage and childbirth + feminism, and the itch + pain point + G point of the Internet was stewed.
Everyone knows about the dialogue rollover, so Sister Sang will not repeat it.
If it is to be backward compatible with traffic, it is not impossible to actively reduce intelligence, but when everyone watched Quan Xihee's previous conversation video, they found that there was a historical background to raise this level of question.
For example, before marriage, it was agreed that Dink did not want children, but after 4 years of marriage, her husband repented, in order not to let her husband cheat, give birth.
Another example is "my husband wants to buy X service", she reflects not that the man has a problem, but that she has a problem, and agreed to arrange it in advance in the future to ensure that the crackling occurs according to the frequency.
Even Ms. Meng Qiqi, the literary hero of wife literature, couldn't stand it, and publicly stunned:
To be honest, in my opinion, Cai Quanshi is not as good as a housewife. What say does she have in the family? If her husband wants to prostitute, she will provide free sexual services; She didn't want to have children, but in order to tie up her husband, she gave birth; In this way, in other ways, will she have a voice?
We scold Cai Quanshi, not because she is married and has children, but because she shows the values of "women should fully meet men's sexual needs, reproductive needs and other needs", and her actions to "maintain marriage" have made the whole woman more and more "B-oriented" in marriage.
(Note: Meng Qiqi said Cai Quan's clan, which means that Quan Xi Xi Weibo called himself Cai Quan Hee Hee, and took the initiative to take the husband's surname)
Many people ridiculed her as a "wedding donkey", "a wife", and "Peking University filter broken". Behind these unkind comments, I felt the collective disappointment and disillusionment of Chinese women.
An elite executive woman from China's top university and an annual income of seven figures even needs to constantly show "being small and low" in her life to cater to her mediocre husband. Then the situation of most women at the bottom will only get worse.
What is the significance of ordinary women being educated, broadening their horizons, and taking root in big cities? When you have more opportunities to actively choose your life, you are still mentally trapped in the isolated mountain village of your childhood, and you may still have to live so humble and screwed.
There is nothing more than this to hit the wall in life.
I'm curious, how did she become a "wife" who was so good academically, and what magic did her husband have to make her willing to do this? After watching a video of their couple's chat overnight, I found part of the answer and sounded the alarm for how I should raise my daughter.
According to the worldly point of view, Quan Xi's husband is not worthy of her in any way. However, they are a natural match at the level of the psychological subconscious and the level of value exchange.
Quan Xixi himself studied all the way, ranked fifth in the province in the college entrance examination, and went to Peking University with 656 points, and his career was smooth.
And her husband repeated the college entrance examination for three years, 500 in the first year, 500 in the second year, and 530 in the third year.
My husband's family is also relatively poor, and when he was in junior high school, his father had a car accident and amputated his limb while working in a foreign country, and the family could not even pay for the travel to Shanghai to take care of him. In high school, he carried pickles and rice as food rations every week, and when he went to college, he survived on student loans and food delivery.
He is a fan of Quan Xixi public account, participated in a reading club held by her at the end of September 2015, confirmed a relationship in October, and got married the following year, and the progress was very fast.
The first impression I had when this husband chatted was a bit similar to the legendary "scissor man". Both ability and intelligence are average, but they are usually good-looking, good at providing emotional value, and stable and optimistic. They have a lot of love, and peach blossom luck has always been good, but only when they meet women who are N grades higher than their own value, they will go to the best of life and decisively enter marriage.
The scissor man knows the difference between short choice and long choice, and is born with a "noble lady's life".
Quan Xixi's description of her husband, and his self-statement, also confirmed these intuitions of mine.
The first time I saw him, Quan Xixi felt that appearance was his own dish, and it had the genetic value brought by appearance.
He is also very experienced in love, knows how to get along with women, and has emotional value.
This kind of peach blossom luck makes him feel comfortable in his feelings, forming a seller's market and holding the initiative.
When he proposed, he said he cried sadly. It is not the feeling of entering a new life, but "I lost the opportunity to find the next one, and the cost of finding the next one suddenly became very high." ”
(Sister Sang saw that there were small question marks here, and she thought about divorce the moment she proposed?) how dare you？ ）
But what I admire is that he can speak very calmly about his motives, he can bluntly let his wife know that he may be cheating, he is considering finding a miss, he pays attention to his physical and mental feelings, and does not want to please any listener at all. In a relationship, the side who doesn't care always wins.
Are there any obvious advantages for this kind of man? His self-confidence, self-consistency, and sense of relaxation are simply the soul of China's anxious elite women.
When she breaks down and breaks down outside, she can go home and be glued back piece by piece by her partner, and the next day she is a complete self again. A woman who is no longer short of money will cherish this unquantifiable value.
The psychoanalyst Baion once proposed the concept of a "mental container", which refers to the tolerance and holding of a person's emotions by external objects.
If you did not experience this kind of unconditional acceptance in childhood, then in adulthood, in various relationships, you will be looking for this container all your life, and you can fully see yourself and accept yourself.
The feeling of owning a container is something that most people have never had, including Sister Sang herself. Because most of us grew up similar to Quan Xihee, and we have not experienced unconditional love.
The feedback we receive is usually that you're loved because you're good and good, and if you're a loser, you're going to let everyone down. We ourselves grew up in this way, and unconsciously transfer such "pickiness" to children.
From this point, I can fully understand why Quan Xixi would be so obsessed and submissive to her husband. Because he is the panacea of her native family, and sometimes a spiritual teacher, not only accepting emotions, but also proposing solutions for you.
Once such a container appears in life, the broken self can be reshaped in it, and when confused, it will play a guiding light, regardless of the other party's hardware conditions, who can bear this temptation?
Quan Xixi also talked about a few things that moved her by her husband, and you will find that to please a woman, in fact, you don't have to spend too much money, the key is to be careful + atmosphere.
She said that the mattress given by her previous landlord was not good, and there was a spring exposed that was a bit prickly. Her husband found out, so he silently went to buy a second-hand mattress and changed it for her. When she lay in bed at night, the person was melted by this double softness.
When Quan Xixi got off work, he would pick her up at the door, and then take out a peach from behind and give it to her, these details made her feel that the marriage was very happy.
Although other men can buy a cartload of peaches for the money of a bag, the effect is often not as good as a hairy peach.
The relationship bound by material will only make oneself into the role of a provider, and the masters are all advocating attacking the heart without a single soldier.
Of course, such a routine may not be useful for every woman, and the threshold for everyone to be touched is different.
But women who lack love and are not confident, but whenever a man with a heart shows a little warmth, they will moth to the fire, because it is the dim fire of acceptance, and it is tried and tested.
Quan Xixi is powerful in all aspects, but her confidence does not come from the heart, but from the evaluation of the outside world. The outside world is something that cannot be controlled, so she will always be trapped in a kind of uncertainty, but her husband can provide a kind of stability.
She was taught as a child to work hard and reach the top of the pyramid. Walking down the street, her mother would say to her, "Everyone on this street is richer than our family, and our family is the poorest, so you must study well." ”
Take her to visit a university in Beijing and tell her: "You are not only studying for yourself, there is a family behind you." ”
She naturally feels guilty about enjoying and relaxing, "as if if I don't work hard, I'll drown." ”
In her life experience, there are only studies and exams, life is connected by one goal after another, more than ten years after the end of the college entrance examination, she is still living with the mentality and rhythm of the college entrance examination, and she has never felt real happiness in life.
She said something similar to her mother-in-law, envious of the unconditional love she could give her son.
In fact, I think that this lack of conditions may be precisely because there are no conditions. Dad is disabled, mom has to be busy supporting the family at that time, it is impossible to force the child to work hard every day like many parents, but retains the child's own original vitality and self-drive, which belongs to the crooked beating.
Therefore, his ordinary and confident and her excellent and inferiority are seamlessly stuck together, and what is presented to the public is an incomprehensible but innate couple. Quan Xixi's sense of "wife" does not come from the material provided by the man, but from the psychological attachment to the "container".
Children who grow up in "free-range" will not have anything to do and judge themselves are not good enough.
Children who grow up in "picky", no matter how good, will always be humble on the outside and attack on the inside.
When I was a child, I once passed by a couple pulling a scooter, and my parents said to me, "If you don't study hard, you will pull coal when you grow up." Your husband pulls in front, and you push and shout coal in the back! Although it was a joking tone, the fear of the future was buried deep in my heart.
Until I became a parent, when I once yelled at homework, I also said to Nimo in anger: "You don't study well, do you want to go on vacation to Disney when you grow up?" You have to work in a fast food restaurant all year round! ”
After speaking, I realized that some ways of thinking and family culture are passed down like genes.
If I can't try to cut off this reincarnation, then Nimo will one day say the same thing to her children.
Chizuko Ueno and Professor Dai Jinhua have had another conversation these days, this time the two have met opponents, and they have profound discussions and reflections on many women's issues, so deep that they dare not broadcast it live.
Dai Jinhua talked about women's "fear of weakness".
Whether it is Dai Jinhua, or Quan Xihee, or ordinary us, we have more or less felt this inferiority and self-denial that is full of life, and under this fear, we push ourselves away from the weak, thinking that there will be an antidote to the spire. As a result, generations of women have taken fear as a driving force for life to move forward.
A successful woman must have power, money, and a career like a man, and the more thoroughly femininity is erased, the more respected she is in society. But few people have questioned the definition of strength and weakness, and the rules of winning and losing have always been made by others.
Quan Xi's husband will smile and say that he didn't feel that he was on the second book, and Quan Xi Xi took the Peking University exam because he climbed her. The college entrance examination is actually not so important, and there are many times in life.
Even if he lost the socially accepted competition, he won again with a new rule set by himself.
Although I can't get into Peking University, I can still make Peking University graduate with a look of adoration, and the idea of chicken and baby is not opened all of a sudden.