Source: This article is excerpted from the "2023 3rd "Mingde Zhihe" Haidian District Family Education Forum
Written on the front:
On April 22, 2023, the 3rd "Mingde Zhihe" Haidian District Family Education Forum, hosted by Haidian District Women and undertaken by New Oriental Family Education Research and Guidance Center, was grandly held in Zhongguancun Exhibition Center.
The well-loved and famous host and actor Mr. Ni Ping attended the scene and launched a wonderful dialogue entitled "Thoughts on the Concept of Family Education in the New Era" with Mr. Zhou Lei, director of the New Oriental Family Education Research and Guidance Center, and Associate Professor Ding Yanqing of the School of Education of Peking University, which attracted applause from the audience.
Transcript of the conversation:
To be particularly frank, I may be a mother who has just passed, because the role of mother has no ceiling, and you can't do enough to do anything.
I was almost 40 years old before I had my son, and after having this child, I had the feeling that I could let go of anything. But in the process of parenting, I realized that sometimes too much effort is counterproductive. Looking back carefully on the journey of accompanying children, I think I have done the right thing in this regard.
First of all, I believe that more important than learning is character. The first is to cultivate his goodness; Then cultivate him to be tolerant and tolerant of others; It is also necessary to train him to be brave and be able to bravely say "I was wrong" in anything, including facing his mistakes; Train him to be able to care for others, think of others, and have others in his eyes; And honest character. These are the background colors of life, learning is after these aspects, don't be so demanding in your child's scores.
I have a conclusion, he has done the previous several advantages, and it is natural to learn. Children also have cognition, when he works hard and bravely challenges his weaknesses and humbly learns from others, he sees others learning well, he sees that his classmates love to read, he sees that his parents are reading, he really doesn't have much to do in learning. Every child learns well.
I think that the greatest love of parents is to raise your child into a reliable and honest person, and your child must be a particularly popular person in the future.
Adolescent children are addicted to games, and I don't fight or scold a move uniform
I've also used tricks in educating children, and I don't know if it's right or not. But sometimes it's better to go the other way around.
One day, I was called to school by the principal and told my child to help others play games and earn money. Then I came home and found out that he was really hooked on the game. At two o'clock in the middle of the night, the bathroom flashed. I pushed open the door and saw him sitting on the toilet and hitting.
I came up with a way to stop drinking harshly, but told him that it hurts his body, but my mother especially understands that you like to play games, and we won't go to class from tomorrow.
And ask his son to sign it, promising that he will not regret it when he grows up. And tell him the consequences: if you don't attend classes from the second year of junior high school, your education will stay here forever, and you may not be able to earn money, eat good food, and drive a good car in the future.
We made a schedule together, except for eating and resting, the rest of the time was spent playing games, how long we could play. With this method, I especially believe that he will not be able to last for three days.
On the first night of sleep, the son asked, "Mom, do you think I can do this?" You still like me, don't you? ”
"Of course, you love games so much more than you love your school and your classmates, and we see that you do have talent in this area, so mom let you choose your own path."
The next morning, he asked me if I could go to school at 3:30 p.m. to see my classmates.
I said, "Don't you dare go." How much classmates envy you, they still have to study, read, but also have to learn skills, go to the stadium to play football, let's eat, drink and have fun at home, this has a bad impact on classmates. ”
In the evening, his grandmother gave him an eye massage, and he cried inexplicably, complaining that his grandmother was too hard. I thought, good, after two days of accumulation, I started to panic, the game was also very tired, and the console was still very small at that time.
I felt that it was almost the same, walked over and said, "Grandma is in her 70s and almost 80s, how difficult it is to give you a massage, do you have any complaints?" And Grandma may be a little heavier than usual, because she considers that you are so tired of your eyes, so she presses you more. ”
"Okay, so will you still get up tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock for dinner?"
I said, "So what time do you want to get up?" ”
"Then it's early, I'll go to school first to see if my classmates have arrived."
I said, "It doesn't matter to us until we arrive, we won't go to that school again." ”
……
On the third day, we could see through the crack in the door that my son was playing absent-mindedly.
He begged to see his classmates. I said, "If you really want to think about any classmate, I'll come to our house to see you." He said a whole bunch of names.
After school, I invite my classmates over for a hamburger. As soon as the classmates entered the door, they hugged warmly, as if he had returned from the battlefield.
Later, because they wanted to go home to write homework, they all reluctantly left.
My son asked me, "Mom, then they do homework, and I don't write homework all the time?" ”
I said, "Of course, what homework you write when you play games, who will give you approval, you won't be new (knowledge), it's all old." If it's really okay, you just read the book. ”
"I don't understand a lot of words and many words in that book, so how can I understand it without the teacher's education?" The homework last time was not completed, so I will make up for it in the next two days. ”
I said, "Why don't we make up for it?" The make-up class is for the teacher to test you, let's not make it up. ”
"How can I do it without making up?"
My son doesn't usually cry much, and he cried twice in those three days.
On the fourth day, he got up in the morning and packed his bag and wanted to go to school.
I still told my son, "No. My mother still wants to donate this schoolbag to the disaster area, such a good schoolbag, so many books, it's a pity to put it at home. ”
"Can't donate, this is my bag!"
I saw that it was almost the same, so I told the child, "Actually, I understand you very well, I think so, is it possible for the two of us to reach an agreement, or to go to school." As for the game, you can only play it during summer vacation and winter vacation, now give this to your mother, your mother will take care of it, and it will be given to you on the first day of vacation. ”
The son suddenly burst into tears, and hurriedly said, "Okay, okay, okay." ”
This method is quite flexible, sometimes parents do not know what to do, you can try. (Applause)
Be sure to respect your child's hobbies, I have made the mistake of being "too greedy" in the past
As a mother, I have a lot of regrets.
I wanted to make my son strong in willpower, and in the future society he had to be on his own, so I let him swim and found a particularly good coach, the coach was very strict, he said, if not ruthless, he will never learn!
How ruthless is it? As soon as you kick into the pool, the child struggles up, and the coach presses into the water to hold his breath, not letting you come up when the time comes.
At that time, he had just entered elementary school, and he came back crying and said to me, "How is my mother coach treating me badly." I said, "You are a man, why doesn't he do this to others, he is good to you..." I said a lot of things that I regretted, and such words made him accumulate a lot of grievances. The son is quite introverted, and then he stopped talking, but he has not forgotten it so far.
Later, my son told me that he suddenly had a special sadness. He said: "My mother can't understand me, but the hurt in my heart, that is, the moment he kicked me, I didn't want to come out again, just stayed inside, but I couldn't hold it." "I really regret this because I didn't explain to him once that the teacher was wrong. Every child's personality is different, and I was able to suggest to the teacher a different method that suits my son.
Although the coach was optimistic about my son at the time, saying that he could enter the professional swimming team in the future because he was large and entered the water twice as fast as others. Later, I carefully asked my son if he would like to become a professional athlete. The son replied, he will not choose this in his life!
I was just a little bit mentally aware, but I hadn't thought much about it yet. It wasn't until he was studying college in New York in recent years, when he gained a new understanding of life during the pandemic, and he mentioned swimming again, that I realized how deeply it had cast a psychological shadow on him.
Because his father especially likes music, his son began to learn piano at the age of 3. We found teachers from the Central Conservatory of Music to teach at home. After entering elementary school, even if there is a lot of homework every day, I practice for 3 hours a day. The teacher who taught him said that his hands grew well and his musicality was good. Parents especially can't stand such praise, and immediately feel that their children are special, in fact, they don't know that their son doesn't like it, but they are forced by us. Until one day the teacher came to class and couldn't find him.
The teacher waited for an hour and a half and left. As soon as the door was closed, the son climbed out from under the bed, and he stayed in it for more than two hours, not panting or moving in the small space.
I was in tears: "Son, we won't be practicing from tomorrow." ”
My son is especially grateful to me for this. In fact, parents sometimes can't be too greedy, and I made the mistake of "too greedy" in the past.
My son likes ores, he likes insects, all the stones in the world, you ask him, she knows it all, all the books in the family are also gemstones and insects. What he chooses to do in the future is mainly based on his passion. Looking back, I asked him to learn what he didn't love, and I thought it was okay, what I lacked for him to learn. Now parents make mistakes on "comparison": Why do you play the piano? My classmate's kids played very well. Why did you let him go swimming, isn't that what everyone should do?
My son later talked to me in depth. He said, "He felt that the world was where the strong forced the weak to do anything. I said, "Do you think your mother loves you so much?" He said, "Exactly!" No matter in terms of age, or your momentum, your qualifications, your position, you are the strongest, you are 40 years older than me, how can I compete with you? ”
We know that the child is really not as simple as we think, on the one hand we say that he has less cognition, on the other hand, he has all the things in life, but it is not perfect, and then the parents are net help.
Don't dress your children too much, don't let them be "warm to the point of ignorance"
One year, my son signed up for school and went to Hong Kong Disneyland to play in the summer, 8800 yuan, I didn't look out for it, I just didn't think it was useful to him, because other similar parks have all kinds of play facilities, almost.
I said, "Take you to a particularly nice place, which is the village of Shuilongkou, where I lived as a child." ”
The son refused at first, saying: "I don't want to go, it's full of mosquitoes in the summer." ”
I said a word, and my son agreed: "Will ants in the countryside be different from those in the city?" ”
My son has a characteristic that he likes to study small animals, including ants, and all the children's books in the family are related to animals. That's what drew him to it.
Life in the countryside is very happy, originally agreed with my little cousin to go to the countryside for 14 days, but he stayed for 40 days and was reluctant to return.
When I asked him why he didn't come back, my son described life in the countryside: in the morning, my uncle and grandfather called them up for breakfast, at noon they stirred gluten sticky, went to the river to fish for fish, and my grandmother fried fish for them.
The summer in the countryside was hot and there was no air conditioning, but he didn't feel bitter at all. He said, "Mom, why don't I sweat at all when I'm standing there so hot. Looking back, my uncle and grandmother kept fanning me, and when I finally left, I said goodbye to my uncle and grandmother, and my uncle cried, and I wanted to cry too. ”
Later, the child wrote a lot of essays, all related to the countryside. He said that the peanuts on the top of the mountain were planted in this way, because our family's peanut field was halfway up the mountain, and they would carry buckets from the river to the mountain to water it.
In the autumn, my second uncle sent us a large packet of peanut rice, saying that this was the peanut that the tiger had watered.
The son said that this was the fruit of a good harvest. Then he distributed the peanuts to everyone in the family, as well as his classmates, and proudly told them that this is the peanuts I planted.
Although we didn't go to Disney, it's not a pity at all.
Many people feel that our generation of children cannot endure hardships, and their parents have done everything for them. I said, we wear too much for our child, or mentally, he actually needs a "cotton jacket". Our grandparents, grandparents, parents and parents draped him infinitely, really don't blame the child, he doesn't know what warmth is, whether others should be grateful for giving him. Because they all call out to him, his cognitive value has not yet reached this age, knowing that this is warmth and this is heat.
My son is 24 years old this year, and he will gradually increase in all the processes of his growth. People should think of their relatives, of others, of labor, of that they are not born with everything. I tried to restrain myself and didn't wear clothes to keep them warm to the point of ignorance.
These are all my shares with parents. Now parents, if you are 100 points, I may not even have 60 points. Believe that you are the best, you are all young, it's nice to be young.