"I became friends with my ex-wife's husband": Divorce without resentment is a kind of cultivation

01

Divorce is like a tearing war, knife and knife to death

Many people's divorce is like a tearing war, and finally the bottom pants of human nature are torn clean, since they want to be separated, who talks about love and who suffers losses, the result is that both people are exhausted, stabbing each other, knife and knife to death.

Strange things in divorce, saying it can make people drop their jaws.

When a wife talked about her divorce, she had completed the divorce procedures, but because of the conditions, the two people still divorced and did not leave home.

When drying clothes, there was no drying of each other's clothes, and as a result, I was scolded by my ex-husband angrily: you are not allowed to sleep in my bed, and you are not allowed to use the furniture I bought.

At that moment she looked at the man with red eyes with fear, and only the thought of running away was left, afraid that he would continue to do more terrible things, which would hurt herself and her young children.

Then the next day I immediately bought a tent and a sleeping bag, slept in it with my children, and never touched the bed again.

Not only has getting along after divorce become an embarrassment, but the tug-of-war negotiations before divorce are also a big problem.

A wife said that because her husband cheated, I cried and made trouble, redeemed, and finally completely dead to him, decided to divorce him.

But whenever I talked about divorcing him, he would play the game of running away from home, disappear for several days, hide from me, and after a while see my thoughts disappear and come back.

Such a day hangs on me, neither can I live a good life, nor can I leave well, all of which force me to rudder.

Douban high-scoring movie "Bohemian Rhapsody" has a plot, the male protagonist divorced his ex-wife, but became a lifelong best friend, in the "save life" concert, the ex-wife with the current husband, together to cheer him up.

This is more like the story of Faye Wong and Li Yapeng in the movie version.

Why do some people make divorce a tearing war, while others can continue to be friends after separation?

02

Different states determine different postures at the time of divorce

There is a key question here, is divorce a sharp brake on the unresolvable relationship problem, or is it a calm face after seeing through the irreconcilable relationship problem?

If it is the former, there are still many loves and hatreds between each other, can not be dissolved, can not speak well, malicious speculation on each other and can not believe, these dark energy stuck in it, two people are chaotic, pulled, the so-called calm treatment, relying on repression, can not suppress the fire, a little thing can become the fuse of two people.

This is a mutual ugliness in relationships. You must know that when a relationship no longer has a sense of security and is facing disintegration at any time, each other has become the biggest enemy of the other party, seeing each other's small actions, making malicious interpretations, and then meeting each other with knives and soldiers, which is the human nature that people show in order to protect themselves.

It's more like using divorce to resolve irreconcilable contradictions in marriage. The divorce war has evolved into the same version of thousands of marital conflicts, but the material for the quarrel has changed from the original marriage to the sesame green bean thing to divorce.

If it's the latter, the biggest difference is that they are calm with each other. We have loved each other, looked forward to each other, disappointed, resented, tried to struggle, and finally we gave up and accepted that the other person is a different person, the other person is not the person I need, and I can't be the person the other person wants.

We can't continue to make changes, give each other happiness, but also accept each other's fate, we take this relationship as a stage of our own life, treat each other with our hearts, and then put it down, leave no regrets, and then calmly accept the reality that the other party is our ex-wife and ex-husband.

Two different states of two people determine different postures when divorcing.

03

Breaking up without resentment is a kind of cultivation

There is a kind of partner counseling whose purpose is to break up well.

Two people do not seek to reunite, but to mourn and miss the end of the relationship together, and then leave each other without resentment, to draw a happy end to this time, rather than taking the other person to put countless knives in their hearts and leaving, and then spending a longer and longer time licking the wound a little bit.

I've heard people describe that feeling to me.

She said that after the divorce I felt like an empty shell, I didn't expect us to be reunited, I knew it was a scarred place for me, but the separation didn't make me happier, I just threw myself into the crowd laughing and laughing, listening to the paradoxical comfort of my friends.

Their exhortations made me more tired, because I saw a reality soberly:

No one really understands me, they don't know what I really care about. But I knew that they were for my own good, so I forced myself to pluck out everyone's kindness, and then responded one by one, and the province was said to be ignorant of people's hearts.

But in the dead of night, I wonder, what is the meaning of my next life? I can make a lot of money, have my own career, and go anywhere to enjoy life, but who am I living for and where am I going?

More importantly, after so many years of marriage, I feel that I have been degraded to nothing, and when I run out of divorce every day in my head, he will go crazy and shout to me, saying that I have not contributed a little to this family over the years, it is all him who is putting up with it, if it is not for the children, he would have divorced me a long time ago, saying that he did not love me for a long time, and did not have any feelings for me.

At that moment, I felt like I was being trampled under my feet, my heart was broken, I couldn't fight it, I couldn't imagine the words spoken by the man I had kept for more than ten years and wanted to spend my life with.

Each of these words was like a pinprick, stabbing me all night in pain, I never had insomnia, but after the divorce I couldn't close my eyes for several days, and when I closed my eyes, he would run out and chase me.

It took me a lot of effort to slowly get out of this marriage, but I knew clearly that in this life, I could hardly trust a man, and I no longer dared to take out my heart to show the other party, and the fear of my heart being trampled on was like a scar that I might follow me for the rest of my life.

Compared with the impact of the failure of a marriage on a person, it is also painful to leave without a good separation, with regret and resentment, and a stain that can no longer be erased.

04

More important than starting a relationship

Learn how to end a relationship

I've always felt that ending a relationship is actually a very important ability, even more important than the ability to start a relationship.

Because we are all prone to face the beginning and reunion happily, but it is easier to separate and part, end a relationship into the cold palace, feel that these are too negative, to pay too much price, so delay, refuse to face, the result is a chicken flying dog jump, hastily separated.

It is not so much that marriage is the graveyard of love, but rather that it cannot be properly separated, which is the real graveyard of a relationship. Because of a bad ending, the relationship is finally fixed on hatred, and finally all the beauty and warmth, once the dedication of each other to each other has been erased.

Ending a relationship well is the most honesty of yourself, the fairest conclusion to the other party, but also to let yourself put down, end the front edge, and face the next relationship, you can lighten up.

How do you end a relationship? The end of the relationship is equivalent to the death of the relationship, to do a death farewell to the relationship, I can provide you with a reference version, if you are facing this problem, you can directly take it and use it.

Dear ***:

This is probably the last time I'll call you that. I was very sad in my heart, because I cared about our relationship, but in the end I had to go to this step that we didn't want to see.

I used to really love you, but I don't know whether it's because my expression is wrong, or what reason, my love is difficult to spread to your heart, I really regret, sorry for myself, paid so much, but did not get a response, also sorry for you, I know you have been waiting, but did not wait...

I'm also sorry, after so many years of living together, I know I'm not perfect, I've done things that make you feel hurt, although I didn't mean it, but it still hurt you, that's the last thing I want to see, but you really feel hurt, which also makes me sad, although it's useless to say this now, but I still want to say sorry to you.

I also thank you, so many years have been with me, although we have quarreled, quarreled, had a lot of disputes and hurt each other, but we are each other's most authentic testimony of life, I have watched you step by step to the present, I have witnessed your happiness, your pain, your struggle and entanglement...

No matter how reluctant we are, we made this choice, I still have to say goodbye to you, I have tried, think about it, I will not blame you, I will not blame you, I will continue to live with the love and efforts we once had, this relationship will become a memory of mine, I also hope that when you think of me, you will feel a little warmth. Thank you for this fate, although it makes you and I scarred, but we have also gained a lot.

Goodbye bless myself and bless you.

In this content, there are basically four parts: love, apology, thanksgiving, and goodbye.

This is a real gesture of the past, and if a person can really say this, then it is really necessary to put down the relationship.

Real letting go will make people feel relaxed, and letting go of hard will make people keep looking back. Of course, before you can say this from the heart, you will definitely experience complex entanglements and iterations.

But no matter what, ending a relationship well is to let the other party have a way to live, but also to let yourself have a way to live.