Talkative people, eat less and lose a lot.
In life, there is such a category of people who "can't talk".
Others fall out of love for comfort, he indifferently says "the next is better, no big deal";
Other people's work pressure complains about life, he explained: "Everyone is like this, patience will pass";
Others poured out their hearts, and he giggled and said, "I didn't expect you to be so pretentious."
Everyone doesn't like this kind of comfort, because not only is it useless, but it also seems that their normal emotions are particularly abnormal.
But what is the problem with such people?
It may not be that they don't want to comfort others, they just don't know what to say, so they wrap themselves up casually and indifferently to cover up their overwhelm.
After all, not everyone will make friends happy, and not everyone knows how to comfort others.
But it is undeniable that when people are depressed, they know how to comfort, can quickly pull into the distance between themselves and others, and are more conducive to establishing intimate relationships.
And if you want to learn to comfort others, it is not difficult.
Observing those who "can talk" in life, it is easy to find that when they comfort others, the reason why they have an effect is because they have done these two things.
01.
Emotional empathy
Once watched a video and was impressed.
When the girl was ready to drive out, she found that the car was broken, so she called her boyfriend, the girl complained that the car was bad and unexpected, and kept saying that she was okay yesterday, how anxious she was, and after the boyfriend listened, he patiently helped the girl solve the problem.
The boy said, "Look at whether the lights are on or not." ”
The girl complained: "I will have something to do in a while, the time will be too late." ”
The boy then said, "First you see if the lights are on." ”
The girl said: "I don't know why it is broken, it is so annoying, I am particularly anxious now." ”
After a few times of this dialogue loop, the boy said in a slightly anxious tone, "Can you see if the lights are on!" ”
Unexpectedly, this sentence directly caused the girlfriend to be dissatisfied, and the girl replied angrily: "If you don't want to help, don't help, I didn't ask you, what are you fierce." ”
It seems that the girl is making unreasonable trouble, and the boy is obviously helping her solve the problem, but in fact, such a result is related to the fact that the boy does not know what his girlfriend wants.
The way of thinking is always different between people.
Some people encounter problems and rush to solve problems, some people encounter problems and want to soothe their emotions first, want to comfort each other quickly, and first understand what the other party wants.
So, how do you understand what the other person wants?
In fact, the other party's complaining words hide the answer, when a person constantly repeats how annoying they are, how miserable, most of them want to soothe their emotions first, comfort them All they have to do is to listen patiently and speak according to the other party's temper.
When the other party keeps repeating what to do, what to do is to solve the problem.
If you don't understand "empathy", if you can't put yourself in the other person's shoes and think of comforting ways according to the other party's way of thinking, you may not be good at saying more.
When comforting a person, the subject is the other party, you must first put down your own ideas, let go of your own views on a thing, can always focus on the other party, the effect of comfort will be better.
02.
Shift your focus
I know that there is a question: the girlfriend is very sad to lose love, how to comfort the tea without thinking about food and not wanting to wash your face with tears every day?
Having said what should be said, accompanied by the other party to blame their predecessors, enlightened the other party, and said that the other party did not show up but did not change at all, this is indeed worrying.
When many people think that they want to give each other a period of self-healing, there is a high praise answer that is still fresh in the memory - then forcibly take her to do other things, travel, go shopping, eat food, send bags, send cosmetics, take photos...
This way, in addition to breaking the money, really works very well.
Because the reason why some people's emotions have not been stable is that they have fallen into the vortex of emotions, not that they want to be sad, but that sadness has become an inertia.
In the beginning, maybe because of something sad, after the emotion continues for a period of time, it will be sad because of sadness, and it is inevitable that you can't get out of the predicament.
An effective way to solve similar problems is to divert the other party's attention and let the other party temporarily forget the current situation.
Zhong Xiaoyang in "Thirty Only" is in this way to comfort the sad Zhong Xiaoqin.
When Zhong Xiaoqin is unhappy because of some things, he will take the other party to play games, watch fireworks, go shopping, and drink. When you're immersed in something completely new, you'll forget your worries for a while.
Although this is not a complete solution to the contradiction, it can effectively soothe the other party's current mood, once a depressed knot is opened, it is a matter of sooner or later.
What I am afraid of is that many people simply cannot find a solution to the problem, nor do they know how to relieve each other's emotions, but will only give each other useless comfort.
The more you say "don't be sad", the more pale it is, rather than the sentence "Follow me, I will take you to dinner".
Therefore, if you really want to comfort a person, empathy has no effect, then learn to divert the other person's attention, and what a person likes to do will not be changed by a momentary emotion.
As long as you can remember each other's hobbies, try to lead the other party to go out again and again, the exit will be not far away, as long as you have a heart, it is really not difficult to comfort a person.
03.
Matthew McKay, a professor of clinical psychology, points out in Gender Techniques that in general, there are two ways to comfort a partner that is harmful to each other's relationship.
The first is that when the partner is angry, he is more angry than the other party.
The second is that when the partner is angry, he has no bottom line to give in.
The two approaches have a unifying feature – they don't make any sense in solving problems or resolving emotions, and even the former exacerbates contradictions.
This is true when you're with a lover, and it's also true when you're with a friend.
Everyone who needs comfort needs an emotional outlet and a solution to the problem, and only if it can divert the other party's attention and help the other party digest emotions, comfort will have an effect.
And those who "can talk", all they do is empathy and shift concentration, and they can do these two things, even a simple sentence of "go shopping", will be more effective than a long talk, and it will comfort the people who are hurt inside.