Today's Gramophone launched the second edition of "Experts Have Something to Say", and we will invite an expert to be a guest program every month to introduce mental health issues to college students and answer questions for students.
In this issue, we are honored to invite Dr. Lin Baojing, a psychotherapist and psychological therapist of the Psychological Counseling Department of the Third Hospital of Longyan City, to introduce the knowledge of college students' love and answer the questions that college students care about love.
An overview of love
Good evening, I am very happy to be invited here to talk to you about love, first introduce myself to you, I am Lin Baojing, a psychotherapist.
Love is an eternal topic of human beings, and a large number of college students will face this beautiful and headache topic. Love can give people great happiness and happiness, but also can bring people endless pain and trouble, and the process of love is often accompanied by various psychological problems. From the perspective of realistic performance, some college students cannot handle the relationship in love, which causes a variety of psychological confusion and seriously affects the physical and mental health development of college students. Therefore, truly understanding love, establishing a correct concept of love, and how to deal with the psychological troubles arising from love have become urgent problems for college students to solve.
So what is love? Love is the most sincere admiration for each other formed in the hearts of two people who have a common ideal of life under certain material conditions and desire each other to become their lifelong partners. Psychologists define love as "a person who is psychologically mature to a certain extent, and has a romantic high-level emotion for the opposite sex.". The famous American psychologist Sternberg once proposed the "love triangle theory", which divided love into three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. The combination of any two of these three cannot become true love, and only the combination of the three is the most perfect love in people's hearts
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Next, let's listen to Dr. Lin's specific introduction to the relevant knowledge of love from nine aspects.
What kind of concept of love should we establish?
1. Promote like-minded love. College students in love should put consistent thinking, common beliefs and pursuits in the first place, and take the beautiful heart, noble sentiments and psychological integration as the first criterion for choosing a mate.
2. Correctly handle the relationship between love, studies and career. Love is beautiful, it is an important part of the content of life, but it is not the whole of life. Love is like a catalyst, it promotes the development of academics, so that through a series of reactions to a happy life. Only when love is combined with classmates and careers, can love have exuberant and lasting vitality.
3. Understand that love is a kind of mutual understanding, mutual trust, responsibility and dedication. Understanding each other is to create a relaxed and happy atmosphere for the individual and the other party, mutual trust is a manifestation of self-confidence, and responsibility and dedication mean the cultivation of personal morality, which is the basis for obtaining noble love. Love is the unity of mutual love, and both parties in love have their own independent personality and spiritual world, and can neither completely attach themselves to each other nor require complete occupation of each other.
4. Love should be serious and emotionally single-minded. Love is an affectionate relationship between a man and a woman. This relationship includes its own unique feelings and obligations, and can only exist between two lovers.
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How do you know if you're really in love with the other person, or if it's just a momentary obsession? In the process of love, it is often "easy to fall in love and difficult to get along with", how to solve this problem?
There is such a sentence that two people in love are too crowded, that is, in the state of infatuation, we tend to impose our inner fantasies and needs on each other, and we do not really understand each other, but only the psychological effect of our own. The basis of this psychological action is what psychology calls projection. "Love at first sight" tends to be more inclined to psychological projection, infatuation, and less persistent. You're already in love with the other person without knowing "who the other person is." Maybe, you just selectively focus on the qualities you want to see, and even have a lot of your own imagination, but you don't actually know the person deeply. For example, when you first meet, you are attracted to the other person's witty humor, so you fall in love, but you don't know about his other qualities. Therefore, we learn to be self-aware when facing this situation and avoid excessive sensibility.
Intimate relationships often face such a dilemma: being close to you hurts, and being close to you is lonely. Two independent individuals, attracted to each other because of differences, love each other. At the same time, conflicts and contradictions arise because of differences. The temperaments and needs of two people may be very different, one loves spicy, the other loves sweetness; One is an early bird, the other is a night owl... There are definitely many different needs, so in a love relationship, we must learn to be considerate and accept each other's needs, and learn to support each other. In love, we must always learn how to get along with each other, we all need to have a learning heart, the relationship will be more stable and harmonious.
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Lost love, how to carry out self-psychological adjustment?
Is the loss of love really as bad as everyone thinks? Indeed, it is a painful thing to give up with someone you like. But if you learn to treat lost love correctly and deal with your emotions reasonably, love loss may become an opportunity to heal yourself and grow yourself. So how should we carry out self-psychological adjustment of lost love?
1. Accept your negative emotions and learn to release them. Sometimes the more anxious you try to get out, the harder it is to let go, and no matter how a relationship ends, you don't have to feel ashamed or angry about your sad emotions. Allow yourself to feel the pain and learn to release it. Don't hold your heart hard, as the saying goes, "plug is blocked, not plugged is passed", learn to release it. Go to a reliable friend and cry, exercise until you sweat, or go back to your room and close the door and cry.
2. You don't have to deliberately avoid your own thoughts. Do you often reminisce about the good times (or maybe the bad times) after you are separated, or can't help but think of each other's appearance and think of their words and deeds? It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if you can't forget it for a while, you don't have to avoid these "thoughts" of yourself. You keep reminding yourself to forget about it, but you find it more and more unforgettable. The more you want to forget, the more you remember. Allow yourself to think about him, allow yourself to occasionally fall into good memories, and don't have to deliberately avoid it. This is also the only way from heartbreak to healing.
3. Don't have to over-reflect and deny yourself. Excessive reflection is easy to lead to self-criticism, self-attack, and it is easy to let the loss of love itself bring secondary damage to one's own psychology. Proper objective summarization is appropriate and also helps to reduce destructive emotions. Proper summarization and reflection can allow us to grow from experience, which is not a bad thing. But excessive reflection in emotions can easily lead us into self-denial and negative effects.
4. When you don't know what to do, leave it to time! "What if I feel sad at the thought of breaking up?" In the process of falling out of love, many emotions are natural nervous system reactions, and there is not much we can do. Try to go back to normal life, accept and deal with the emotions brought about by the loss of love, accept a period of depression, give yourself enough time to digest and release, and all the emotional reactions are just natural without hurting yourself and others. Let time continue to flow, let the neural mechanism slowly adapt to the state of plummeting dopamine levels, slowly build a new pathway, give yourself a little time, time is the real antidote to lost love.
5. Physical health is the foundation of mental health, maintain adequate rest, and ensure the intake of nutrients. When you are sad, try not to use alcohol to hurt your body, and when you are in good physical condition, your mood will be easier to get better.
6. Believe that "it will all pass". It's all going to pass – it's a perfunctory-sounding phrase that does. Think back to a difficult situation that you thought was difficult to overcome, you thought you had fallen to the bottom, you concluded that it was difficult to cross, you felt helpless and desperate. But looking back, did you also find that no matter how difficult it is, it has actually passed, and it is not so difficult, right?
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How to solve the problem of long-distance relationships?
Nowadays, in the love of young people, the proportion of long-distance love is rising, compared with the same city love, there are more difficulties, to bear the pain of longing brought by distance, and there is a person in the heart but not around the lonely loneliness. So how should we solve the problem of long-distance relationships?
Both parties have to face long-distance love with a proactive mindset, when your attitude towards long-distance love is negative, you can easily produce pessimistic thoughts that our feelings can't see the future, long-distance love is not so terrible, the terrible thing is the person's own thoughts. Therefore, first of all, we need to establish a firm belief and positive ideas.
1. Enrich your own life, at the same time, set aside time for each other every day to have your own life, so that you can avoid one person from being too busy and one person from being too idle. Of course, set aside time every day to communicate with each other and listen carefully to each other.
2. Trust, tolerance, understanding of each other, long-distance love because each other is not around, many things can not get a timely and effective response and solution, less suspicion, there are problems and ideas to communicate with each other, do not feel sulking in their hearts, everyone has their own study, work, even if the other party does not reply to the message in time, did not call on time, but also more understanding and tolerance.
3. Take the initiative to pay attention to each other's needs and cultivate common hobbies. Take the initiative to pay attention to each other's needs, listen carefully to each other's real thoughts, not only pay attention to the details of daily life, but also have a spiritual level of communication. At the same time, two people can develop some common hobbies, for example, watching the same movie, the same book, and then communicating on the weekend.
4. Create more opportunities to meet, or create more opportunities to meet each other, cherish the time of meeting, do some happy things together, and inject fresh and beautiful memories into this relationship.
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How should we recognize PUA in love?
PUA, that is, in the name of emotion, controls the other person's heart. Nowadays, the PUA phenomenon in love is emerging in an endless stream, how should we identify PUA?
1. Isolation: Cut off all contact with the outside world.
He will provoke the relationship between you and your family and friends, reduce or even cut off your original relationship network, and gradually plunge you into a state of isolation. At the same time, they will also deprive you of independent social time. The ultimate goal is to make you have to rely on him as your only focus of life.
2. Rule: If you don't obey me, you don't love me.
He or she will strengthen his or her dominance over you by interfering with and managing the details of your daily life. For example, under the banner of "good for you", he will stipulate what you should eat, what time you must sleep, and even what clothes you should wear, what drama you should watch, and what kind of people you should interact with. In fact, making rules is not the goal, the real purpose is to convey such a subtext: if you do not obey the TA, you do not love the TA.
3. Tracking: Like an invisible chain, locking you firmly.
There are many ways to track: maybe it's monitoring your whereabouts, or it's looking at the dynamics of your phone, computer, and social accounts. Under this kind of tracking and surveillance, you will have doubts about even performing normal social activities, worry about whether he will be angry because of this, and worry about causing unnecessary trouble.
4. Belittling: Build your sense of superiority by hurting your self-esteem.
There are many ways to belittle, some are to belittle your strengths, some are to attack your weaknesses, and another way to belittle is to raise yourself. The ultimate goal is to prove how bad you are by doing this, and only by obeying and obeying his orders can you make your life better.
5. Abuse: Destroy your body and will.
In the face of unreasonable demands, if you do not obey, he will use physical violence to force you to submit.
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Is this PUA?
What we've covered above are 5 signs that a person is starting to get PUA. It's worth noting that occasionally there are one or two similar signs that aren't necessarily PUA, but a little more caution is necessary. When these situations arise, you have to examine your relationship and ask yourself a question: Have you become better and better since you and your ta, or have you become less and less confident and less and less bad? A good relationship is about making both people comfortable and both finding their best selves. Conversely, if a relationship makes you less and less self-conscious, be alert.
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Seeing that the person you like is always inconsistent in appearance, the heart is very happy on the outside but pretends to be cold, and can't express his likes correctly?
In the middle of intimate relationships, one of the most important things we have to do is look in the mirror, I love you not because you are cute, but because I feel good about me in front of you, so I am in love with you. So in the middle of intimate relationships, we need to examine how our messages feel to others: "Whether others are good or bad, cute or unlovable." If the message you exude is that others are not good, and you still want others to love you, this is unreasonable. It should be that after I met you, I thought I was fine, so I fell in love with you.
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Why look forward to love, eager to talk about a romantic, sweet love, but afraid of other people's pursuit or express good feelings to others, in the love relationship do not dare to say their thoughts and dissatisfaction to each other, suppress their feelings? How do we overcome this attachment avoidance mentality?
People like this are usually avoidant attachment people, and avoidant attachment people usually desire intimacy, but are afraid that the intimacy will not last, so when others approach them, they will resist and will subconsciously avoid an intimate relationship. In simple terms, they long to be loved, but they refuse to be loved, even if they are extremely eager in their hearts, they will not show it on the surface; they also put on a cold attitude of "I don't need you", and avoid being hurt in their feelings by avoiding it.
1. Appropriately reduce your expectations for love, do not regard feelings too idealistically. You know, love is beautiful, but not perfect, it must have all kinds of problems, no one's love is an exception, we don't need to be demanding perfect love. Perfection is just an obsession, not a belief.
2. Learn to face your own uneasiness and fears, and see your own strengths and values. Everyone will be afraid of not being loved for different reasons, to face this reason is really painful, but if you always do not face it, you will only live forever in the fear that you will not be loved, which love is not good. You must learn to face your own insecurity and fear, and get out of the psychological shadow of not being loved, so that you can see your own advantages and unique values, and you can also give yourself confidence, make yourself powerful, and become a brave person who pursues love.
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I don't seem to be so impressed with him, what should I do? Relationship burnout, what should we do?
In love, relationship burnout may occur over time, which is a process that will inevitably be experienced in intimate relationships. Relationship burnout refers to a relationship in which a person feels tired, or numb, lacks passion, or novelty about the relationship or partner.
When you first started in a relationship, you would do something romantic or intimate to each other and feel surprised by your partner; now that you don't do it anymore, your relationship may no longer be so "romantic" and seem "dull" as it seems. In the past, you felt that you could hardly see your partner's shortcomings, or easily forgive the other person's mistakes; now, you will often feel uncomfortable and bored by some of your partner's behavior, and will argue with your partner for small things. The arguments are constant, and it makes both of you feel tired.
The greatest freshness in love should come from the fact that both parties continue to become complete. For a relationship that continues to grow, those advantages that you have because of your continuous growth and cultivation, and even the shortcomings that you continue to work hard to overcome, can make your partner re-understand you again and again, and sometimes even feel "in love with you again". Indeed, after the dopamine drops, we judge each other more authentically, and our shortcomings are gradually exposed to our partners. But we can also see that each other is constantly changing, constantly improving, and therefore loving each other more. And the love at this time is a more complex and three-dimensional love that filters out simple passion. So, get moving, give yourself enough time to run your own life; also give the other party enough freedom and time to let the other party do what they want to do.
Solve the problem. But this requires the common efforts of both sides, the courage to face the problem together, the attitude of wanting to solve the problem together, and the reasonable way to solve it.
1. First of all, you can tell your partner in advance that you need to talk to him, tell him what you want to talk about, and discuss an appropriate time. This gives the partner more time to think, prepare for this in-depth communication, and avoid taking a defensive approach because the conversation is too abrupt and getting bogged down in endless arguments again.
2. Second, start a conversation where both parties are in a comfortable state, and in the process of communication, you need to consciously use positive communication methods - for example, directly express your needs, rather than complaining and accusing; use the "I" sentence form ("I feel sad") and avoid the "you" sentence form ("you make me sad").
3. Finally, be patient and don't expect to solve all the problems between you through one communication. Any small progress is worthy of recognition, because it also means that you are still willing to face difficulties together.
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Thank you To Dr. Lin Baojing for the professional guidance and help provided by The Little Dragon People for their psychological adjustment in love! I hope that the little dragon people can learn to love, meet love, have the ability to manage long-term happy love, and explore the infinite love of life with him/her in the beautiful flower season.
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This semester, the Student Psychology Center continues to provide counseling services for everyone, and provides 24-hour hotline services for students who are isolated and observed, if you have any troubles in life, you are welcome to make a psychological counseling appointment through the "Dragon Courtyard Small Union", or go directly to the Psychological Center, where there are professional psychological counselors waiting for you.
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