In the TV series "Thirty Only", Zhong Xiaoqin and Chen Yu have reached the point of divorce, but judging by "breaking up and looking at personality", they are definitely good people
：
When she divorced, Zhong Xiaoqin did not want a house at all, it was a fund-raising house for Chen Yu's unit; Chen Yu said that Zhong Xiaoqin also repaid the loan, and the house deserved half.
Even though he had been divorced, after learning that Zhong's father had a sudden heart attack and was admitted to the hospital, Chen Yu still rushed to the hospital and promised to hide the divorce...
Why do such good two people still go to the point of divorce?
01
Completely different family backgrounds
The family of origin can be said to be like a person's blood: the influence, even determines a person's fate without knowing it
。
When Chen Yu was very young, his father left him and his brother and left, and his mother was alone to bear the heavy responsibility of supporting the family.
In order to reduce his mother's burden, little Chen Yu must learn to understand things and assume responsibilities that do not belong to him.
Once, my brother almost broke a bag of eggs, but Chen Yu was beaten by his mother
burst
Punched up...
In his eyes, the original family is "chaotic", causing only pain, which he is afraid to avoid.
But he did not realize that the imprint of the original family had flowed deep into the bone marrow
He was afraid of being like his father, so he didn't want children; he married Zhong Xiaoqin only because this girl could make his life easy and no longer burden other people's lives—to put it bluntly, Zhong Xiaoqin was an affordable woman in his eyes.
Zhong Xiaoqin is the complete opposite: her parents have good feelings, her family relationship is harmonious, and she was raised by her parents as a princess.
In Zhong Xiaoqin's view, "parents" are equal to happiness and sweetness. Even though she had grown up, she was still a little princess with her parents.
But for Chen Yu, who has borne the burden of his family since he was a child, Zhong Xiaoqin has not grown up at all, and his behavior is too childish.
Zhong Xiaoqin subconsciously felt that she and Chen Yu should be as loving as their parents, and Chen Yu should treat her like her parents; in Chen Yu's view, the two adults should be independent of each other...
In this way, the original family determines their subconscious and behavior, leading to more and more contradictions.
Susan Fowardberg, Ph.D. in Psychology, usa, said:
The spiritual and emotional seeds that our parents plant in our hearts will grow with us
We often say,
Character determines destiny
whereas
A person's personality is very closely related to the way he was raised from childhood, and even the way of parenting can be transformed into an instinct that affects our lives all the time, but it is difficult for us to find
They are all good people, but they are all adhering to the innate and self-righteous way of doing things, no one has compromised, and divorce is inevitable
02
Different ways of thinking for men and women
The once-popular "Man from Mars Woman from Venus" makes us understand that men are a completely different creature from women.
In addition to the influence of the original family, the different ways of thinking of men and women are also adding fuel to the marriage of Zhong Xiaoqin and Chen Yu.
After learning that the fetus had stopped developing, Zhong Xiaoqin was in pain and could not come out.
Although Chen Yu was also very sad, he felt that since the child was gone, he should hurry up and do the operation, otherwise it would hurt Zhong Xiaoqin's body, so he immediately contacted the operation.
But in Zhong Xiaoqin's view, Chen Yu was too cold, and he did not show a trace of pain for the lost child.
Therefore, Chen Yu was also very aggrieved: he worked hard to ask others to work for half a day, and Zhong Xiaoqin was not only not grateful, but inexplicably angry.
Because the child was gone, and because of her dissatisfaction with Chen Yu, Zhong Xiaoqin had insomnia every night, and Chen Yu's grunting sound of falling asleep made her even more irritable and angry.
She brought earplugs, but the earplugs made her very uncomfortable... This is where the vicious circle begins.
However, when she complained to Chen Yu with a full of grievances, Chen Yu unexpectedly said: Since the illness is so serious, you will go to the doctor and send some evil fire to me!
In fact, what Zhong Xiaoqin wanted was nothing more than a sympathetic comfort, but Chen Yu was obviously concerned about how to solve the problem
Some people say,
When arguing, men argue about logic and women argue about feelings.
Two people
Focus
It's not the same at all, so no one can convince anyone. If no one shows weakness, the quarrel loses feelings, and the quarrel loses the home.
Zang Hongfei said in "Strange Story" that you must not quarrel with your girlfriend, one of the points is,
Men like to talk about things, while women like to associate: argue in the way of yesterday, today, and tomorrow
This is why women get angrier and angrier the more they argue, while men still feel inexplicable.
It is because of this completely different way of thinking that many people have divorced.
03
Expectations and mentalities about marriage are different
The reason why Chen Yu looked for Zhong Xiaoqin was because he imagined himself with her
marry
Life is certainly easy and worry-free.
Getting married is more like completing a task for him, and he just wants to stop repeating the life he once had.
All of his visions of marriage were centered on his own requirements and feelings, and he did not consider his wife's requirements at all
For Zhong Xiaoqin, her marriage is naturally a continuation of her parents' marriage: there will always be each other in her eyes
So after marriage, when Chen Yu still paid attention to the fish as before, she began to hate them because they stole the love and attention that should have belonged to her.
In Chen Yu's view, the original gentle and quiet Zhong Xiaoqin had completely changed, stirring up wild entanglements and throwing tantrums.
This is clearly contrary to what he had hoped.
Wu Zhihong said:
Since intimacy is so difficult to establish, some people, especially men, simply give up on intimacy and immerse themselves in a particular area...
This is also why Chen Yu can fight with his colleagues and stay in Coco Xili for 2 months, and when he returns home, it becomes a pool of stagnant water.
Many people say that marriage is the graveyard of love.
The reason why marriage can be disappointing is because when in love, everyone tries their best to show their best side and try to meet each other's expectations
But marriage has left two people without distance, everything is clear, only to find that their "expectations" have been disappointed.
04
04 "Nice guys" divorce also have a reason
1. Lack of communication
Couples who are unwilling to communicate cannot be happy
What makes Zhong Xiaoqin most sad may be that after losing her child, Chen Yu actually advised her to go to the operation like a person who had nothing to do.
But in fact, Chen Yu was as excited as Zhong Xiaoqin at the moment he heard about the fetal heart; the fetus unexpectedly stopped developing, and Chen Yu was also sad and crying, but he hid it all.
Countless misunderstandings in life have thus arisen.
Communication may not solve the problem fundamentally, but at least it will not make each other hold back.
Many times, we start with "communication" and end with a fight
，
The most fundamental thing is that we just want to prove that we are right and that our partner is wrong.
2. Accept each other as they are
After marriage, Chen Yu is still obsessed with fish farming as before marriage, and Zhong Xiaoqin no longer accompanies him to watch fish, but complains that he wastes too much time on fish.
After marriage, Zhong Xiaoqin was still the little princess who had not grown up, but Chen Yu complained that she was not independent.
Too many people have too many fantasies when they get married, and they will inevitably be disappointed after marriage.
Christopher Meng said: "
The first step out of the problem is to accept it as it is
”。
The first step in solving marital problems is to accept the partner as they are, rather than trying to reform the other person.
It's really hard, but you can't kidnap the other person with "If you love me, you should..." because if the other person also uses this sentence to back and forth, how do we respond?
3. Express it in the right way
After Zhong Xiaoqin performed a heroic campaign for Wang Manni, she told Chen Yu that she was worried about offending the leader.
In fact, she just wanted to find someone to talk about, but after Chen Yu listened, she immediately warned Zhong Xiaoqin to be careful in the unit and not to let the unit be expelled because of pregnancy.
His intentions were good, but he didn't feel comfortable listening to them.
What matters is not what you say, but how you say it
。 The best way is to express your thoughts and make the other person comfortable listening.
It may be a good idea to consider the other person's feelings when speaking
Marriage is like a shoe, whether it fits or not is known only to oneself
。 Even luxury-grade shoes, if the old grinding feet, it is estimated that few people will wear them all the time, sooner or later will be thrown away.
Before we start any job, there is pre-job training, but for the "job" of husband/wife, it is directly on the job! When you encounter a problem, it is all used
Assume
The way to deal with it, the results can be imagined.
A happy marriage requires not only a solid emotional foundation, but also knowledge and wisdom