Early in the morning, Wenwen's mother came to ask for help, she said: "Wenwen's temperament has changed greatly, and she doesn't look like my girlfriend at all!" ”
Wenwen is 11 years old, she used to be very demanding of herself, and now the "learning bully" suddenly collapsed, the homework was not written, the grade fell from A to C, she was not in a hurry, she was busy dressing herself every day, and secretly bought jewelry and makeup.
Wenwen's mother said that she had also said it, and scolded and scolded, but the child just did not listen to her set, and could not help but sigh: Where did the obedient and studious girl go before?
It just so happens that one of the consultations I recently received is the same situation, the protagonist is a 12-year-old boy, just promoted to junior high school, primary school is still among the best of him, the grades have plummeted, the relationship with his parents is also very tense, and the two can quarrel at every turn.
In the words of this little boy: "You know to study, you have the ability to learn by yourself, what do you force me to do?" I tried my best, and I was at that level. "It's a drum for mom and dad."
In fact, the child will be 8-9 years old, into the early adolescence, and adolescent children are bored with school, is a particularly high incidence of "childhood dilemma", and at this time the child is in the middle school entrance examination diversion and college entrance examination struggle of the critical stage, once not handled well, it is possible to have no connection with the university.
Why do children become bored with school when they enter puberty? It's not just about rebellion.
Children do not love to learn when they are young, parents can also "hit a stick to give a sweet date", but after puberty, many parents say: "I used all the methods, but he just did not learn." "Why has the good child in our family who loves to learn changed so much?"
Children are learning to be independent
Entering adolescence, the child's first task is to develop an independent personality. They need to control their own lives, learn to make their own decisions, and decide things independently.
If he had met a pair of parents with a strong desire for control, he would not have had this opportunity. Therefore, he can only choose confrontation, and he must start from the "learning" that is always easy to anger his parents, so that if he succeeds, he can show his sovereignty.
The child's priorities have changed
Before the age of 10, the priority of children's work is: first, study well; second, popularity should be good; third, the image should be good. But this kind of prioritization is completely reversed during adolescence.
Adolescent children will put their personal image first, and the popularity among their peers is their second concern, and learning well will fall to the third place.
Because of the change of priorities, children tend to spend more time and energy on things he thinks are more important, girls begin to dress themselves, boys begin to play handsome cool.
This will give parents a sense of surprise, where is the good child who loved to learn before? Why would he care about his bad performance? How come he is not self-motivated at all?
After entering puberty, the top priority for children is to maintain a good image, become a social expert, and gain more recognition from friends. It is precisely because they do not understand this reason that many parents have made the following two mistakes.
1. Persecution into submission
"If you don't study, I will be disappointed and sad, and you will be unfilial!" "If you don't study, you'll be deducted pocket money, and your beloved toys will be confiscated!" "You must learn, don't eat if you don't learn, don't go home if you don't learn!"
These methods are all forcing children to obey, but also a manifestation of parents to control the dominant power, and this will often arouse the child's desire to resist, they will say: "Whatever you want, take anything, anyway, don't try to force me to learn!" ”
2. Reduce requirements
You may hear this advice: "Leave him alone, the grades are not good, he does not know how to lose face?" When he fell to the last place, he knew he had to work hard. ”
In fact, many children are not catching up because they are lagging behind. Most of them lower their requirements, adapt themselves to this state of failure, and even tell themselves: "I have tried my best, I can't get any better." ”
And after the parents "Jiang Lang is exhausted", they will also lower the requirements, they may say: "Okay, but you at least have to pass, right?!" ”
In fact, how terrible this is for a child who is originally capable!
Because the reason for his boredom is to fight against his parents, or the priorities have changed, not "can't do it", lowering the requirements is undoubtedly delaying the child.
To improve children's adolescent boredom, in fact, it is not that the methods have been exhausted, but that we must abandon the methods of childhood and tailor new intervention methods for children according to their new characteristics.
1. Find the reference line
Parents can refer to the "various performances" of their children's previous hard work to find an academic baseline for their children.
Don't say to your child, "Play to your best," or "Do your best." Instead, it is necessary to lay out the previous records.
"In the fall semester of fifth grade, you completed all your homework and achieved an overall grade of A or B. This is the minimum standard we require. If you fall below this standard for any reason, we will supervise you, help you, and keep you at this level. ”
2. Improve priorities
Support children's pursuit of appearance, allow them to spend time to socialize, but also tell them: this time is a critical period for their self-improvement, and children who do not waste their studies at this time will have the ability to self-manage.
Not only can they make themselves beautiful, handsome, and successful among friends, but they can also manage their own learning and make themselves excellent in their studies, so as to win the admiration of more peers.
Make clever use of priorities to make learning a powerful weapon for your child to perfect their personal image.
3. Supervise together
Tell your child, "If your learning continues to improve, I will go to school and talk to your teachers and classmates." ”
Let the child know that we are doing this to be responsible for him, because his boredom is likely to lead to the failure of the middle school entrance examination and the college entrance examination, thus affecting the direction of his life. We are defending his future interests.
In the eyes of adolescent children, school is their small world, in school they need to have their own independent image, and the appearance of parents will undoubtedly destroy his image and make him look like a "child who has not yet grown up".
They will try to improve their learning performance in order to protect their image.
Zhen Zhen summed up
Parents should remember that supervision is to ensure the long-term interests of the child, not to sincerely oppose the child, to pass on this concept to the child.
At the same time, we must also pay attention to the fact that children are tired of school, and it may be because they cannot integrate into the new class, interpersonal crisis, or encounter campus bullying, parents should not ignore these effects, to find the real reason for children's boredom, and then prescribe the right medicine.
Do you have adolescent-weary children in your family? How did you respond? See you in the comments section.
I am @蓁蓁 Psychological Upbringing, your family education instructor, focusing on child psychology research, welcome to follow me.
The image comes from the Internet, such as intrusion and deletion.