This article is transferred from: CCTV
A young mother asked on the Internet in frustration: "I am usually very gentle with my children, and I will not scold my children, why is the child still only close to my grandmother, more repulsive to me, feel that I am an outsider." ”
Many families have experienced these strange phenomena. Obviously, parents have made great efforts to educate their children, but the true heart cannot be exchanged for the true heart, and the child is still not close to himself.
The strangest thing is that the way of education is similar, why is it that their families are always sword-fighting, while some families can live so harmoniously and lovingly?
After taking a closer look at their situation, we found that many families overlooked the following issues.
01 Children are closer to the more powerful side,
But power cannot be abused
In the book "Secrets with Family: Love, Boundaries and Rules", it is mentioned that whoever has more power in the family will identify with whom and think from whose point of view.
But this power must be used properly, otherwise it will make the child feel that he is a tool person and reject communication with parents.
A netizen shared her story, she used to be a very controlling mother, always asking about her child's food, clothing, shelter and friends.
When she was young, her daughter was still very obedient. But after going to junior high school, my daughter became very rebellious and loved to do everything with her.
Every time she couldn't help but chant two sentences to the child, the child always slammed the door angrily and left, making her angry.
Later, she began to reflect on whether she managed too much herself, causing the child to be too rebellious.
She tried to resist the urge to interject. When the child occasionally wanted to snack and wanted to be alone in the room for a while, she also began to let the child decide for himself.
After giving the child some controllable autonomy, she found herself closer to the child, and the child's development was smooth.
Parents with certain powers can attract their children's closeness and recognition, but once the management power is abused, it will push the child away from the parents.
The key to strictly managing children and cultivating a sense of intimacy with children lies in the rational use of parental power.
The use of power varies according to the age of the child. At a young age, more attention is paid to authoritative guidance; when the child has a strong sense of self, the child can be given appropriate free space.
02 Children are closer to people who interact closely with them,
Chen Haixian's "21 Lectures on Family Relations" mentions that children are closer to people who interact closely with themselves and provide emotional needs.
But this interaction must also have certain rules and boundaries, otherwise it is impossible to establish a healthy parent-child relationship.
Friend Ah Jiang was particularly distressed before, because their husband and wife are usually busier, the children are carried by the elderly in the family, and the children are therefore closer to the elderly.
But they do not agree with the old man's parenting method, such as the child's toys have a lot, but as long as the child is in trouble, the old man will meet the requirements to buy him new toys. They are worried that this will make the child only know how to solve the problem by crying later.
After listening to the opinions of experts, they began to communicate with the elderly about the rules of parenting, such as the unreasonable requirements of the child can not be met, and the reading time is arranged for the child every day.
Although the child always quarreled with the family at first, but now he also begins to accept the reality, he also knows that the main things in the family should listen to the parents, and will not find the old man in the family to support him when there is something unpleasant.
After unifying the principles of parenting, they get along much more well with their children.
The closer the daily interaction, the closer the parent-child relationship will be. But this intimacy must be based on certain rules, otherwise love may turn into abuse and education will become empty talk.
03 Children are closer to people who can stably accompany themselves,
But companionship also requires quality
Wu Zhihong's "The Birth of the Self" mentions that people will eventually have the emotional stability of the object.
The sign it forms is that while a person is sometimes nice to you and sometimes bad to you, you can basically be sure that he loves you.
The premise of emotional stability is long-term high-quality companionship.
In the variety show "My Little Tail 2", after a day's trip, my brother asked An An: "Do you like your brother or like your mother?" ”
An An said: "I like my mother because my brother is always away. ”
After her brother seriously accompanied her for a while, An An took the initiative to say that her brother was also very funny and hoped that his brother would accompany her more.
In the follow-up program, we found that although the brother did not spend a long time with An An, the brother's intentions were completely received by An An.
So this two-year-old girl is very secure around her brother and is getting closer and closer to him.
No lasting love is unprovoked, and all feelings need to be watered with heart.
Some people say that companionship is the longest confession of affection. However, the quality of companionship is also divided into high and low, and only high-quality stable accompaniment can form a harmonious parent-child relationship.
04 Do this to bring your child closer to you
To foster a healthy and intimate parent-child relationship, a systematic approach to education is indispensable, and parents can try the following four methods.
(1) Unified educational principles among parents
Unified educational principles are the key to dealing with parent-child relationships.
Only by unifying the principles of education and clarifying who has the final decision on education can children clearly perceive who should listen to in the family, so as to cultivate a stable parent-child relationship.
(2) Family members plan their lives and review together
Every once in a while, family members can do a summary and review together, such as asking the child, has there been anything that has made you unhappy recently? Do you have anything you want to improve next?
Planning and reviewing together among family members can not only improve the child's ability to summarize and reflect, but also deeply reflect and enhance the parent-child relationship.
(3) Let the child do housework with them
A netizen said that the difference between family members and guests is that families can help each other, while guests can leave after eating.
Many parents do not let their children participate in housework, but the meaning of the family is that the children can confirm their value through contribution, and parents and children can become intimate by doing housework together.
(4) Do ritual activities together
When I grew up, I was most impressed by the fact that when I was a child, the whole family took family portraits together, and every weekend, no matter how busy my parents were, everyone would eat together and talk about what had happened recently.
Do ritual activities with your child so that your child can recall the warmth of family even during a temporary separation from their parents.
Cultivating an intimate parent-child relationship requires appropriate parenting methods.
When facing children, it is necessary to be close to them, but also to pay attention to not controlling the children too much, but also to have certain rules, as well as long-term high-quality companionship.
I hope that every parent can cultivate a close parent-child relationship through high-quality companionship.