Author: Yakult (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
Evolution Mom: No woman wants to be called a "superman", what they want more is a family that knows hot and cold, knows how to accompany and share heavy responsibilities.
A hot search on Weibo is really heart-stopping.
The girl said that her mother had liked Deng Lun for many years, and would usually quarrel with her family for Deng Lun, and even ignored her in her difficult moments.
Now that Deng Lun had collapsed, she was very happy and quickly told her mother the bad news.
Originally, the daughter felt that her mother was too crazy to chase the stars, and she was snubbed, and she had some grievances, which was understandable.
Unexpectedly, the reply in the comment area was full of disapproval, harshness, and even condescending looking down at the "mother" group.
"Then let Deng Lun go with her."
"Fortunately, my mother's mind is all on my family."
"Daddy just beat him up."
The voice is crusading, and the arrow pierces the heart, but there is no way to argue.
It seems that "mothers" are not allowed to have independent personalities and moods, and all trivial matters of family members must unconditionally override personal feelings.
"The mind is all at home" is the evaluation criterion for a "competent mother".
I can't help but think of the news that some time ago, my daughter complained that her mother bought more than 800 yuan of capsule coffee machine endorsed by idols.
The family does not like to drink coffee, so the daughter thinks that the more than 800 pieces of money are meaningless, and even break down.
It turns out that the mother's happiness is worthless, and it needs to be put on the scale board to measure whether it can contribute to the family.
In the book "I Shouldn't Have Been a Mother," there's a concept called "motherhood kidnapping," which means that society usually kidnaps women who become mothers with a stereotype, telling them how they should and can't.
Under the long-term "motherhood kidnapping", mothers have changed from individuals to a group, using unified values and behavior patterns to squeeze the freedom and glory of individuals. ”
Moms aren't allowed to "feel like" and just think about "how to be home.".
"The mind should be all at home" is the greatest moral kidnapping of the mother.
The mother of "painters in prison" is both a crown and a shackle
Some time ago, a 29-year-old married mother scored 417 points in the examination, but her family firmly opposed her to studying.
Because of the baby, parents are worried that she will leave the family in graduate school, and from the score, the family atmosphere has been gloomy and solemn.
There was no longer the laughter of the past at the dinner table, and the family bowed their heads and did not speak, sighing from time to time.
The mentor also advised her:
"Your situation is really special, you have to think about it."
Bao Mom struggled with sleep for several nights, and woke up at two or three o'clock in the morning, all tossing and turning until dawn.
Under pressure, she had to give up the opportunity to read, seemingly "relieved":
"I just hope that in the future, when any work is not going well, life is not satisfactory, and children are not obedient, they will not regret today's decision."
Becoming a "mother" makes women proud, but to wear this crown, the invisible efforts and hardships behind them really make them feel helpless and frustrated.
In the traditional sense, mothers should smile, listen, and cook.
It only took the family twelve minutes to put her afternoon's efforts into her mouth, and her mother watched with admiration and satisfaction as the family members devoured.
They can only live in the confined space of the home all day long, repeating the trajectory of the previous day's life every day.
The meaning of the mother's existence is to "strive to make the family better off."
Other so-called life values, personal dreams, are collectively referred to as "blind tossing".
Friends, who recently became new moms, said that before becoming a mom, her bag contained foundation, perfume, lipstick, a beautiful tight skirt and high heels.
Since becoming a mother, I have always been a durable sportswear, a one-foot canvas shoe, saving time to clean up myself and circle around my children.
Everyone else is the sea of stars, and the mothers are and tearful.
"I don't regret having kids, especially when he laughs and says, 'Mommy I love you, I want to be with you forever,' and thinks it's all worth it."
"But when the night was quiet, the whole world slept, only I held the baby around the house, casually flipped through the circle of friends, others are wearing beautiful skirts to travel, eating food 'rolling red dust' life, will also miss their own time of not being a mother ..."
The friend smiled helplessly: "You say, I think so, is it quite selfish?" ”
Unconsciously, the "mom" group has been labeled "selfless and great", so that they will have self-doubt when they consider the slightest bit of personal feelings.
It is awkward for the mother to make demands, it is careful, and it is necessary to prove that she has fulfilled the duties of being a mother.
Once there is opposition, they are always very sensitive, subconsciously withdraw and give in, afraid of sorry for the glorious title of "good mother" given by society, and fall behind a sentence of "not worthy of being a mother!" ”
As it is said in The Choice to Be a Mother:
"Our society is very active in pushing every physically and mentally healthy woman toward motherhood, but also sits back and watches as these women fall into the loneliness and powerlessness that characterizes motherhood. The public, which was originally very positive, will not be held responsible for this. ”
Everyone celebrates "mothers in the candlelight," who are supposed to be "always positive" and will use love sacrifice as an inertia.
This is not only the omnipotence of mythical mothers, but also the objectification of their efforts.
In fact, the exhaustion of the body, coupled with the grievances, anxiety, confusion, and loneliness of various negative emotions, mothers are trapped in an endless cycle.
The "mythical" mother, the sense of sacrifice is ruthlessly ignored
In Wuhan, Hubei Province, a full-time mother who graduated with a master's degree actually heard such ridicule from her son who was still in elementary school:
"I'm so tired from school, and you don't have much to do at home, so why can't you get your clothes done?"
"Don't you just do housework at home?"
It turned out that after the mother picked up her son from school, the son threw away his clothes like a grandfather, and in order to let him develop good habits, his mother reminded him to arrange the clothes.
Unexpectedly, but in exchange for such a "light fluttering" disgust.
Every word is like a sharp arrow, accurately rooted in the most fragile and sensitive corner of mom's heart.
In the eyes of the child, the mother's housework is very easy and worthless, and he has formed the thinking that "the mother should serve me and let me do more meaningful things".
In fact, what the mother wants to do is always divided into very small pieces, and it is constantly repeated, which will make people have the illusion that it is just an effortless "in place".
But even the child who was raised with one hand did not understand her bitterness and dedication, and used a gesture of disapproval and understatement to bring over the mother's sacrifice and compromise.
This kind of mood cannot be described in any language.
Psychological studies have shown that the primitive survival instinct makes people more sensitive to occasional events and less likely to notice the constant and unchanging situations that are always happening.
The efforts and efforts of mothers are often "always happening", so they are easily taken for granted by family members and will not notice.
On the contrary, once their efforts are "reduced" or "missing", family members will be picky and dissatisfied.
So mom often hears things like this:
"Isn't it just with a child, how tired?"
"Others can put up with it for the sake of their children, so you can put up with it."
"I'm so tired from work, you can't even do this..."
Mom is always an obscure "invisible" giver, and all sacrifices are so natural, naturally as ubiquitous as air, and as blind as air.
As The Strange Sayings say in Which Zhan Qingyun said:
"When you emphasize the instinct of the identity of 'mother', you are ignoring the efforts and sacrifices of all individuals, and you are using a set of standards to demand everyone." 」
I heard that God couldn't be everywhere, so he created Mom.
The "mythical" mother is always serving the family, making family members think that they are the center, and her sacrifice is not valued.
Mother's love is great, but mothers are ordinary people
No woman wants to be called a "superman", they want more of a family that knows hot and cold, knows how to accompany and share heavy responsibilities; is a girlish heart, a sense of ceremony, and can do what they like.
Just like every ordinary person.
1, the mother does not have to feel sorry
A mother said that in addition to going to work, she also has to choose interest classes for her children, classes, auditions, massage, interspersed with edutainment and learning...
The little guy keeps confessing every day:
"Mom, I just want to be with you, and I'll cry if you don't accompany me."
But Mom was really tired.
As soon as she thought of her child's dependence, she felt that she did not accompany the child, and she felt ashamed in her heart, and the exhaustion of her body and the guilt of the heart tormented her for a long time, causing her to suffer from depression.
Mothers will be tired, it is normal to want to have independent space, to learn to loosen their own constraints, do not have to feel sorry, after adjustment can be energetic to accompany the child.
2) Don't look down on pure happiness
When the mother is busy with all the trivial matters such as husband, children, housework, chicken and garlic skin, mother-in-law disputes, vegetable market shopping, etc., she may only want to brush the vibrato, shop Taobao, and fill in the pastime of fragmented time.
But there are always people under the banner of "not being motivated", opening their mouths and closing their mouths to "entertainment for middle-aged women", showing an inexplicable sense of superiority.
This makes my mother also have self-doubts, whether she has been abandoned by society...
In fact, every kind of entertainment is a way to connect with society, as long as it can make people happy, it is meaningful, and mothers should not think too much, or even demean themselves.
3. Try to let family members experience the role of "mother"
A father got up early in the morning and opened his mouth and shouted:
"What about rice?" Why isn't it good? ”
Mom smiled and said that she wanted to try his cooking skills today.
Find an opportunity for your partner to experience labor, so that he understands that the meal is not served by robots, and every piece of green onion in the bowl is prepared in advance.
Also try to let the child sweep the floor, wash the dishes, take the bag, insist on him to tidy up the toys after he is tired, the little guy will understand that the room is not automatically clean, it is the mother who silently maintains.
This kind of experience of swapping roles can make family members feel the hardships of mothers more than words.
Once saw such a story:
The new mom was carrying the 4-month-old child full-time, and that day, dad came back and saw the room was messy and the kitchen stove was covered with oil stains.
His first words were not reproach, not questioning, but a slight pity:
"Tired, hard."
It is a very simple sentence, but it makes my mother feel wrapped in love.
In fact, my mother has never been afraid of bitterness, but she just needs a little sweetness.
May every mother have her own little world in addition to home, and will always be treated tenderly by the years.
About the author: Yakult, Columnist of Fushu, Article: Parents Evolution, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement must be investigated, Fushu 2018 launched a new book "Good Life"