"Did you have a good day?" How long have you not asked your child this question?
When your child is in kindergarten, you may also care about whether your child is happy today. When your child enters elementary school, does your focus become:
What did you learn today?
Was the homework done?
How many points did you get on the test?
You care about your child's future, not only want your child to maintain excellent grades and get into a good university, but also want your child to learn more skills and specialties in their spare time.
You have been thinking about your children, have you ever asked your children: "Are you willing to live such a life?" ”
Some parents may have forgotten to ask, and some parents may know their children's answers in their hearts, but they are not willing to follow their children's thoughts, so they simply do not ask.
When parents do not ask their children these two questions for a long time, other godson problems are often derived. Like what:
"Why is it that the older the child, the worse the relationship with me?"
"Why do I want to communicate with my child but are always ignored and resisted by him?"
What kind of impact will the two questions of "are you happy" and "will you?" have on the parent-child relationship?
01
Are you happy?
There used to be a saying on the Internet that was very popular: others only care about whether you fly high or not, and only people who love you will care about whether you are tired or not.
It can be seen that different questions bring people completely different feelings.
Only when people care about their feelings will they bring people the feeling of being loved.
Parents and children are the same, first ask the grades, ask about learning, will only make the children feel that "in the hearts of parents, grades are more important than me."
It is not only parents who will be disappointed in their children, when their expectations of their parents are disappointed, they will also feel disappointed in their parents. The most instinctive expectation of children for their parents is: expect their parents to love themselves unconditionally.
When their disappointment with their parents accumulates to a certain extent, that is, the beginning of parent-child estrangement.
Qi Dahui, director of the China Parent Education Research Institute and visiting professor at Tsinghua University, once told parents in a lecture:
"In the face of children, the first thing parents ask should be 'Are you happy today', not 'Are you done with your homework?'" Asking about family affection first, and then asking things is the right way to open communication with children. ”
In the family, there must be a relationship greater than education. A good education requires a good parent-child relationship as a foundation. If the relationship between parents and children is not good, parents have more life experience and advice to give to their children, and they cannot pass it on smoothly.
Often asking children "Are you happy today" is not only an expression of love and concern for children, but also a manifestation of parents' understanding of paying attention to their children's emotional feelings.
In many families, one of the crux of poor parent-child relationship and poor communication is that both parties pay more attention to content than to emotional feelings.
When two people communicate, 70% are emotions and 30% are content, and 70% of these emotions will play a key role in the communication effect.
Parents who can pay attention to their children's emotions in time and pay attention to their children's emotions can communicate happily with their children.
02
Would you like to?
There are often parents who lament that they are "killed by the anger of adolescent children", but the truth is that in the parent-child relationship, the child is the inferior party.
Even if they are very dissatisfied with some of their parents' words and deeds, there is nothing they can do.
It is precisely because of this natural status advantage that it is difficult for parents to achieve true equality when facing their children.
For example, parents often make a lot of decisions and plans for their children in the name of "I am for the good of the child", instead of asking the child", "Are you willing?" ”
This kind of "dictatorship" is very detrimental to the growth of children and the harmony of the family atmosphere.
A netizen complained about his parents' content on a forum and received tens of thousands of likes from netizens:
Almost thirty years old, the last thing I want to hear my parents say is "Will you?" "It's become my obsession because there are so many neglected and informed experiences.
When I was in elementary school, my cousin came to the house to play with my toys, and my mother directly gave the toys out;
Children are free to choose a prize when they participate in activities with my parents, and I especially like one of the greeting cards in it, which is really beautiful, but my parents insisted that I choose another doll that can walk.
My family is generally poor, but my parents are especially willing to spend money to train me, and give me tutoring classes and various interest classes. I didn't want to disappoint them, but compared to other students, my qualifications were really average, and I worked hard and didn't learn as well as others. I hated that I had worked so hard and couldn't compare to other people's lives, and I felt that I couldn't let my parents down, and I kept pulling in pain.
There are too many such examples, my parents are actually better than many parents, but I have never been close to them, because I have never felt valued. They may value the future of "their children" and pay a lot for it, but that's not who I am.
"Will you?" in a simple sentence, is that there is such magic. It will give your child the feeling of being valued: because I care about how you feel and what you think, I want to hear your opinion.
The child's way of thinking is actually very simple: you value my ideas, and I will pay attention to your opinions.
When parents don't care whether the child is willing to do something or not, don't care about the child's thoughts, when the child has a little ability, they will rebel and take the parents' words as the wind: You don't listen to my thoughts, why should I listen to you?
03
The best education
Some parents ask when asking for help: Teacher, what is the best way to educate?
What is the best way to educate in the world? No matter how good the method is, it can't be applied to all children, all families.
If we must say the best education, it should be love and respect.
I suggest that parents should ask their children more "Are you happy" and "Are you willing", because these two questions represent the love and respect of parents for their children.
When parents genuinely care about their children's feelings and thoughts, the child feels them and responds.
Think back, have you forgotten to ask your child these two questions in your life? If you have ignored it, then from today onwards, replace the questions that annoy children with these two questions.