"Saying what is good for me is simply according to your thoughts, without considering my feelings at all!" Shin Shin shouted at her mother, turned and closed the door, leaving her mother in the living room, at a loss.
This is not clear if this is the first time there have been quarrels, and since Shin Shin entered puberty, such a picture has often been staged between mother and daughter.
After Xinxin returned to the room, she cried alone, and she didn't want to always quarrel with her mother, but her mother's behavior really hurt and humiliated her.
From childhood to adulthood, she heard her mother say countless times that "Mom is also good for you" and "This is also for your good", but Xinxin really did not feel her mother's "good" inside.
When I was in elementary school, my mother signed up for many interest classes for Shin Shin. During the winter and summer vacations, Shin Shin spent the shuttle between this training class and that training class.
When Xinxin didn't want to go, her mother pulled Xinxin and persuaded, "Mother knows that you are tired and hard to take so many classes, but Mom is also good for you!" Without much training, how can you win over others in the future? ”
When she arrived in junior high school, Xinxin wanted to wear her own style of clothes, but her mother still asked her to wear the clothes of well-behaved students.
Xinxin couldn't bear it, and after countless fruitless expressions to her mother, she finally quarreled with her mother, but her mother still said, "Where are those clothes you want to wear look good!" Listen to Mom, these clothes are just right for you. Mom has always been good for you, and she can't lie to you. Hearing her mother's "for your good" again, Xinxin only felt suffocated.
Every time her mother's "good for you", Shin Shin feels that her feelings and emotions have been ignored or even suppressed, and she does not feel the so-called "good", but feels a strong sense of being forced and controlled.
Xinxin is also very entangled in her heart, she understands that her mother loves herself, and she sees the row of parenting books on her mother's bookshelf;
also understand how hard my mother worked to learn to cook just for her to eat happily;
It is also clear that my mother took out the family's savings, just so that she could take a good training course...
But Xinxin didn't understand why she expressed her thoughts, opinions, and feelings over and over again, and her mother couldn't see it, so she had to deny and not support it, and always gave herself the standard she felt was "good".
Love blinds people
Mom loves Xinxin, this Xinxin is also affirmative, and I understand that my mother's "good for you" is really trying to take good care of herself.
But it is also this love of her mother that blinds her mother's eyes, making her unable to see, and even deny and "correct" Shin Shin's true feelings.
Xinxin obviously didn't like the clothes her mother bought, and expressed them many times, but her mother said "No, you like it; I know you, and this is the right outfit for you. ”
Afraid of not taking good care of the people you love, afraid of bringing bad experiences to the people you love, so love in the way you feel is best. It is obviously out of worry and love, but it ignores the true feelings of the other party, and wishful thinking is good to the other party according to his own feelings.
Just like a child obviously likes to eat apples, but the mother gave a box of peaches, and firmly told the child, "I know you like to eat peaches, I bought you a lot, you will definitely like it and be very happy." “
This kind of love is love, but it is also some distorted love, because it distorts the child's true feelings and makes the recipient feel confused and depressed.
Although Shin Shin knows that her mother's love comes from the heart, her feelings are denied, her opinions are ignored, and her thoughts are despised, all of which make Shin Shin difficult, and it is difficult to convince herself that this is a sweet, relaxed, and normal love.
Have you heard such a story?
A couple, during their golden wedding, the waiter served a plate of fish, and as soon as the wife stretched out her chopsticks, the husband said affectionately: "Honey, I'll come." Then, very skillfully and skillfully, he clamped the head and tail of the fish to his wife.
Unexpectedly, his wife, who was very happy just now, suddenly cried silently, and her husband thought that he had moved his wife to cry, comforting: "Honey, such a happy day, don't cry." “
Who knows, my wife cried even harder, crying and saying aggrievedly: "I have eaten fish heads and tails for fifty years, and I don't like to eat them at all." Today is such a special day, you still let me continue to eat. “
As a result, my husband also cried tearfully, "Since we were together, I have given you all my favorite fish heads and tails, and as a result, you..."
Did you find out? Many times, we think that we love each other very much and give each other the best, but we don't know that what we are giving is not what the other person really wants. We are all loving each other in the way we understand it, without noticing each other's real needs and feelings.
Listen to the psychological message:
How to love is a skill we need to learn. Love each other the way they need to, not the way you want.
▎This article is the original article of the center, please indicate the source when reprinting, and the company reserves the right to pursue users without permission.