Intensive reading mother: Smart parents will not force their children to be "other people's children", and will know how to use an appreciative eye to correctly look at their children's personality characteristics and make their children happy to be themselves.
Author:Xiao Xiaowei (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
On the weekend, I took my daughter Yi to participate in the physical exercise experience, the child was in class, and several of our parents chatted casually in the waiting area.
When the child got out of class, I was still looking for YiYi's figure, and Xuanxuan's mother, who had just met, pulled the child towards me and asked him to greet me: "Call Auntie well!" ”
The child was stunned for a moment, presumably wondering why her mother did not ask me about the class, but asked me to greet a strange aunt.
Before he could react, his mother said again: "Why are you so ignorant, so big, and don't know how to call people good!" ”
The child looked helpless, muttered, and cried out stiffly: "Auntie is good." ”
From the child's expression, I can see that the child's heart is struggling with pain, and the greeting I had to say was a task-style perfunctory.
The child was originally four or five years old, and he didn't know me, he had an innate sense of wariness about strangers, and his beloved mother blamed himself for being rude, which was even worse for him.
We were about to leave, Xuan Xuan's mother added: "You see Yi Yi sister is younger than you, more sensible than you, smiling and squinting, really a good baby!" ”
At this time, Xuan Xuan's psychological defense line collapsed completely, and he pursed his mouth and cried bitterly.
In the end, Xuan Xuan's mother coaxed for a while, the child stopped crying, and the storm was over.
Originally, the psychology of children at this age is fragile, and children will also care about what others think of themselves.
If parents force their children to say hello and deny themselves on the spot, the children feel that they are not accepted and become unable to affirm themselves, it is easy to affect mental health, and even have the risk of depression.
More seriously, the child's self-esteem is frustrated and he will not face the thoughts, emotions, and feelings of others in the future.
The emotional damage caused by such a vicious circle will never end.
Why don't children like to say hello
Why don't children like to say hello? Isn't it innate not to love to say hello?
First, not loving to say hello is a manifestation of the child's introverted personality.
Personality is introverted and extroverted, children do not like to say hello, a large factor is affected by their personality.
According to the Swiss psychologist Jung, introverts always tend to get energy from the heart, preferring to think independently and self-reflectively in silence.
So introverted children like to be alone, they have a richer inner world, they are not timid or inferior, just not happy to communicate with the outside world, biased towards self-communication, but does not affect communication and social interaction.
Second, fear of having children is a phenomenon in which children protect themselves.
I remember the female cadre class reunion, Lihua took her daughter who was reading kindergarten to participate together, and as soon as she entered the door, she shouted at the children to greet the aunts.
The child leaned behind his mother, shrinking back, watching strange faces warily.
It is normal for a child to exhibit some degree of "fear of life" behavior, and she is protecting herself.
Because the child's cognitive level develops to a certain stage, it can distinguish between acquaintances and raw people, and there will be a sense of distance in front of the living people.
Third, parents do not lead by example in educating their children.
The Analects say, "If you do not learn etiquette, you will not be able to stand." ”
The meaning of this sentence is that if you don't know how to be polite, it is difficult to stand in the situation.
The polite education of children is not only manifested in their own self-cultivation, but more importantly, in the family atmosphere.
Good family education is imperceptible from the long and the young, educating people to educate themselves first, and parents to do a good job first, in order to set a good example for children.
The educator Rousseau once said in Emile: "True education is not practiced by oral training." ”
Parents lead by example to achieve the polite habit of "meeting and greeting", and the child's eyes will naturally develop good habits.
What should parents do in the face of children who do not like to say hello?
Since forcing the child to say hello will be more and more repulsive, and it is not conducive to the child's physical and mental health, then will the parents let it go?
Of course not, in the face of children who do not like to say hello, you can try the following three tricks.
Method 1: Less preaching, more empathy.
The French educator Rousseau mentioned in "Emile" that the three most useless educational methods in the world are: reasoning, tantrums, and deliberately moving.
From an adult's point of view, greeting is a form of politeness and is a well-known truth.
But in the eyes of children, they do not understand the meaning of these truths in the mouths of their parents, because their cognitive level is still very different from that of adults.
The best way for children to communicate is empathy.
Psychology experts have found that "empathy" is the soul of communication, can empathize, can understand each other.
The first thing parents should do is to look at the problem from the child's point of view, understand and accept the characteristics of the child's physiological development.
Then, tell your child the right thing to do and give your child the time and opportunity to learn.
Method 2: Less negative, more protection.
Generally speaking, elders prefer cheerful and lively children, and for those children who do not like to greet, they will say in a negative tone: "This child is not very good at speaking", "The child is too introverted"...
At this time, parents must not deny their children because of their face: "Yes, he just doesn't like to talk!" "He's so timid" and so on.
For children, unfamiliar occasions and people need a certain amount of time to adapt.
Dr. Sylvia Lorcan once said in Introverted Psychology:
"Please be true to yourself as an introvert, do what suits you and your needs, and you will quietly exert your influence and change the world!"
Parents must stand on the side of their children, protect their children with a positive attitude, and let them do things that suit them and meet their needs.
Parents can answer kindly: "The child didn't mean it, just because he is still unfamiliar with you, and when he is ready, he will say hello." ”
Method 3: Less blame, more respect.
In a children's variety show, the male host stood and asked a child who performed: "What is your name?" ”
Seeing that the child did not answer, he continued: "A child who does not answer a question is a child who is not polite." ”
At this time, the female host of the partner, squatting down, looked at the child parallel, and asked: "I am Aunt Xiao Li, I am very happy to know you, can you tell me your name?" ”
The child replied with a smile, and the program was able to continue.
Parents think about it, if an "alien" who is two or three times taller than you and weighs several times your weight looks down at you and asks you in an unceremonious tone, are you willing to answer?
So the child does not like to answer, how can the parents blame him for not being polite?
With enough love and respect, the child even has the ability to educate himself.
What we should do is not to criticize and accuse, but to give enough respect and patience to wait for him to adjust himself.
Learn to appreciate your own children
My daughter Yi yi always hid behind me when she saw the neighbor's mother-in-law, let alone say hello.
The mother-in-law always said: "Yi Yi is good at everything, but she doesn't like to say hello!" ”
I always smiled and learned to say in a child's tone: "Good afternoon mother-in-law, we are not very familiar with it, not intentionally!" ”
I observed that Yiyi's personality is a bit introverted, belonging to the slow heat type, she needs time to get acquainted with each other, when the other party says a few more words in a friendly way, she will smile and squint at each other, and then let go and communicate.
Generally when leaving, Yi Yi can take the initiative to say "goodbye", and will also give the other party a heart or make a gesture of love for you, winning praise!
This kind of "attacking the heart" parent-child communication not only allows me to achieve the original intention of speaking politely, but also makes the child feel respected, which is a real "win-win".
Each flower has its own flowering period, some bloom early, a little late, each child's growth and development is fast and slow, and fast and slow are not superior or inferior, but the rhythm is different.
Smart parents will not force their children to be "other people's children", but will know how to use an appreciative eye to correctly look at their children's personality characteristics and make them happy to be themselves.
There is a line in the movie "Stars on Earth":
"You don't need to do everything as well as everyone else, you just need to discover the brightest side of yourself, you are a star that is unique on this planet." 」
Near the Spring Festival, the seven aunts and eight aunts gathered together, hoping that your children can express themselves in a way that they like and are comfortable.
Perhaps, smiling is his unique way of communicating.
Author's profile: Xiao Xiaowei, parents intensive reading columnist, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement will be investigated
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