Wen \ Jiang Zuo Mei Niang
01. Import
There is a lyric in the song "Can You Do It":
"Maybe I hit the south wall to turn back, maybe I will die when I see the Yellow River, maybe I want a road to go to the black bar."
Sings the voices of many people who can't be sought in love.
In the comments section of this song, there is such a hot comment:
"I can't remember him, but I still seem to like him."
Yes, many times, the person we like seems to always be that person, even if the time turns, even if he was abused a thousand times at that time, thinking of him, our hearts will still gush a warm current, if possible, we will still step on his thief ship, knowing that this is a road of no return, but we seem to be poisoned by that person, we can never let go of him, never forget...
In "I just want to live this life with you", Wu Zhihong concluded:
Why does love hurt? Because we often can't see the truth of love, always love with the people we fantasize about; because we can't face our own hearts, we always pin our happiness on finding the right person; because we always can't get out of childhood, and we want to relive the beauty of childhood in love and correct childhood mistakes. ”
Yes, in fact, the root cause is in themselves, but many people are completely unaware.
If you don't believe me, please enter a real case.
02. Case (Authorized)
Mei Niang, hello, I divorced once, 36 years old, and later fell in love with a person, although I and him are not in the traditional sense of the door, his family is much better than me, but I think he is true love to me, so even if his parents do not look at me squarely, I still live with him.
He was very good to me, but after living together, he found that he was indeed very scummy, splitting legs continuously, teaching me repeatedly, very similar to my ex-husband, and always did not marry me, although I could not forget his kindness to me, but still could not tolerate his scum, so I chose to break up, before the breakup I was pregnant, after the operation.
Deeply hurt by two beloved men, I once had no interest in men, but life still had to go on, I also enlightened myself to start trying to contact men, during this period there were men asking me out, I met, but none of them liked, one of the men I was very sure that he wanted to develop with me, because it didn't take long to know, he took me to meet his parents, he also announced in front of colleagues and friends that he had a girlfriend, but when he came into physical contact with me, I especially rejected him.
The man was 43 years old and unmarried. I originally wanted to use him to heal my wounds, but then I found that I didn't look up to this man at all, in fact, he was good both in terms of family conditions and work (middle level of state-owned enterprises), however, I just felt that he was not suitable for me.
He once said to me, if I marry you, the people in our unit must be envious to death, you are beautiful, and you have a high education, a high income, plus a good family condition, it is simply the best woman, I know this is praise, but I don't know why, at this moment, I feel that if we are married, that is, the relationship between use and interests, he loves not me as a person, but what I have, but these things can just satisfy his vanity.
After he confessed to me, the next day he contacted the agent to sell his suburban house, and I said, this 2 million are all for you, wronged you, I don't have any money on this little savings, the salary card will also be given to you later, you are willing to buy a new house according to your own likes and funds, I can give you what I can have, you are not willing to buy it, live in your home, the money also belongs to you, I do not go to live in vain (northern men do not plug the door backwards).
I was crying, how I wish it was my ex-boyfriend who was telling me this, not this man. Why is a person who has known me for a few days so eager to marry me, talk to me about marriage, give me a salary card, sell me money, his family also likes me, almost every day let me go to dinner, (I eat the meals made by his parents and hide their secrets that have just been out of traffic) The heart is particularly guilty, I ask this man, don't you mind that I have had such a tragic experience? As a result he said, I understand your pain, and I burst into tears again.
Although this man would love to marry me, I didn't have the slightest urge to marry him. I often ask myself late at night, if tomorrow the scumbag ex comes to you with the real estate deed to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau, will you go with him? If you and this man marry for the sake of getting married and the ex comes to you, will you divorce the ex again?
Whenever I am in this man's home, this man and his parents are very good to me, and the atmosphere of his home still gives me a good, very warm family. I don't know why I didn't choose this simple and ordinary life, maybe because I was unwilling in my heart. Thinking that the scumbag's parents have never looked at me squarely, but they have been reluctant to blacken the former scumbag, and what is even more tragic is that this man who makes me unforgettable, since the breakup, has never taken the initiative to contact me, Mei Niang, what should I do.
03. Mei Niang said
Knowingly, there has been such a topic: what is the sign of the end of a relationship?
One of the high praises replied as follows:
"It's not one of them who decides to leave, it's the one who is still in love who finally dares to admit that the other person won't come back."
Yes, this is the real end, the heart is completely over, the person who can do such an end, can really call it reason and transparency, wisdom and determination, will become a real winner in life, no matter what emotional problems are dealt with in the future, he can smoothly transition and will not lose.
Just like you have recognized the scum of your ex, but you still expect him to take the initiative to find you again, so that you can't let yourself enter the current relationship and put yourself in contradictions and pain. So how do you get to that?
First, abandon the "should."
To take the simplest example, each of us wants others to like ourselves, so when we get along with others, we will uphold the idea that I treat others well, and others should treat me well. Push into the relationship, that is, I love this man, this man should also love me, how I love this man, this man should love him like I do.
But if you think about it, do you think this logic is correct? Obviously not. There are always some people in this world who are good to him, he thinks you are flattering, you are cold to him, he thinks you are lonely, you are lukewarm to him, he will feel that you are impersonal.
Even if you treat him, he will not feel good about you, the same is true in the relationship, you love a man, pour out your heart and lungs for him, you take it for granted that he should do the same to you, but in fact, your attitude towards him is your choice, and his attitude towards you is also his choice, how can you influence the choice of others?
You may ask, I am so good to him, shouldn't he be grateful to Dade? Shouldn't you know the reward? No, it shouldn't! Because love is a matter of mutual satisfaction, not a matter of reciprocity, no matter how good you are to him, he can only give you so much, can only love you so much, this is his choice, you can communicate with him, but if he is bent on going his own way, he will not change for you at all, then you either change yourself to accept him, or worship, to find a lover who is really suitable for you.
In short, you can't influence other people's attitudes towards you, crying, shouting, everything is useless, because everyone has their own free will, how he wants to treat you, in the end it is his business, what can you do to him?
Don't always think about whether you should or should not, how do you treat others, just force others to how to treat you, in fact, in the bones are both paranoid and narcissistic, paranoia is reflected in what you want, the other party must give; narcissism is reflected in, I love you, you have to love me, how is this possible?
So what to do? Please don't forget, you also have the freedom of choice, such as turning away can also be your choice, you don't give up, if you can't do this, then ask yourself, do you want others like this? If you fall in love with a man, the man must marry you, must be good to you? Make it clear that there is no logical connection, the only connection is what you think.
But if you keep saying "yes" to yourself, it's easy to ignore your own problems and just think about putting the blame on others.
Second, find the real medicine.
Lost love, I want to use a new relationship, fall in love with a new man, and then go to escape the mud of the original relationship, okay? Sure, but you must remember in your heart that a new relationship can only be used as a Band-Aid to stop bleeding temporarily, or as a temporary antipyretic ibuprofen, not as a complete cure for the disease.
Where is the real medicine? In your own place.
Think about it, why do we always fall in love with the same kind of people? Wu Zhihong said in "I just want to live this life with you":
Love is actually a kind of reincarnation. To put it simply, when we fall in love, we actually want to relive the beauty of childhood and correct the mistakes of childhood.
Let's put it this way, we will always be attracted to people who are similar to the characteristics of our parents, and then when we get along with them, it will naturally stimulate the deepest pain in our hearts, so you will find that you are back in childhood, the affirmation you did not get from your parents, the warmth that you did not get, these desires all come out.
If at this time, you seize this opportunity to change the mode of getting along with this person, you can correct the mistakes of childhood, so as to really heal the wounds, really recover, and if you don't, still in such a cyclical situation, crying, unable to extricate yourself, then unfortunately, your pain will only never end, even if you are separated from him, divorced, you go to find the next partner, you will still have to go through this, and then repeat, and enter a ghost wall relationship.
You see, just like you now, there is obviously a man who cherishes you very much and treats you very well, but you are still attached to the scumbag ex, why? Because the current man can't give you the opportunity to heal yourself, the opportunity you want, can only be given by a scumbag, a scumbag husband has given the opportunity, you didn't grasp it, the next scumbag ex gave you a chance, you didn't grasp it, your wounds have never healed, so you are still wandering in pain.
In my opinion, the most important thing you should do now is not to heal the wounds with this man, but to really see your own wounds and think about how you should do it if you encountered a problem that you had encountered before.
For a simple example, why did the ex-husband treat you so much? Why did your ex do this to you again? Have you taken any action? Did you let them see your bottom line, your awesomeness? Or do they feel that you are just tolerant? A simple sentence can sum up all this: how others treat you is what you allow, if you do not allow, he does not dare to treat you like this, how do you not allow, how to resolutely not allow? That's what you're really thinking about.
Men do not take the initiative to find you, women remember the above two points, you will really find your own confidence, treat love, do not please, do not force, go with the flow, free, if you can do this, you win.
A person growing up, always have to face one after another life confusion, with relatives, with lovers, with children, many times we can only rely on ourselves to grope, but once wrong, it will cause permanent damage to the hearts of our relatives or lovers.
Now, Zhu Jianjun, Wu Zhihong, Li Zixun, Yue Xiaodong, Hu Shenzhi and other 19 famous psychological counseling masters at home and abroad have joined hands to create this book "I just want to live this life with you", telling us how to find our own hidden pain in our hearts, heal ourselves, be a better self, and be able to give others happiness.
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I am Mei Niang, your most intimate emotional counselor, if you have emotional confusion, please send me a private message, Mei Niang will take you out of the confusion.