When I was a child, my mother and the seven aunts and eight aunts hit me in various ways, saying that I was not good... It's hard to put into words.
I've also never been confirmed (definitely) ever, so the chronic fear is getting more and more insecure and getting more and more annoying to myself.
Seeing the messages of these two netizens, it was too heartfelt. Children who grow up in a family environment that is beaten and unacknowledged will not only be insecure as children, but will also be insecure when they grow up. That is, a sense of security affects a child's life.
Children who lack security are afraid when they go to a strange environment, dare not talk to strangers more, are timid and clingy, still have low self-esteem and self-confidence when they grow up, always feel that they are not good enough, do not want to trouble others, do not know how to reject others, especially care about other people's views, and are afraid that others do not like themselves.
Why are children insecure? The following few things are easy to destroy the child's sense of security, come and avoid the pit
1. The child is 0-3 years old, does not respond to the child, does not raise the child or the parent is unstable
Babies under 1 year old, they are very helpless, when they need security the most, they use crying to express their needs, hungry and uncomfortable, they will cry. When the child cries, parents should respond in time, comfort, and build a sense of security.
The mother's voice is very important for the baby. A mother, because of her work, sent her son back to the countryside to bring him to the elderly when he was two years old. For more than a month after the separation, the child cried every day because he could not see his mother.
A year later, she separated from her son for a year before taking him back to him, the child clamored for grandma, often until midnight, and his personality was a little timid, and he always hid behind adults when he saw people. The child's lack of security requires the mother to spend twice as much time and effort to make up for it.
2. Like to intimidate and threaten children or relatives and friends to tease children
In daily life, seeing children naughty and disobedient, many parents casually say "if you don't obey again, your mother won't want you"!
"If you cry again, you will be thrown away", "If you don't listen, you will be sold to the rags", etc., these threatening language will make children worry that they will be abandoned. It's easy to have insecurities.
Especially with the second child, many adults will joke with the boss: "With a little brother, your mother does not want you", the child can not distinguish what is the joke, he will be anxious, afraid that the mother really does not want himself, and even hate the mother, resist the mother, resulting in the child's lack of security.
3, separation anxiety is not handled well: sneak away
Many mothers have had this experience. If you want to go out or go to work, first let the rest of the family take the child away, secretly leave by yourself, the child comes out to see, the mother is gone, this person is panicked, and even began to cry.
Because the child is not sure when the mother is gone, and does not know whether the mother will come back and how to find the mother, this is a very bad and destructive behavior of the child's sense of security.
Children cry in kindergarten, there is separation anxiety is the same, some mothers put the child down and leave quickly, or play with the child for a while, take advantage of the child does not pay attention to themselves, hurry to leave. As soon as the child turns around and can't find his mother, he will cry because he is not sure if his mother will come to pick him up.
Therefore, the child is clingy, but also has an insecurity, afraid that if you don't pull your mother for a while, you won't be able to find your mother.
4, parents often quarrel
Harmonious and fraternal family relationships are a breeding ground for security. Parents quarrel, and the most hurt is the child. They are afraid of losing their parents' love for them, afraid of the breakdown of the family, and often have a sense of fear. Therefore, living in a family with a discordant relationship between parents for a long time, it is difficult for children to have love and security.
5, the mother's sense of giving and sacrifice
In order to give birth to you, my mother walked through the ghost gate and suffered a lot.
How difficult it is to raise you and provide you with your studies... These ubiquitous words, accumulated over time, have a far greater impact on a child than you might think.
Every little joy of the child, every little wish, is accompanied by a great sense of guilt. Suppress yourself, dare not have wishes, feel that you do not deserve to have good things, resulting in a serious lack of security!
How to make children feel safe without missing? In addition to avoiding the above 5 things, this also needs to be done
When children are understood, respected, and treated fairly, they feel like they live in a principled, loving family.
Love and companionship, understanding, recognition, are the guarantees for building a sense of security.
Our parents of the previous generation do not know that we are often wrongly raised, and sometimes a person's insecurity will accompany us for a lifetime, so we have become parents ourselves, we should not use the same method to raise our children, we must raise our children correctly and scientifically, although it is difficult, but we must also study hard and do our best to do it.
The following give you 5 sentences, often say these 5 sentences to the child, the child will not be insecure.
1, you said, the mother is listening, is there anything else?
2, I understand your sadness, what can your mother do for you?
3) I love you because you are my child, it has nothing to do with what kind of child you are.
4, no matter what happens, Dad and Mom will always support you, for us you are the most important.
5, we give birth to you and raise you because we want to participate in the healthy growth of a life, and enjoy the joy of this growth.