Yumi has been a little anxious about separation lately, and every morning when she wakes up, she cries and cries while crying: "Mom, I missed you so much when I was in kindergarten." ”
Obviously, it has been a semester, and suddenly there is such a show, and the old mother really has a big head. But looking at her pitiful appearance and some pain, good words said a basket, XiongWa still cried as soon as she went to kindergarten. Communicate with the teacher, who recommends to calm the child's emotions first.
The old mother also knows to be appeased, but looking at the bear child who cries and cries every day, there is really nowhere to start. So I went out of my way to consult my psychology teacher. A sentence from the teacher made me start to examine myself again, and the teacher said: Crying is a good thing, better than not crying!
Crying children, most of them are "separation anxiety"
The word separation anxiety has been used badly, and every new semester the word is pulled out to talk about it. But most people will only tell you: separation anxiety is normal, as long as parents maintain a good attitude, the child will overcome. Is this really the case? Yumi's sudden separation anxiety this time made the old mother deeply doubt such a statement. At first, I was able to maintain a normal state of mind, but as the bear baby cried for longer and longer, her mentality really collapsed.
To this end, combined with the teacher's explanation, the old mother deliberately checked a lot of information about separation anxiety, and really let me find some theoretical basis.
Psychologist John. Bowlby J proposed that the child's attachment to the mother is carried in the genes, and this attachment relationship is the key to the child's separation anxiety. That is to say, children love to cry, "separation anxiety" is only a superficial reason, and the real reason is actually "attachment relationship".
American psychologist Mary Ainsworth used the "strange situation method" experiment to observe children's ability to adapt to the environment. He first puts the child and his mother in a room, then a stranger comes in to communicate with his mother, then the mother leaves the room, and after a while the mother returns to the room.
The researchers divided attachment types into 4 types based on how the children "cried": safe, avoidant, anxious-conflicting, and fearful.
Safe: About 70% of children are of this type and they are very secure. Mom will explore the surrounding environment alone when she is there, and there will be separation anxiety when Mom leaves, but Mom will come back and play happily. These children enter kindergarten and "cry" for a few days, but they can quickly adapt to the new environment.
Anxiety-contradiction type: This kind of child, the mother will also worry when she is there, and from time to time to see if the mother is still around. Once the mom is gone, "separation anxiety" becomes particularly intense. When the mother appears again, the child will even show dissatisfaction with the mother's departure just now. When such children enter kindergarten, they will have strong emotional fluctuations or aggressive behavior.
Avoidant: This type of child is indifferent to whether or not their mother has left. Whether or not their mother walks away has little impact on them, and they are good at evasive ways to cover up and suppress their needs for their mother. When such children enter kindergarten, they will not show anxiety, and many parents mistakenly think that the children understand things, but in fact, it is not that the children are not anxious, but that they isolate their emotional experience.
Fear type: On the one hand, this type of child feels very conflicted about the attachment to the mother, and on the other hand, it shows the suppression and avoidance of the attachment to the mother. When they enter the park, they sometimes show no care, and sometimes they cry and tear their hearts and lungs, which is often uncertain.
These attachment relationships are the key to causing children to cry, for example: ambivalent and fearful children are most likely to run emotionally and cry, and avoidant children are more indifferent.
Why do you say: Crying is a good thing, better than not crying?
As a parent, seeing children crying will be painful, we will try our best to let children stop crying, but science proves: in fact, children cry out better than not crying, why?
Separation is a compulsory course for every baby, separation means anxiety, and we are afraid that anxiety will bring irreparable trauma to the child's young mind. But in fact, according to a paper analysis of the U.S. Disease Census Database published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, it shows that only 4.1% of children will develop separation anxiety disorder, and the probability of separation anxiety in adults is 6.6%. Only one-third (36.1%) of children with separation anxiety persist into adulthood, meaning that the lasting effect of "separation anxiety" is only 1.4%.
Only a small percentage of children will develop a mental illness-level separation anxiety disorder (SAD), and the impact of separation anxiety on children is not as great as we think, and often in reality, we parents exaggerate its impact.
Those children who love to cry are actually expressing their emotions through "crying", which is the normal operation of children to cope with anxiety. Compared with letting children hold back and not cry, children who cry out are more likely to vent their anxiety and more easily soothe.
"Crying" is just an expression of emotion, parents do not have to persuade or scare children not to cry; do not worry that children do not adapt to the kindergarten environment and they can not stop crying, which is a bad demonstration for children and will amplify children's fears. You know, most of the 1.4% of separation anxiety disorders in adults are caused by repressed emotions in childhood, or do not know how to express emotions.
The right thing to do is not to stop your child from crying, and let him vent his uneasiness and nervousness.
In the face of separation anxiety, how should parents guide?
Although, only 1.4% of children will be affected by separation anxiety, that doesn't mean we have to give up. On the contrary, understanding attachment relationships allows us to better help children get rid of separation anxiety.
First of all, don't play the trick of suddenly disappearing, but leave with a gentle attitude and firm position
Many parents deal with their children's separation anxiety by sneaking, and the practice of "greasing the soles of their feet without saying a word" is very undesirable.
For children aged 3-4, time is still a very vague concept, and they can't tell how long a week or a day is. 3 and 4-year-old children, even if their parents just suddenly disappear for 1 hour, will make them very afraid, they will extend this time indefinitely, thinking that "Mom and Dad don't want me anymore".
This kind of sneaky parents will make the child worry about being "abandoned" all the time, let the child develop an "anxiety-contradiction" attachment relationship, and destroy the child's trust.
The best thing to do is not to reprimand, not to compare, not to say to the child, "No other child is crying, you are crying"; just calmly tell the child: where you are going and when you will come back.
Be careful not to say what time to come back, kindergarten children do not have a clear concept of the points, should use specific hours, for example, the sun goes down the mother will return.
Second, give your child a fixed farewell ceremony
Studies have found that a fixed farewell ceremony can greatly reduce children's anxiety. The farewell ceremony does not have to be too complicated, crouch down to hug the child, and tell her: "Mom loves you, today mom is the first to pick you up after school." "Or you can agree on an action with your child, such as a high-five, pinch a small nose, or invent a set of gestures that only you know."
Note that the ceremony should be as simple as possible and not too lengthy. Because the longer the goodbye drags on, the less likely it is for the child to let go of the parents
Finally, prepare a comforter for your child
Youmi class has a family portrait of each child, which is actually a good way, after the parents leave, the "family portrait" has become an "emotional substitute" for the child, and when the child is anxious, he will re-establish an attachment relationship by looking at the photos with his parents. In addition to family portraits, toys, books, and comfort blankets that children play with from childhood to adulthood are all good alternatives to emotional substitutes.
Some parents will worry that their children will be more attached to the comforter and will worry that the comforter will disturb the child's listening to the lesson. In fact, don't worry too much, the comforter is a temporary thing, as the child grows up, the kindergarten is exposed to more knowledge and updated toys every day, and the child will slowly leave the comforter behind.
It is worth noting that do not forcibly let the child quit attachment when the child is still very attached to the service. This will not only make the child's separation anxiety rebound, but also make the child think that kindergarten is the place to destroy her relationship with the comforter, thus making it more resistant to going to kindergarten.
In short, it is a very normal process for children to resist kindergarten crying, and as a parent, you can't worry too much, and don't lie flat. With scientific methods of reasonable guidance, let children feel the ubiquitous love of parents, in order to smoothly pass the separation anxiety period.