A reader asked in the background: My son has been close to me since he was a child, but now that he is in junior high school, he has suddenly become very cold and cannot say a few words a day. Every time I talked to him, I was blocked back on the grounds that I wanted to write my homework. I accidentally found that his circle of friends has already blocked me, what should I do?
I could feel the mother's anxiety between the lines and asked her how she got along with her son. The mother said that she is usually more nagging, which may also be why her son has a rebellious psychology, which is especially obvious in the past 2 years. Rebellious adolescence bumps into a nagging old mother, and without further ado, you can feel the repression of the family.
When the child is older, he will not kiss the mother, which is a problem that many mothers will face. The little tail that used to follow behind him has embarked on another road that does not require the company of his parents, and it seems that the parents can only let go.
The eldest child does not follow the mother
Some time ago, watching the variety show "Spring Day Delayed Departure" was poked in the heart by a scene in the program. Observer Fu Seoul told a true story of his own:
On her son's 12th birthday, she dug her heart out to hold a birthday party for her child, found a bunch of friends to come to the house, bought cakes and candles for her son, and sang and danced to enliven the atmosphere. Unexpectedly, the son not only did not appreciate it, but also said with great disgust: Mom, I don't want to be overly concerned.
Afterwards, the son sent a circle of friends thanking everyone around him, but only missed his parents and mother, and what is even more sad is that the son's circle of friends blocked her.
In order to give the baby a surprise, he took great pains to move himself to the point. Unexpectedly, people did not appreciate it. Later, she talked to her son about it and asked him: Why block my mother? The son replied: "Young people always have some feelings, and they don't want to be known by their parents!" ”
A small matter made Fu Seoul particularly sad, she always thought that she and her son had a good relationship, she thought that she understood her son very well, and her son was willing to talk to her heart, and she was completely surprised by being blocked. She was still a little choked up when she mentioned the matter on the show, and she reflected on herself: "Am I not a good mother?" ”
I believe that many mothers have reflected on this problem in the middle of the night. For us, the little man who rejects himself was born in October, an inseparable part of life, and is intimate. Suddenly, the bear baby began to reject us, more or less unacceptable.
Have you asked the adolescent children around you, has the circle of friends blocked their parents? The answer turned out to be yes, and they said that opening up the circle of friends to their parents was undoubtedly equivalent to blowing themselves up.
Mom does these 3 points, it is difficult for the child not to kiss you
Sometimes I can't help but wonder, is it difficult for everyone to escape the law that "children grow up and don't kiss their mothers"? It turns out that this is not the case, and there are many people who are close to their mothers when they grow up.
Family relations researchers, who followed up and investigated families with harmonious parent-child relations, found that mothers who are generally close to their children have achieved the following 3 points:
Within 0 to 3 years of age, the mother should give the child care in time
Developmental psychology believes that before the age of 3 is a golden period for a person to establish a sense of security, this period of time the mother should meet the child's positive emotional needs in time, it will lay the child's lifelong safety foundation.
The positive feedback of the mother before the age of 3 will promote the development of the child's limbic system, and the child's self-control ability and emotional management ability will be stronger in this part of the brain. Not only can you be calm and calm, but you can also handle intimate relationships better, and your relationship with your parents and partners will be better when you grow up.
Of course, giving enough children to care for is not to meet the child unconditionally, but to respond to the reasonable and positive needs of the child in a timely manner. If the child is unreasonable, he must learn to refuse gently and firmly.
For example, a child asks for a toy, but there is already a similar one at home. At this time, you need to affirm his emotions first, then explain your thoughts, and finally find a way to resolve. You can say: Mom knows you want this toy very much, right? But Mom considered that there were already similar toys at home, and she couldn't put them down. What do you say we do? Let the child figure it out for himself, and you will find that his cooperation is very high.
If the mother does not give the child enough love before the age of 3, the child is easily injured in the intimate relationship. When he grew up, he did not know how to treat those close to him, and he used to arm himself with indifference, acting like a small hedgehog and stabbing the outside world.
From 3 to 12 years old, mothers should know how to communicate nonviolently
Psychologists believe that 3 to 12 years old is a critical period for children to move from dependence to independence.
This stage of 6 years old is a watershed, before the age of 6 mom is the center of the world, they are very dependent on mom. After the age of 6, children enter primary school, are exposed to the wider world, and learn more knowledge. Slowly they found that the teacher knew more than his mother, and it was more interesting to play with his classmates than with his mother.
During this period, the independent personality of children gradually formed, they began to express their own ideas in stitches, more willing to follow their own inner thoughts, no longer take the words of their parents as the whole, and naturally have differences with their mothers. At this time, non-violent communication is particularly important!
"Observing facts – expressing subjective feelings – indicating needs – making specific requests" is the key to nonviolent communication!
I used this method on Yumi, and the parent-child relationship is very harmonious. Yumi hated bathing very much, or rather, washing her hair, and each bath was like a war, ending with the roar of an old mother. It wasn't until one time I suddenly remembered nonviolent communication that I had the following conversation:
"Baby, you haven't showered in 6 days" – observation describes the facts
"I don't want to wash my hair"
"Mom knows you don't want to wash your hair, but I'm a little worried about you doing that" – say how I feel
"What are you worried about?"
"If you don't take a bath, I'm afraid you'll get a rash and itch on your body, so I'll think I didn't take good care of you, and my mother will feel guilty." So, can we go take a shower? "--Indicates the demand
"But I want to see cartoons"
"So, you can go to the shower with me first, and your mother will watch cartoons with you for a while. - Make specific requests
Sure enough, Yumi went to take a shower that day without any obstacles.
Imagine if we could communicate with our children every time in the way of "observing the facts - expressing feelings - indicating needs - making requests", would the children feel that their mothers care about themselves the most?
After the age of 12, lead far away and give the child enough space
Children enter puberty after the age of 12, and at this stage they are extremely contradictory.
The rapid physical development and psychological semi-maturity make children demand to get rid of their parents' shackles in their spiritual life, but due to psychological immaturity, they especially hope to get the understanding and support of their parents.
At this time, if the mother still treats the children and gets along with them, the children will strongly demand that they have the treatment of adults, resulting in a power struggle. In particular, adolescent children have strong self-esteem, and emotions will fluctuate greatly under the action of hormones, so it is often seen that adolescent children give up their lives without saying a word.
The main contradiction between parents and children in this period will be concentrated in the needs of "independence and autonomy", "equal social status" and "respect for personality", so mothers must leave space for children at this stage.
An expert once said that adolescent children are like sun monkeys, and they can't frequently chant the tightening mantra, otherwise it is easy to stimulate monkey nature.
Adolescent children need space more than ever. At this stage, parents should learn to take a step back, only guide in the general direction, and slowly release specific control to their children.
"Distance produces beauty" is more than just chicken soup, leave room for children and you will find that they will communicate better. As soon as parent-child communication is smooth, the relationship between mother and child will naturally be improved.
You see, getting along with children has never been a simple matter, and your bear baby still has nothing to talk to you about now? Welcome to the comment area to talk about the process of fighting wits with Xiongwa~