Late last night, a mother left me a message:
C Mom, I'm a stay-at-home mom and I got out of control the other day.
For a long time, the emotions accumulated, grievances and grievances, yesterday suddenly did not want to endure, and the child's father had a big fight, as a result, the child was directly scared by us to cry.
After a few days, as long as we talk a little bit to raise the voice, the child will cry (afraid that we quarrel), I regret it, is it our behavior, what psychological shadow has been left on the child?
Many experts say that arguing in person has a huge impact on children, and I am particularly guilty now.
Did you never argue with Daddy C?
Removing the word "what" is probably the respect for every middle-aged couple.
And I also seriously doubt that those alarmist couples who should never quarrel in front of their children are really married? Have you ever had a baby?
01
Can't parents really argue in front of their children?
Of course, this matter still has to be endured.
Even a toddler who is a few months old can sense changes in their parents' emotions. The younger the child, the greater the impact of parental quarrels.
Because of the little children!
Their perception of themselves is always too inflated, they feel that they can affect everything, and everything around them is related to him.
Therefore, in their consciousness, whether the content of the adult's quarrel is related to himself or not, he will blame himself for thinking that "it is not that I am not obedient enough, and my parents quarrel."
The impact of every parental quarrel on the child is real, and if you can not argue in front of the child, you will not argue in front of the child.
However, the reality is that everyone understands.
A lot of times I can't help it.
Living under the same roof, rolling around in the trivialities of the family day after day, if the horse spoon does not touch the edge of the pot, the fairy companion cannot do it.
My father and I, a clean and straight man with steel, usually quarreled with the problem of habits and the discipline of the child.
But arguing is like failure, and while we don't like it very much, we can't avoid it completely in life.
Of course, I can tolerate it as much as possible, but I can't help it and don't need to deliberately create a fake harmonious family atmosphere for the sake of my children.
On the contrary, I feel that false love is easy to make the baby stupid and sweet, and I think that people all over the world should be peaceful and friendly.
Once there is a quarrel, the relationship is bad, mismatches, and should be abandoned.
But whether it is friends, colleagues, couples, or family, how many are really completely harmonious?
If you run to this high standard to get along with people, it is likely to be disappointed.
When he walked out of the house, he suddenly found that there were so many "cruel sides" in the world, but it was easy to avoid problems and even withdraw.
After all, as long as you get along with people, there will be contradictions and conflicts, and there will be uncomfortable places. This is the normal state of life.
Therefore, I feel that parents are arguing well and are also passing on social wisdom to their children.
02
It doesn't matter if you can't help arguing, but these three bottom lines, you must remember not to touch
Don't let your child be the back cooker
Many adults are dissatisfied with themselves and are not able to vent directly, so they are difficult in the name of children:
"Do you have the responsibility of a father, have you ever managed a child?"
"How many days have you brought your child so old?"
Or use your child as a bargaining chip to win:
"I'm not doing all this for kids."
"If it weren't for the fact that the child couldn't stand your stinky temper and divorced you."
stop! The back of this pot is a lifetime, and it must be controlled, even if it is caused by a child, do not use him to block the arrow, or use him as an arrow.
You quarrel with each other, it is just that you two adults can not handle the relationship with each other, the root cause, in fact, has nothing to do with children.
TA is just a fuse, this cognition must be there!
Pull the kids to the side
"Look at your dad, there are few advantages, a bunch of stinky problems, you must not learn from your dad in the future."
"You are like your mother, indecisive and not out of breath, in the future, if you want to do this, don't recognize me as a father."
stop! That's someone's dad/mom, not yours, daddy/mom is good or not, the baby has the final say, you can't directly give the theory.
No matter what image the husband and wife have in each other's eyes, the father and mother are in the child's heart, then one is the sky and the other is the earth.
No child does not want the image of his father to be tall and the image of his mother to be warm.
If you have to force him to take sides, force him to oppose, or even despise the other party, for the child, it is untrustworthy, unreliable, and the world is falling apart.
cold war
Don't have a cold war after a fight! Don't be cold! Don't be cold!
There are thousands of ways to communicate, and the Cold War is the most useless. No matter how noisy it is, it is not unreasonable.
Don't look at the child small, but the child's mind is very delicate, and the parents' every move is difficult to escape their eyes.
Mom and dad ignore each other like enemies, the atmosphere in the home is depressed, and the child will worry about it every day, which is a pressure that a child cannot bear.
Before that, a fan friend left a message:
My wish from childhood to adulthood was that my parents would divorce. Because my parents were always cold-war, they didn't say a few words for half a year. Home is like an ice cave, and even June is chilling.
At one point, she finally couldn't help but say, "You divorce, what's the point of living like this?" But dad rushed over and gave her a slap and said, "A rare beast, looking forward to the destruction of the family."
Since then, she has never mentioned the separation of her parents, but she has never stopped this idea for a moment.
The existence of cold violence, while mentally abusing the other half, is more like an invisible knife, constantly stabbing the child's heart.
This is really a thing that hurts others and hurts themselves and hurts children even more.
03
Is it enough to argue on your own? This is not authentic! Be sure to take these three remedies
01
Tell the child it has nothing to do with him
Every time I argue with Dad C, if I find the kids listening.
I would tell CC:
I argued with my dad because we had different views from each other and had nothing to do with you.
It's just that this question I think should be like this, dad thinks it should be like that.
Also, Mom loves you, Dad loves you, and whether we argue or not, this will never change.
Every time CC, who was originally a little nervous to eavesdrop, would immediately relax, stop paying attention to our arguments, and play her own.
The most essential impact of parental quarrels on children is the impact of security. What children are most afraid of is that they are not safe, and they will be implicated and abandoned.
If the child can be sure that whether the parents love him or not, he will be loved and will not be abandoned.
You love to argue with you!
Many children of divorced families have a very positive view, people are very warm, and they are not crooked, because their parents can carry it clearly!
The child can face the quarrels of his parents calmly, because he knows that the quarrels will not affect love, and he can still explore the world and grow up happily.
02
Fight in person, reconcile in person
When we quarrel, we blurt out angry words, children will take it seriously, such as:
Mom and Dad complain and accuse each other, he will think that he really hates each other;
Mom gambled that I was going back to my mother's house for a few days, and he would think that Mom didn't want him and Dad anymore;
Dad said that I really had enough of this family, and I didn't love my mother and myself anymore.
So, if you argue in front of your child, you must remember to reconcile in front of your child.
Tell the child that although we have different views just now, now that the problem is solved, we love each other again.
Let the child understand that there will be conflicts between family members, but this does not affect their love for each other.
Just like usually you make your mother angry, and your mother still loves you.
This way, children can look at relationships more rationally – my parents! Sometimes the relationship is good, sometimes it's average, which is normal.
He will find that there is nothing to be afraid of when disagreements and quarrels arise, this is real life.
As CC told me the other day, a friend confided in her:
I feel like a bad girl because sometimes I hate my sister so much that I wish my mother hadn't given birth to her. Didn't you hate your brother at all times?
CC replied: Isn't that normal? Sometimes I like what my brother likes to die, and sometimes I hate what he hates to die. But I don't always hate him, and after a while I like him again, isn't that the case?
Rationally looking at quarrels and disagreements can actually help the child become an emotionally stable person, the child will not be too extreme when facing conflicts with others, he will be easier to accept himself, and it is easy to accept others.
03
Involve your child in the review
Why do people quarrel with each other?
Because the views are different, the demands are different.
So break up because of the difference? Patience because of difference? Vent because of difference?
Apparently not.
So what to do?
Every time I calm down with Dad C, in fact, the two of us will review, and after the CC is slightly larger, we will pull the CC together.
We want her to see how we solve problems through communication, and of course, she can also have an opinion.
Take the housework that everyone says is "Versailles".
I think That Dad C is stuck in the housework all day long, and he doesn't have time to spend time with me and my baby.
C's father thought I was lazy and too good,and the house was so messy that I couldn't put my feet down and couldn't clean up.
When reviewing, I expressed my dissatisfaction and my own needs:
I hope you make more time to accompany your children, they will grow up in the blink of an eye, and the time that needs you is so many years, time is given to housework, too wasteful.
C Dad, on the other hand, also expressed his needs:
Too much chaos at home will make him feel irritable and can't do it without cleaning up. The three of us didn't care, he was the only one who did it, and he was quite aggrieved, and he was not understood.
CC also expressed its own thoughts:
Mom, I don't really need to be accompanied anymore, I'm growing up, I'm willing to play by myself, DD may need you more, you can spend more time with DD.
Dad, I can also help you wipe the floor, I will help you later, Dad, you are not alone, you are not alone.
I was super relieved at the time: originally C Dad did not accompany the child, in my opinion, CC is a kind of lack, but through communication, CC saw Dad's grievances, not only did not complain about him, but took the initiative to help him.
In this way, everyone's problems have been solved to a certain extent.
At the same time, children can feel that they are important in the family. I am an indispensable member of the family, and the sense of value and responsibility is rubbing upwards.
More importantly, I hope that children can learn from their parents the importance of rational communication.
I want them to understand that there are problems with getting along with each other, that there's nothing scary about it, it's not that it can't be solved.
In this way, they can be more rational in dealing with "relationships" in the future.