Author: CC Mom and Dad
Source: CC Moms (ID: cc-bama)
A friend recently came to me to spit on it, saying that the older the child, the more disobedient he is, and he can't listen to anything you say, and he can kill people's popularity.
This is still far from adolescence, why is it so difficult to communicate.
Whatever I told him, he didn't respond.
Throwing a stone and making a noise, talking to the cow can still moo, and my child can't ask a fart for half a day.
If you are in a hurry, you will only say it, and if you don't say it, you won't listen to it anyway.
He didn't say it, and how did he know I wasn't listening.
We found that the younger the child, the easier it is to communicate, and the larger the child, the more alienated they are from their parents.
Not only friends, but as their children grow up, they begin to have all kinds of mantras that make their mothers want to blow up when they hear it.
For example, "Casually, not me, blame you, anyway, you also ..." and so on.
Those seemingly ordinary, casual words actually hide a lot of important information, hiding the emotions that children have not been seen for a long time.
It also conveys the same message – you have a problem with your child.
01
"Forget it, anyway..."
Forget it, don't say it, you won't agree anyway;
Everything is my fault anyway;
You won't listen to anything I say anyway.
Why would a child say such a thing?
Anyway, the appearance represents expecting others to do something, but afraid of not getting it.
Anyway, the front is the opposite, and the back is what is expected of you to do.
Because my previous expectations were disappointed and I didn't want to experience the hurt of loss, I began to lower my expectations and use "anyway" to cover up my expectations.
At the same time, he also uses angry words to protect his heart that has not been satisfied for a long time and has been hurt.
It's not that the child is rebellious, nor is it trying to fight you, but it is a kind of distress.
Just like the example of a friend before, the child always puts "anyway" on his lips, and the communication with his parents gradually decreases. Because needs are ignored more often and ideas are rejected too many times, children pretend not to care.
Children will gradually distance themselves from those who disappoint them psychologically, but parents think that the child is older and begins to become disobedient.
What to do? It's actually quite simple.
We just need to turn the child's backlash over and see the real needs of the child anyway.
Anyway, what follows behind is actually what the child wants us to do:
It's all my fault anyway, it's actually saying, "Can you blame me for everything?" ”
Anyway, I said you wouldn't let me eat, I was actually saying, "I hope you can make me eat another popsicle."
After understanding the true meaning of the child, we must respond to the child's expectations in a timely manner with a positive attitude.
Let the child know that you know what he expects, respect his ideas and will try to do it.
You can tell the child that Mom\Dad knows that you have always wanted us to listen to you well, but before I ignored it, now I only listen to you carefully.
Of course, we are not trying to meet every need of our children, and we can refuse to do so or unreasonable requests.
Children can actually accept positive rejection, provided that you say why he agrees.
When he made every request, he had two plans in mind.
As long as he is rejected, he will not be disappointed.
In the summer, CC wanted to eat several popsicles every day, and I always impatiently refused, "No, don't you know that you have eaten 2 sticks today?" (I'm impatient because she's 7 years old, and I think she's already able to judge right from wrong and shouldn't knowingly do it.)
Then one day, she said, "Mom... I think...... Forget it, you won't let me eat anyway. ”
It was at that moment that I experienced why children should "hide" from adults.
It felt bad, so I reflected.
It was actually my problem, so I told her:
"I know you still want to eat, but I really can't eat it today, if you're hot, let's drink some ice water; if you're hungry, your mother will give you a milkshake." 」
She mentioned it many times later, and each time I sincerely explained why. Instead of brutally using the authority of parents as before.
02
"I blame you..."
During the National Day, my father and I took the children out to eat, there was a mother and son, as soon as I entered the door, I listened to the 5- and 6-year-old boys complaining that "I blame you, I didn't open an umbrella, my clothes are wet."
The mother listened to the child's complaints and quickly said, "Yes, yes, blame the mother for not covering you."
During the meal, the child took out the iPad he brought with him to play, the mother peeled shrimp next to him to feed him, and soon there was a little boy's scolding voice" "All blame you, all are gone" while saying while slapping the mother with his hand, "Oh, the mother helped you get it back."
It turned out that the video watched by the little boy was accidentally brushed off, and for this reason, he made a big liver fire.
In fact, such situations are not uncommon in life. Children are always accustomed to pushing the responsibility for things on others, blaming their parents, blaming their partners, and not blaming themselves.
Late for school, blame you for not calling him;
Didn't finish your homework, blame you for not reminding you earlier;
If you break something yourself, you will be blamed.
Some time ago, I saw such a news, the mother and daughter got on the wrong subway, and the daughter was furious and competed to punch and kick the mother.
The big bags of luggage, did not want her to take one, but in exchange for the unrefonitory and gratitudeless white-eyed wolf.
Why do children blame others for everything?
As the material life gets better and better, parents do their best to provide their children with the best material conditions and pampering, and do not let their children suffer a little grievance.
But when we give more and more, the more children can reach out and get, the easier it is to ignore some intangible things, such as responsibility and the concept of right and wrong.
The reason why children blame others for their mistakes and always put "all blame you" on their lips may not be to shirk responsibility, but their own concept of right and wrong is relatively vague.
To put it bluntly, people don't feel that they are wrong at all, and it is you who are wrong.
In this case, the more you blame, the more aggrieved the child is.
What should we do? Parents don't want one person to take care of everything!
Our family used to raise flowers, I and C Dad took turns watering, and then he was busy, it became me watering, and slowly became my own business.
After the flowers were raised for a long time, there was a time when I suddenly became busy, and I often forgot to water, one day, C Dad went to the balcony and blurted out, "Oh, how long have you not been watering, the flowers have been raised to death by you!" ”
The same is true with children, the more and longer you are responsible, the child automatically acquiesces: that is what you are responsible for.
Therefore, it is time to let go and let children take on some small responsibilities in daily life, such as setting their own alarm clock and getting up. Moreover, if you bear the consequences of things yourself, you will be late if you can't get up.
When problems arise, treat the matter as it is and distinguish responsibilities. Whose question is on whom. Cultivate children's concepts of right and wrong from an early age.
Of course, when guiding children to take responsibility, avoid treating small things severely, otherwise children will choose to avoid taking responsibility because they are afraid.
03
"Mom, do you still like me?"
Will your child ask you this question too often?
Especially: the cup breaks and you get angry!
The kindergarten quarreled with the children, and you were disciplined by the teacher.
You can't control your emotions for a moment, you get angry at the child, and yell at her.
Why does the child say this?
Psychological research has found that on the level of brain consciousness and rationality, children are willing to believe that their parents love themselves.
Once children do not feel love or have doubts about love, they will feel out of control, broken, desperate, and insecure.
The most direct manifestation is to ask repeatedly to confirm.
And many parents are angry, in order to maintain authority, but also in order to let the child have a memory, so ignore the child's careful confirmation of love:
"You're going to be mad at me, how can I still love you?"
"Did I tell you?" You can't lie, and if you lie again, your mother won't love you. ”
Of course, your purpose is to make the child correct his behavior, but the child's attention is focused on "whether the mother still loves me", and he cannot realize his mistake at all.
If you don't get a loving response for a long time, either the child will no longer have hope for you; or you will deliberately pander.
Should we do this?
If your child often asks this question, recall whether you have been too harsh recently or have emotionally neglected your child's feelings.
If yes, give him a little more attention.
If the child asks you this sentence after making a mistake, please do not rush to criticize and educate him, it is okay to educate him one minute or two points late, please respond to the child's most concerned question "Mother, of course I love you".
Whenever you face your child's inquiry, tell him "Mom loves you." Later, give your opinion to the child" "Mom hopes you can eat well so that your body can be strong" or the solution to the matter "Let's put away the cup fragments together", "Mom can't help but be loud when she is angry, but this is my problem, it doesn't affect Mom's love for you".
For children, love needs to be responded to, it needs to be told out loud to them.
Every child's troublesome and annoying behavior, every word you feel angry or disrespected, is actually a child who conveys "help me" to you.
This is also the hardest part of education, we need to understand the real intention behind the child's behavior and language that is not very friendly.
We do not pay attention to the real meaning behind these mantras of children, explore the real thoughts and feelings of children, but stay in subjective feelings, and rush to label children as "disobedient and rebellious".
The parent-child relationship will only become more and more rigid, and the child will only get farther and farther away.
Now the child is inseparable from us, can only endure, and when the child is independent one day, it will be too late for us to want to get closer.