▲ Yang Benfen and her husband Dr. Zhang met and married in 1961, and the difference between the two is 7 years. Group photo of the two in the 1980s (top) and 1990s (bottom) (Courtesy of interviewee/Photo)
"Older people are even less seen. Think they're old too and don't need emotion at all. But in fact it is not the same thing, how can it be grinning, a living person. They still want warmth and thoughtfulness in their marriage. ”
"Marriage really needs luck, and I have not been able to solve this puzzle in marriage so far."
This article was first published at Southern Weekend
Wen | Southern Weekend reporter Zhu Yuan
Responsible editor| Xing Renyan
Benfin Yang just passed his 82nd birthday. Starting in 2020, her works were published at a rate of one book per year, and at the age of 80 she became a writer, giving her a life that described herself as a "dewdrop", shining brightly in her later years.
In 2001, Yang Benfen retired from Tonggu County Automobile Transport Company to Nanjing to help her second daughter Zhang Hong with her children. On her daughter's bookshelf, she found a male writer who wrote her mother's book, read it three times in a row, and gave birth to the creative impulse - "I also have a mother, I can also write about my mother!" ”
Eight pounds of manuscripts, most of which she wrote in the kitchen. The pool, stove, and refrigerator filled the four square meters of space, the vegetables were dripped in baskets, the stove was stewed with meat, and Yang Benfen sat on a low stool, and another slightly higher stool became her desk.
Zhang Hong helped her enter the text into the computer, named "Mother's Memoirs", pasted in the Tianya community, after the painter Worm read it, recommended the article to Tu Zhigang, the editor-in-chief of Lefu Culture, who only read a short chapter and had the idea of publishing. As a result, more than a decade later, these posts became Yang Benfen's first book, "Autumn Garden".
In her preface, she wrote: "In my old age, I am like a train on a journey, and an unprecedented dynamic pushes me to rumble forward... It was as if I had rushed with a pen and re-walked through a long life. ”
"Autumn Garden" writes about the mother's turbulent and displaced life, and "Driftwood" completes the fate of the main characters in "Autumn Garden", and depicts the clutch sorrow and joy of the neighbors with a large amount of ink. Two books have been selected for the Douban annual reading list, and "Autumn Garden" has printed 88,000 copies so far.
In February 2022, Yang Benfen's third book" "My Ben Fragrance" was published. This time, she confronted her marriage. "I've been through this life, and I've had so much confusion, so I'll write it out." Yang Benfen told Southern Weekend reporters.
For the current title, Yang Benfen is still a little nervous, thinking that there is an element of boasting about himself. The name she first thought was simple and straightforward, it was called "Confusion", "Marriage really needs luck, and in marriage, I have not been able to solve this confusion so far." ”
1
"A couple with incompatible personalities, married and reconciled"
This confusion began at the age of 20. With the help of the narrative method of the novel, Yang Benfen gives his past life experience to the two protagonists, Hui Cai and Lü.
After the dissolution of the secondary school where Huicai attended, she carried the only three yuan in her pocket and went from Hunan to Jiangxi alone to seek a way out. As a guest in a foreign land, she met Lu, who worked in the county hospital.
Although Huicai was given the opportunity to study again, he was sent down on the eve of graduation. Lu promised to continue her studies in the future, but he hoped to marry first. As a fallen person in tianya, HuiCai has developed a feeling of pity for him since he learned that Lu is similar to himself and has a bad origin. His appearance is also what she likes, and the two can be described as love at first sight. But she felt that she was too young to get married, not to mention that they had only known each other for more than two months. On the day of the wedding, when Hui Cai sat on the edge of the bed with her head down, she didn't even know how old And how her temperament was.
"I came to Jiangxi just to study, and then continue to enter school, or at least find a job, send my brother to school, my family is so short of money." When I first got married, my braids were so long that when I saw that I was going to get married, I was so angry that I cut them all off. I hate getting married. Looking back at stepping into marriage too early, Yang Benfen can still appreciate how upset he was at that time.
Not willing to be a "parasite", on the second day of marriage, Huicai went to the production team to find a place to stay and began to live alone, while Lu stayed in the unit for a long time, went to see her every Sunday after dinner, sat for a while, and returned to the hospital. "He didn't accompany me to a meal, nor did he go to his cafeteria to make a dish for me to eat."
Zhang Hong speculated about her father's psychology at the beginning of marriage, of course, there were factors of the times, worried about his decentralization, and needed to receive news in the hospital in time, but more importantly, he was accustomed to a single life, and his emotional belonging at that time was still in the unit.
Married life unfolds slowly, in a way that cannot be said in a self-explanatory way. In the words of Yang Benfen, "a couple with incompatible personalities, married and reconciled." The pair of eyes that "have tender feelings" at the time of the first encounter and the family lineage of the same disease weave the expectation that "he will be good to me", and in the actual relationship, this expectation has repeatedly failed. Lu doesn't know how to be considerate, and when Hui Cai needs help, his response is almost always, "Don't be spoiled."
Shortly after the new marriage, Hui Cai went to the countryside to visit Lu's birth parents, and Lü's father grabbed two chickens before leaving for her to take back. This pair of shiny white chickens disappeared. Huicai told Lu that if the gate was not locked that day, he must have been robbed. Lu ignored her for two or three months. It wasn't until many years later, during an argument, that Hui discovered that Lui had always believed that she had sold the white chicken and sent it home. This cold violence caused by the misunderstanding made Hui Cai deeply hurt. Now it seems that the lack of materials has also cast a shadow on the marriage.
At the beginning of the Cultural Revolution, Lü often went to the countryside, leaving Huicai, who was already pregnant with his second daughter, at home. The elaborately bred black rabbit was stolen late at night, and Hui Cai heard the movement, but could not do anything. After Lu learned about it, without comfort, she repeatedly forced Hui Cai to ask "whether he is a good person or a bad person, and how a good person can't come out to fight thieves", which makes her speechless.
Yang Benfen feels that her requirements for her partner are not high, "You can cherish me, love me, give me a little warmth, and say a few comforting words when I encounter difficulties, it is enough." "She has a very harmonious original family, and there is almost no quarrel between the family." Other people's families are bleeding for a bowl of rice, we just don't eat, you let me eat, I let you eat. So I simply don't understand that couples have such a situation. ”
In the study, a single photograph of the mother and a picture of the children are hung on two walls, silently facing each other. Yang Benfen got up and took out the photo of his brother from the bookcase, "My brother is very handsome and considerate to his wife. In the countryside, wash a mosquito net, wash a quilt, go to the pond to wash, my brother will not let her go, too heavy, afraid that she can not move. He went to wash it himself. ”
Zhang Hong believes that if people's personalities are described in terms of spectra, parents may be at the two poles of the spectrum. The mother is emotionally rich, and the father cannot provide the spiritual nourishment and so-called emotional value she craves. In reality, Dr. Zhang, Yang Benfen's husband, was sent to an infertile family as an adopted son when he was more than two years old. During the land reform, the adoptive parents were classified as landlords and both hanged themselves one night. At that time, he was not yet an adult and wanted to return to his biological parents, but was refused. The experience became a permanent trauma for him.
"There is no 'should'. You are you, he is him, and you can't ask him to maintain this family model according to your character. Yang Benfen tried to understand her partner from the perspective of the original family and find an inner balance, she sighed, "I really don't have too many requirements, I just want to be a little considerate." ”
2
"Why do I have aversion to tears too?"
The marital status described in "My Fragrance" has resonated with many readers. A hot comment on Douban reads: "I think of the marriage of my parents and grandparents, and the life of all the women in the family." ”
The storyline unfolds from Huicai's point of view, and Lü ze does not have the opportunity to dissect his own heart, which makes individual readers throw out some more fierce statements while sympathizing with Huicai, seeing that some people regard Lu as a "scumbag", Yang Benfen is a little uncomfortable, and said to Zhang Hong, "Your father is not a scumbag." ”
"He may not be a good husband, but he's definitely a very nice father. He is also a competent doctor who has helped many people. How can such a person be labeled as a simple and rude 'scum'? Zhang Hong told the Southern Weekend reporter, "But this is no way to do things, once the work is written, the right to interpret is not in the hands of the author but in the hands of the reader." "After many years as an editor and writer, Zhang Hong knows the mystery.
The title of the protagonist Lu has also attracted some speculation. Is it intentional to take only one surname? "At that time, I didn't think of any favorite name, and it seemed natural to call it by surname alone." Yang Benfen told Southern Weekend reporters, "I didn't expect readers to have such speculation at all." At the time of writing this book, I didn't accuse the old man of his thoughts, no. ”
For the third book, Yang Benfen originally did not intend to give any interviews, fearing that it would be unfair to her partner, because now only she has the right to tell. The final solution is that Zhang Hong is present and has a relatively neutral voice, "This involves the relationship within the family, not so black is black, white is white, very tangled, but also very complicated." ”
Standing in the position of a wife, the embarrassment faced is real. The book recounts one thing: Lu bought all the meat tickets of the family that month, stewed soup with the cuttlefish left over from the New Year for the guests to drink, and did not consider the family's next life. Yang Benfen outside the book is the same as Huicai in the book, when encountering such a thing, he can only use tears to dispel his anger and grievances.
But the tears did not get a positive response, and communication was replaced by avoidance and resistance. On the one hand, Zhang Hong feels that this practice is cruel to her mother, but to some extent, she can also understand her father's feelings. She was having dinner with a friend when they talked about their sadness and suddenly burst into tears. At that moment, Zhang Hong froze and did not make any consoling moves. She found herself reacting too much like her father. "Why do I also have an aversion to tears? There's also an element of misogyny in this, which is that I will be biased against weakness. ”
After the birth of the first grandchild, the Yang family hired a nanny to help take care of the children. The baby's diapers are to be changed, and the husband never calls the babysitter, but the wife to change them. The nanny dragged her voice to the elder and said, "Aunt Yang, thanks to you, Uncle Zhang is also a pro-appearance person, just like my father." It's just that my father still beats my mother, and Uncle Zhang doesn't beat anyone. ”
"The so-called pro-appearance type is not a personality, but the imprint of culture as a gene on an individual. Wives can be treated casually. If I am not good to outsiders, there will be consequences; if I am good to others, I will be praised. When dealing with outsiders, this reward and punishment mechanism in human nature works normally. Zhang Hong analyzed.
Like most wives in traditional marriages, Benfen Yang put more effort into running the housework and caring for the children. Over time, there are natural contradictions arising from the division of labor among families.
At the dinner table, Yang Benfen once accused her husband of "not working", Dr. Zhang was not good at defending himself, and once raised a slight objection, saying that he chopped firewood, chopped firewood, planted vegetables, and did all these "outside things". "This is his point of view, he feels that housework should be done by his wife, he does not like to do housework, and in concept he also thinks that he can not do housework." Zhang Hong understood her father in this way.
3
"Brilliant is a person who smiles happily"
In 1984, Zhang Hong was preparing for the college entrance examination, and in order to prepare for her to go to college, the family bought two piglets to raise and sold them when they were on the list. Perhaps because the pigs were too tired, Dr. Zhang's tuberculosis in his youth recurred. During the course of treatment, the drug is overdose, resulting in retrobulbar optic neuritis and a sharp loss of vision.
During the 26 days that Dr. Zhang was hospitalized in Changsha, Yang Benfen was unable to accompany him. She visited once halfway through, and he was as stubborn as a child to go back with her. The next morning, Yang Benfen had just taken the unit shuttle bus on the return trip when she saw her husband appear next to the car. "I'm going back with you." Tears appeared in the eyes that were not covered with gauze. Looking at his departing back, Yang Benfen's eyes were also filled with tears.
With most of his life together, Yang Benfen could not tell her husband's need for a partner, but only knew that he was very dependent on himself in life. The phone rings at home, and she must answer it. In 2008, she moved into this three-bedroom and two-hall house, and the decoration was also arranged by her.
"His sense of belonging is still in this family, by my mother's side." Zhang Hong remembered that when their three sisters and brothers were young, as long as their father did not see his mother for a while, he would ask, "Mu Ma Li?" Mommy (what about Mom)? ”
The three children grew up and were all admitted to college in the 1980s, and the excellent children became the greatest comfort for the two. "I also often tell myself that I did the right thing, and it is still good to stick to it. If I don't insist, I'm sure they can't be three college students, the reasons why I don't want to divorce are all here, when I don't have children, it's better to live well, slowly will be fine, and I hope that having children will be better for me. After having children, they are even more reluctant to divorce. ”
"He's really old and I'm still very good to him now. He couldn't hurt me either. Time gradually smoothed out the edges and corners of each other's collision, but did not change the temperament of the two, Yang Benfen liked humor and was willing to create some fun, and Dr. Zhang did not smile.
"Baoqi", in Yang Benfen's hometown dialect, refers to people who like to talk and laugh, talk and laugh, and sometimes inappropriate. Sometimes, the word popped out of Dr. Zhang's mouth and turned into an evaluation of his wife. She didn't think so: "One day, I can't be precious, your life will be difficult, there is no second person like me to coax you." 」 ”
Old companions, old companions, even if they recognize their cruel nature - "each other is shackled, there is no way to hide, there is no escape", Yang Benfen is still not willing to only carry the responsibility of the heavy and bitter, her pursuit of warmth in marriage has never stopped.
In October 2021, Yang Benfen was discussing the cover of "My Ben Fragrance" with Zhang Hong on the phone, and Dr. Zhang asked on the side, "What does it mean to be splendid?" Zhang Hong heard her mother turn to her father and say, "Brilliant is a person who smiles very happily." ”
Today, Dr. Zhang, who is nearly ninety years old, is cared for by a middle-aged man from his hometown, and Yang Benfen has been playing the role of caregiver for more than a decade before he asked for a nurse. Dr. Zhang woke up early, at four or five o'clock in the morning, "snapped" the bedside lamp on, Yang Benfen would immediately wake up, worried about what he needed, even if he just turned over, she would also worry about whether to kick off the quilt.
When the interview was conducted at 4 p.m., Dr. Zhang was helped out of the room by a nurse, and his face still had traces of his youth, deep eye sockets, and high cheekbones. Although he was not able to speak, when he saw the strange junior greeting him, a thick smile appeared on his face.
Dr. Zhang watched the TV for a while, and a drowsy slumber enveloped him again. Yang Benfen walked over lightly and helped him tuck the corner of the quilt.
▲ Yang Benfen's three children were admitted to college, Zhang Hong settled in Nanjing, and her sister and brother stayed in Nanchang. In the 1970s, Zhang Hong (pictured below, first from the left) stood in the cabbage field with her sister and brother. In 1988, Dr. Yang Benfen, Dr. Zhang, their children and eldest son-in-law took a family portrait (above) (photo courtesy of the interviewee/photo)
4
"Old age, face the truth about marriage"
With the arrival of her first child, Yang Benfen's dream of going to school has never been realized. One day, she held her eldest daughter to play on the road, and saw a tea garden in the distance, and the figure of tea picking women shuttled through the rich and ethereal greenery. The sight captivated her. That night, when my daughter slept, she quietly got up and wrote the landscape in her mind. The work was later published in a local magazine, and she still remembers the day she took her daughter to the prefectural cultural center to collect her manuscript fee, and the sun shone brightly.
"I was a person who loved to write and read, and at that time it was because there were no conditions." Fulfilling the requirements of secular life and unloading the burden of chai rice oil and salt, Yang Benfen found a freedom in writing in his later years. She had loved literature all her life, and the shelves contained more than five hundred books hinted at the origin of some of her creations.
In Zhang Hong's view, the mother's writing is the real "redemption". From the first two books on the fate of individuals in the big era, they turned to a more intimate spiritual analysis, "My mother said that she felt brave, and I agree with this judgment, when you have lived a lifetime, in your old age, you can face the truth of marriage." 」 ”
Yang Benfen is also very clear that not everyone has the ability to write like themselves. "Older people are even less seen. Think they're old too and don't need emotion at all. But in fact it is not the same thing, how can it be grinning, a living person. They still want warmth and thoughtfulness in their marriage. ”
"Marriages like mine abound, and when I talk to others about the day, they are all of the same kind, and they have not been cared for, so I feel the same." In Yang Benfen's memory, in that era, there were loving couples, but bad marriages were a little more.
While in the Tonggu County car team, the tall man next door beat his wife and "threw her out of the bungalow like a chicken." Yang Benfen witnessed two domestic violence, one of which was when a man picked up a bamboo chair and threw it at a woman, who was unscathed — the chair happened to get stuck on her head like a helmet. Later, the woman hardened once, and the man ran back and sat on a low stool, and she fell down the full spittoon hood, and the, urine, and sanitary napkins were all pasted on his face.
Yang Benfen also carefully wrote down such stories. After the publication of the third book, she wrote about her mother and brother, and now she is active in writing about her neighbors when she lived in the countryside. "I like to write because I can't put it down." She did not feel the pressure in her creation, and the words she wanted to say and the things she wanted to write were vivid and majestic, and they were sprinkled on the paper in one breath.
Now that the family's affairs have been properly handled, the only thing that worries Yang Benfen is her knee, the bad minimally invasive surgery two or three years ago, which made the pain worse. The Nanchang High-tech Zone Library invited her to give a lecture, and she had already agreed, but her knees hurt, "Far away, I want to take the car", and finally Zhang Hong went on her behalf. More than a hundred new books were taken home, stacked high and low on the table in the study, waiting for Yang Benfen to sign.
A few years ago, when Dr. Zhang was still sober, Yang Benfen asked him a question, "If there is a next life, will you still be willing to be with me?" ”
He shook his head.
She felt incredible, and thought to herself, I have done so well in my life, paid so much for you, and raised very good children.
After a while, she ran to her wife again. "Will you still be willing to be with me in the next life?" Shaking your head doesn't count, you tell me yourself. ”
"No." Three words are clear.
Zhang Hong saw two equally injured people in it, "One person is unhappy in marriage, while the other person feels happy, this situation basically does not exist." A woman's awareness increases, and after she is liberated, it also means that a man is liberated and more likely to be happy. Don't think that it's just men bullying women, not such a simple antagonistic relationship, but that in the process, they hurt each other. If left unconscious, this mutual harm will continue from generation to generation. ”