Text: Ten miles
"Married for five years, now the child is three years old, if it were not for the children, I would have divorced him a long time ago!" I've had enough of him, alcohol and gambling, we have nothing to say now, we can't even argue, as soon as I talk, he runs away, and then he doesn't return all night, the phone won't answer, I don't know what we're doing now, should I get a divorce? ”
The other day, a friend was wronged and mentioned her to me.
Hearing the words of her friends, I did not persuade her to divorce, but let her stabilize her emotions and spend time with her children at home.
Because this is not the first time this has happened.
My dissuasion doesn't make any sense, she knows the marriage is not good, but she still hasn't divorced, which shows that she hasn't made up her mind yet.
When she really made up her mind to get a divorce, she wouldn't come to me and go straight through the formalities.
She did not make up her mind to divorce, and it was not really for the sake of the children, but she could not let go of her past efforts and felt that she was very wronged.
Divorce, in fact, will not cause greater harm to the child, only unfortunately is the family environment, will cause great harm to the child.
Children who live in happy and harmonious families after their parents divorce must be healthier than those children whose parents are not divorced and who live in quarrelsome and violent families.
All said:
"A woman is weak, but a mother is strong."
But some mothers use this as an excuse to hurt their children.
I don't know if you've ever heard something like this:
"If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your father."
In reality, many women are unhappy in marriage, the reason why they are not divorced, in fact, it is not really for the children, they are more concerned about their own gains and losses and interests.
For various reasons, they can't do without men, so they always use their children as an excuse to say harsh words.
They think they are suppressing men and making men better because of their children.
But as everyone knows, their wrong way will not only not make men better, but also bring a lifetime of pain to their children.
Children are not stupid, and children can feel the good and bad between emotions more than adults.
When seeing that the relationship between parents is not good, coupled with the words that parents say to themselves, children often only blame themselves, thinking that it is their own reasons that have led to the misfortune of their parents.
As a result, if you cannot grow up healthily, your mind will be greatly affected.
In an unhappy marriage, should a woman insist on it?
If the marriage is still saved and the man can still communicate, then it can be tried to save it.
And if men are completely incurable and can't even communicate, women giving up is often the best choice.
There is a line in the movie "The Greatest Father in the World":
"I thought that the worst thing in the world was to end up alone. Not really, the worst part is to end up with people who make you feel lonely. ”
If marriage makes women lonelier, persistence is unnecessary.
The wife is always talking, the husband is always fleeing, nature can not solve things, will only intensify the contradictions between the two sides, and then sooner or later the marriage will break up.
A lot of men don't understand what the purpose of women's arguments is.
Some data point out that 80% of women's quarrels may be meaningless, and they will argue with men, not to win or lose, but to let men care about their current emotions to comfort themselves.
If the man can even soothe the woman's emotions at this time, he can not only resolve the contradiction of the quarrel, but also enhance the feelings.
But most men, at this stage, will not take the initiative to comfort women, but choose to escape and argue with reason, which will naturally only aggravate the quarrel and contradiction.
Many times, wives may forgive their husbands for being poor, incompetent, and bad, but they can still tolerate it. As long as you love her, as long as you can hear what she says, they can go on with the marriage.
Until the longing in her heart, no longer answered, divorce became a foregone conclusion.
Professor Hong Lan, a postdoctoral fellow in psychology, has lectured at TED. Referring to the differences between men and women, she tells us with a lot of scientific data: "Boys only need to speak 7,000 words a day, while girls need to speak 20,000 words." ”
For women, she will get a sense of security in communication, and she will also get a sense of value when she is responded to.
If a woman doesn't get a response all the time, then she will repress and become another person completely.
There is a passage in "One Sentence top 10,000 Sentences":
"A woman falls in love with someone else, and before that, there was always a sentence that touched her."
Those women who change their hearts in their feelings are often women who do not get a response from their husbands, and when they are lonely for a long time, they will change their hearts when they finally get a response from others one day.
For women, if a marriage always gets no response from the other party, then there is no need to insist on it.
Because that will only harm yourself, let yourself be in trouble, unable to extricate yourself.
Psychologists tell us that the more intimate a man and a woman are, the easier it is to use emotions to resolve problems rather than reason.
For a rich and colorful life, we not only have love and marriage, but also friendship and family affection, when our perspective is not limited to marriage, it is natural to jump out of the dilemma of "the authorities are fans, the bystanders are clear".
It is said: "Doctors can't heal themselves", when there is a problem in marriage, don't pay attention to that problem all the time, you look at the people around you, reduce the sense of expectation of your partner, listen to the advice of the people around you, maybe the break is in an instant.
In addition, marriage is only a choice relative to life, if you choose the wrong one, it is not a big deal to start again.
As Tu Lei said:
"Seven points for lovers is enough, and the remaining three points please love yourself."
When marriage comes to an end, you must learn to love yourself, because only those who love themselves will be loved.
When you experience an unhappy marriage, don't be full of despair, because the good may be in front of you, and you will get it one step further.
——