The author | Luo Jinyue
The first | the life of the soul
ID|meilingxinli
Little A is a girl who loves to complain, every time she encounters a problem in love, she quickly finds a girlfriend to vent, and after talking about it, she is comfortable and quickly puts it down.
However, she changed countless boyfriends, and at first she was very attractive to her, and then she found out about each other's various bad problems and had to break up.
She said: I really want to fall in love, but every time I meet such a rotten person, what can I do!
Little B is a girl who likes to be patient, because she has read many psychological articles and knows that the way others treat themselves is related to themselves.
No matter what the problem, she will always blame herself for not being good, and when she scolds herself fiercely, she is also much more comfortable.
In her opinion, she already knew that she had a problem, which meant that she was an awakened person. However, after scolding herself countless times, she hated herself more and more, feeling helpless and desperate for a life that was difficult to change.
Both Little A and Little B want to try to live their own lives, but if you ask which one has more mature physiological development? Many people will answer: small B.
Is Little B's psychology really more mature? What is true psychological maturity?
01
Will you blame yourself, even if you are mentally mature?
When everyone encounters a problem, there may be many emotions in the heart that are difficult to accept in the moment, and they may also think indignantly: Why can you do this to me?
Little A's handling mode is: you are not good, it has nothing to do with me. She used such defenses to avoid seeing problems that made her more uneasy inside.
Although she has re-chosen countless times, she is actually using the same invalid mode to enter and leave the relationship, and has not grown from any relationship, so she will continue to meet and choose people who also make her miserable.
Little B's handling pattern is: it's all my fault, so I can't expect and demand more. It's also a defense that packages all the problems that should be dealt with at the relationship level to oneself.
It seemed that she already knew she was wrong and the problem had been dealt with, but self-blame actually prevented her from thinking more deeply about herself.
When experiences can only constantly form a negative definition of herself, she enters a dead end, denying herself more and more, but not finding where to start changing herself.
Both A and B are dealing with problems in their own habitual ways, which can help them release emotional stress quickly, but as the pain disappears, their opportunities for growth also disappear.
The problem that makes them uncomfortable is an opportunity to look inward, and what their defenses help them deal with is how to get comfortable right away, while the problem is left unsealed.
These are the two types of people we can easily see:
One is to attribute the problems they encounter to the environment and others, always thinking about letting the other party change, if the other party can't change, think about how to leave;
The other is to attribute all the problems encountered to themselves, seem to have known all their problems, and just want to change themselves quickly.
Their problems are always repeated, because if the other person gets better, they will be happy, as if all the problems have disappeared, and if the other person becomes a little dissatisfied with themselves, they will fall into the painful cycle of A or B.
They are very eager to solve problems and are willing to try to change themselves, but they do not know the real change, not to find out what they should do, but to sort out the relationship between the problem and themselves first.
A psychologically mature person, looking at the problem can have more flexible space, will not be black and white, either one or the other, both can see the problem has the other party's reason, but also can see the problem has its own reason. When they are emotionally agitated, they may blame each other, but they can quickly understand why they are reacting this way through awareness.
With such reflective thinking, and more and more complete understanding of ourselves, we can see our true selves from our emotions, be more aware of our actions, and under such continuous awareness, the patterns inherent in the past will begin to loosen, and changes will occur unconsciously.
Therefore, psychologically mature people will not only gain emotional satisfaction in degrading others and self-aggression, but can transform the problems they encounter into the experience of self-growth through inner awareness.
People who are psychologically mature enough are never afraid of problems, because they can get the psychological nutrition they want from different problems, and the more difficulties they experience, the more calm and calm they will be.
02
Psychologically mature people have safer relationships
Recently, there was a girl who entered everyone's sight, because of the conflict with her boyfriend, the girlfriend helped her block the boyfriend from entering the door, the boyfriend assassinated her girlfriend, but she locked the door in the house, the girlfriend was eventually killed, and she was spit on by everyone on the Internet.
A lot of people say that she is too cruel to her girlfriend, but it is easy for us to ignore that it is her boyfriend who kills people, and that the boyfriend has a history of domestic violence before killing people, and she attracts such a lover in the relationship for her own reasons.
And her girlfriend chooses her to be her best friend, and does everything she can to help her, even if she sacrifices her own life, there are reasons for her girlfriends.
These parts of each person who have not grown up are not only unable to effectively protect themselves in the relationship, but also moths to the fire to find and retain such dangerous relationships.
So, when different relationships always bring the same harm to ourselves, we have to be alert to what kind of hooks we have on ourselves, and we will always hook these relationships that hurt us.
Many people who have a hard time in a relationship are not without the opportunity to choose to enter a safer relationship, but often only such a dangerous relationship will attract them.
Gender relations expert Christopher. Meng said: "Your intimate partner is used to help you know yourself better, heal your wounds, and finally find your true self, so it is a bridge to our souls." ”
A psychologically mature person will be more aware of the dangerous relationship, and before the relationship is dangerous, or after the danger, he will consciously perceive and grow himself to get rid of such a painful pattern.
And a psychologically immature person, the more dangerous the relationship is the more excited, even if the injury occurs, they will not think about their connection to the problem, will not make active choices, will only look forward to a better day.
Therefore, a woman's greatest sense of security is not to meet a good person, but to have the ability to fall in love with a good person through self-psychological cultivation.
03
Psychologically mature people have a more stable self
The biggest feature of psychologically mature people is that they will not be entangled in the relationship. They have stable egos and effective problem-solving models, so it's not worth spending their energy on relationship entanglement.
And those who are always entangled in the relationship are often because the relationship has become more important to themselves, and they have sacrificed too much for the relationship. The less self there is, the more one wants others to satisfy themselves, so the more unwilling entanglement is left when they are not satisfied.
Someone said, as long as you love me enough, I can give up myself for you? However, after giving up your self, you are no longer yourself, and are you still worthy of the other party's continued love?
In a relationship, people with low self-esteem, and loss of self-worth will usually use self-sacrifice in exchange for the survival of the relationship, and when the relationship has become unequal, the survival time is more and more to make people feel inferior.
Psychologically immature people, if they choose between themselves and others, they tend to value others more, and ignore themselves, so that their sense of value is low to the dust.
And psychologically mature people, both have a stable self, and will not easily give up on themselves, so no matter what relationship they enter, they will feel more secure, and the relationship will not consume them.
Therefore, the more entangled people are in the relationship, the more often they have no self. When efforts in a relationship are always ineffective, the sooner you withdraw yourself from the entanglement of the relationship, the more likely you are to develop and perfect yourself.
04
Psychologically mature people have a happier life
A person's happiness is mainly measured by two parts: one part is self-actualized satisfaction, and the other part is satisfaction in relationships. Psychological maturity can help us find a more comfortable state in all relationships and achieve satisfaction in relationships.
Everyone has their own blind spots, psychologically mature people are also immature to start, but if you can start to be curious about yourself, understand yourself, accept yourself, and grow yourself earlier from the outside of the problem, your mature road will be smoother and smoother.
At present, mature female control has become the mainstream, and more and more awakened women have re-lived a happier and fuller life by consciously growing themselves.
Don't complain about the environment, don't blame others, don't do unnecessary relationship entanglement, sort yourself out and then go, in fact, it is not too late at any time!
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ingxinli